My mind is daydream island

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Poetry  |  House: Booksie Classic

Just a stupid teenage fantasy

Her cheeks blush pink,
and she can't stop from smiling.
When you say her name
She feels like she's dying.
Her heart aches so painfully,
and her fingers burn to hold you.
Her body feels cold without your arms,
and wants you to hold her too.
She digs her hands into her pockets
and stares at the ground ashamed,
as a tear escapes her control,
and again you call her name.
It's a slow moving lava,
that burns through her veins,
heating her heart till it bursts
when you whisper her name.
Friends, just friends,
she hates the phrase.
Love, couple, happy,
fill her thoughts and days.
A powerful shock,
when you look at her with those eyes
zaps her all over,
as she stands there, mesmerized.
Say her name again,
make her heart flutter,
give her the pleasure
of one last utter.
She knows being with you
is like a fairytale dream.
But it won't stop her from wondering,
what could have been.


Submitted: September 21, 2012

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Comments

Saywhat206

good job.

Sat, September 22nd, 2012 2:08am

AJ fate

the poem seemed a little like a song at the beginning few verses then it progressed into a flowing poem that worked vary well together to give the reader a good feel for what the person is like.

Mon, February 17th, 2014 10:20pm

Author
Reply

Thanks for reading and I really appreciate your opinion :)

Mon, February 17th, 2014 7:09pm

Thrice Written

This poem has good heat imagery. Several of your choice words invoke hot sensory reactions that compliment the overall mood of the poem, such as "blush," "burn," and "lava." However, I feel some of the sentiments expressed in the poem fall a bit flat, mostly due to the fact that they are worded in a clichéd manner. For instance, the lines "She feels like she's dying" and "Her heart aches so painfully" (and other such variations) are often overused in writing and in poetry. They do express common emotions and feelings, but they are tried and true - to the point of triteness. In contrast, I felt a deeper connection to the line "She digs her hands into her pockets." It's a better indication of how the girl in the poem feels than, for example, any of the phrases that directly describe her heart. I think the old standby "show, don't tell" would be a good bit of advice here. :)

Wed, March 26th, 2014 11:08pm

Author
Reply

This is probably one of the first and only feedback comments I have received on my writing that was actually helpful. Thank you for knowing what you are talking about, and thank you for sharing with me. Hopefully I can reword the areas that you've picked up on, because I completely agree. Would it be alright if I asked you to read it again once I've edited it? It might be a while into the future, but it would be greatly appreciated :)

Tue, April 22nd, 2014 3:50pm

Fiction Queen

Wow, you really described the girl's feelings. It's so accurate, anyone who's ever been in love can relate, and bittersweet at the same time, great job :)

Fri, June 13th, 2014 11:37am

Author
Reply

I'm glad. It'd be a bit awkies if I didn't capture a girl's emotions...since I'm a girl :P thanks lol

Mon, October 20th, 2014 1:03am

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