By Mike Stevens
The electricity arced to the bolts Dr. Goiterstein had placed in the neck of the human-like being he was attempting to jolt into life. So far, the sheet covering Der, which was the name he had given to his artificial being, had not moved, meaning Der was not yet alive. What was he doing wrong? He knew this was going to work. He re-checked the connections of the jumper cables going from his spare car battery to the neck-bolts of Der. A shower of sparks shot from the neck-bolts of Der into his creation’s face, and suddenly the sheet covering Der’s body twitched, he sat up and started to speak;
“Hey, me on fire. Watch it!”
It had worked. “It’s alive! It’s alive!” screamed Dr. Goiterstein. Then he told his creation, “Your name is Der.”
Der then spoke again, “Der name and Der say 'You bet your a** Der alive!'”
Dr. Goiterstein was trying to teach Der what it meant to be alive. “You need to think how your actions will affect others.”
Der looked perplexed and said, “Der not give a c**p about anybody else. Der say s***w ‘em!”
Dr. Goiterstein laughed and replied, “Well, the part of your brain that controls swear words is functioning beautifully.”
Der again looked perplexed and asked, “What Dr. mean?”
“I mean your language is… is… colorful!”
“Der say, “What you talk about? What color? Der see no color.”
“It’s just a figure of speech, Der. It’s just that you swear like a sailor.”
“Der know no sailors.”
“Forget it, Der.
Der had wandered away from the laboratory and found himself by a small lake, surrounded by wildflowers. He found himself drawn to the pretty colors. Suddenly a small girl approached him as he smelled the flower’s fragrance.
“Hello,” the girl said, “what’s ya doing?”
Der held out some flowers in his hand, “Der pick beauty.”
The girl let out a small laugh and replied, “Those are flowers.”
Der then said, “You funning Der? Der may not know stuff, but Der know when he being funned!” and he reached for his tormentor.
The little girl ran away, screaming for he mother.
“Der not like your funning crap; Der one pissed mofo!” he yelled at her.
Der kept walking until he came to a cabin.
You funnen?Der asked himself. Way out here where nothing?
He heard strange sounds coming from the cabin. He strode up to the door, which had been left open due to the hot weather. He walked through it, trying to make sense of the strange noise, and saw an older man playing something. He just stood there until the man sensed his presence and said,
“Is someone there?”
Der mumbled and the man said, “There is someone there! Hello stranger. Come in and set awhile. As you have probably already noticed, I’m blind.”
Der blurted, “What blind mean?”
The man replied, “Blind? Are you kidding me? It means I can’t see.”
Der raised his voice and practically shouted, cupping his hands around his mouth, “Der sorry; that the s***s!”
“I couldn’t agree with you more; and there’s nothing wrong with my hearing, I can hear just fine.”
“Excuse Der. Now you p**s Der off. Der say he’s sorry for yelling. Excuse the c**p out of Der!”
The man responded, “I don’t think I like you. I tried to be nice, but all I get in return is a load of grief.”
Der looked at the man and replied, “Der sorry you no like him; can you see what Der do now?
“I’m blind, so no, I can’t see,” shouted the man.
Der responded with, “Der flip you off; eat it, you blind b*****d!” Der thought to himself, Der not know what flip off mean; how Der know that?
At last, Der was feeling run-down and thought it would be a good time to be getting back to the lab. Dr. Goiterstein was probably getting worried. Then as he was walking through some woods, he saw fire. Someone was coming through the woods with a torch.
“There he is, this way!” a voice cried out. Suddenly, several more men with torches appeared.
He found himself afraid and clumsily took off running away from the glowing flames, until he came upon a wooden tower. The sign out front said, ‘Forest Fire Watch Tower’, but of course Der couldn’t read so the words meant nothing to him. The flames were getting closer, so he started climbing until reaching the top of the tower. The men carrying the torches suddenly burst into a clearing at the base of the tower, and one yelled,
“There he is!”
Der panicked and climbed out onto a small ledge which protruded from the watchtower’s deck.
“Hey, Jed! We thought you were dead. We’ve been looking all over for you,” one of the men said.
Der was confused. Apparently they thought he was someone else. Then, into his limited brain, came a thought. If this Jed had been recently buried, might not he have Jed’s head? Der thought he understood. They must have been looking for their friend and mistakenly thought he was Jed. But didn’t they see there was a 7-ft. tall flesh monster with bolts in his neck, green-colored, and squid-ugly, was up on the tower? Great! Suddenly, as Der was looking down, he grew dizzy and his vision blurred. He should get away from the edge; it was a long way down. Der started back and his last step before reaching the safety of the porch drew nothing but air and he suddenly plummeted head first to his death.
Dr. Goiterstein thought about all that work down the drain, for the stupid man-made moron had fallen to his death. It was time to start over.
It had moved. Dr. Dan Goiterstein had shot the electricity into the creation’s neck bolts and the sheet he had used to cover his new human-like creation had moved beneath it. It was alive! He thought back to all the trouble he’d had at the graveyard, digging up coffins in the dead (poor choice of words) of night so he could steal different body parts to stitch on his soon-to-be-alive 2nd ‘son’:
They had snuck into the cemetery and dug up a coffin. Unfortunately, when they had tried to lift the coffin out of the grave, his helper, a man named Bones (appropriate) Kelly, had let his hand slip, causing the coffin to fall back into the grave, where it had smashed to pieces and the fresh body to slide, in a grotesque gelatinous pile of innards and bones, back to the bottom of the grave.Well that dude’s not going to work for what I need, thought Goiterstein to himself. They quickly shoveled the dirt back into the grave and dug up another. This time they didn’t drop the coffin and Goiterstein pried of the top. As soon as he did, an awful stench hit his nose and maggots swarmed out of the dead guy’s mouth, nose, and ears. Immediately, Kelly spewed today’s blue-plate special, or rather what remained of it, all over the inside of the coffin, and all over the corpse. Goiterstein said, “Well, that guy was putrid. He would never do!” So they dug up a third fresh corpse and this time the body was in good shape, relatively speaking. They managed to drag it to the truck and carefully loaded it sitting propped up between them, so they would look like they had three people for the carpool lane. They then drove back to Goiterstein’s lab.
Goiterstein snapped his attention back to the present, where his new creation, Der II, was struggling to life. He spoke,
“Welcome to the land of the living, Der II!”
“Where Land of the Living, that near England?” Der II asked.
“Forget it. You’re in my laboratory, I created you.”
Der II then asked, “How the hell I know England?”
“I’m not sure. Maybe some memories from the brain we used were somehow transplanted into you, along with the brain. I had that same problem the last time. Truth-be-told, I just don’t know.”
Der II responded, “Well, what kind of doctor you, if you “just don’t know?”
An angry Dr. Goiterstein answered, “A good enough doctor to bring your sorry a** to life!”
A concerned Der II unsuccessfully tried to see behind himself, “What sorry with Der II’s a**?”
The doctor had brought Der II to his castle-like home by the lake, right next to his lab. He figured Der II needed to learn about living in the real world, and what better way to teach him than to let him stay here? When they’d arrived at his house, Goiterstein opened them both a beer, then switched on the television. He sat down in one recliner, motioning for Der II to do likewise in the other one.
An uncertain Der II said, “Der II no sit in crazy-a** chair; Der II stay stand; and what this?” he said, pointing to the can of beer in his hand.
Goiterstein replied, “Oh, sit down. I guarantee it’s comfortable. And what’s in your hand is what humans drink to relax. It’s called beer.”
Der II prodded the chair, decided it looked alright, sat down, and took a big drink of the beer. “Yuck, taste like c**p!” he exclaimed, spitting it out.
Goiterstein chastised him, “Der II! “You should go outside, or to the sink to do that. You need to learn manners, and give the beer another chance; it takes awhile to grow on you.”
Once again, Der II tried to see behind him. “Der II have beer growing on him?”
They were sitting and watching an old horror movie on television. “What pile of c**p; totally unbelievable!” Der II exclaimed.
Goiterstein said, “Der II, that’s how I made you.”
Der II thought for a second, and replied, “Oh, yeah!”
Der II wasn’t thinking straight, thanks to the alcohol. He’d taken Goiterstein’s advice and tried another beer, then another, until there was just one left in the case. Seeing as how Goiterstein had only had three, it was no wonder Der II was feeling no pain.
“Der II say yeah, party all night!” and he reached for the last beer. Dr. Goiterstein was concerned, for Der II wasn’t handling alcohol very well.
“Oh Der II, don’t you think you’ve had enough?”
Der II responded with, “S***w you, maybe Der II kick you’re a**!” and he took a couple of lumbering, staggering steps towards Goiterstein. Suddenly though, he said, “Whoa, Der II not sure what happens to him, Der II dizzy!” and he pitched forward, plummeting face-first to the floor, flattening a coffee table in the process. He rolled onto his back, and groaned, “Der II feel like crap, Der II get sick!”
The doctor yelled, “No, Der II, roll onto your stomach first!”
Der II somehow managed to make over on his stomach and spewed beer everywhere.
Goiterstein looked at the dripping, disgusting mess, and said, “Oh dear Der II, I tried to get you to stop drinking, and look. Well, at least you learned to drink alcohol in moderation.”
“Der II feel better. Bring on more!”
Oh. “Der II, that’s not very smart right now!”
“Der II say, “What, are you Der II’s mother? Der II going out!”
Goiterstein knew he couldn’t allow Der II to leave, so he started to ask him for his car keys, before remembering he didn’t even know how to drive. “Der II, I’m your father, and I say no!”
“Eat it, old man; you not tell what to do. Der II go looking for chicks!”
Dr. Goiterstein quickly, desperately, tried to think of something to change his mind, and replied, “Hey, I just had a wonderful idea. I’ll tell you what I’m going to do for you, I’m going to build you a babe.”
“Der II intrigued!” and he stopped on his way to the door.
“First of all, how do you even know what ‘intrigued’ means, and secondly, I promise to build you a babe. After all, if I can build you, I can build a woman.”
Der II replied, “What a great idea! Der II say make her with t**s out to here and hot backside, and Der II stay.”
He needed another body. Dr. Goiterstein sighed as he hoisted his side of the coffin, while Bones Kelly hoisted the other.
Dr. Dan Goiterstein was almost ready, ready to jolt another life out of dead flesh. He had already hooked up the jumper cables to his spare car battery and all he needed to do was hook up the two clamps on the other end to the neck bolts which protruded from either side of the lovely, gracefully-curving neck of his newest creation, which he would call Miss Wood. Miss Wood had been made simply to keep his male creation Der II happy and away from singles bars. It seemed that Der II was feeling his oats, so in order to keep Der II from going crazy with artificial lust, he had agreed to make Miss Wood. He had followed Der II’s directions to the letter. He’d sewed a fine backside and mammoth jugs onto Miss Wood’s body. He hoped Der II would like what he saw or else some bar-hopping ladies were in for the shock of their lives, for Der II was 7 ft. tall, had green skin, and walked like a pregnant lumberjack. If Der II thought himself a ladies man he would soon learn the awful truth: he was a hideous-looking, cobbled together, staggering joke to women. Goiterstein couldn’t let Der II be humiliated like that, for Der II had no shot, so he’d agreed to build a woman for Der II.
He made the connection to Miss Wood’s neck and waited for the sheet covering her to move, indicating life. Suddenly there was movement and the doctor removed the jumper cables from the car battery and then pulled off the sheet. Miss Wood sat up, naked, and looked around. She was beautiful, at least her face.
Der II caught sight of her and yelled, “Wow, good job doc, she hot!”
Miss Wood stared at Der II and said, “What a pile of ugly he is!”
Der II looked devastated. “Way go doc, you made woman who think Der II un, un, how you say, unattractive!”
Miss Wood answered, “Not just unattractive, damn ugly and dumber than a post!”
Goiterstein interjected, “Now Miss Wood, there’s no reason to be cruel; give Der II time to grow on you.”
Miss Wood replied, “Oh, he’ll grow on me, huh? Sort of like a fungus!”
Der II responded, “There no way Der II marry that witch!”
Miss Wood responded, “Marriage? To him? You’ve got to be kidding. Get real!”
Der II shot back, “Oh, you know about real; real witchy!”
Goiterstein had to put a stop to this, “Look, let’s all have some beers and calm down.” He knew how badly alcohol effected Der II, but he had to take that chance. The first time Der II had some beer, he had turned into a b*****d, but hopefully that had just been a one-time occurrence.”
Miss Wood asked, “What is beer?”
They each had plenty of beer, and the alcohol was affecting each of the doctor’s creations badly. Both of his creations already had guzzled several, when all of a sudden, Miss Wood jumped up on the table where they were sitting, started stripping off her clothes, and her pieced-together body was not a pretty sight. But Der II didn’t seem to mind, he was even asking Dr. Goiterstein if he had any dollar bills he could borrow to encourage Miss Wood to go even farther.
“Yeah, Der II like, take it all off, baby!”
Dr. Goiterstein knew it had gone far enough, so he said, “I think it’s time to say goodnight.”
Der II came unglued, saying, “Say goodnight? Der II think just get to the good part. Der II say no way! There more beer?”
Dr Goiterstein cringed and cursed himself for giving both his creations alcohol, for what little common sense either might have had, had disappeared faster than the beer. He’d had to leave the room when Miss Wood and Der II had started to fondle one another. Now he waited outside their closed door for them to make an appearance. Just then, the door flew open and Miss Wood appeared, yelling,
“How disgusting; how could I have slept with him? What a mistake! Could someone give me a ride home? Oh, I live right here.”
Der II came out of the door next, saying to Miss Wood, “Der thank you. Der II call you!”
Dr. Dan Goiterstein took comfort in the fact there would be no more artificially-created people, leastwise not by him. He’d had so much trouble with the two he’d already created, Der II and Miss Wood. Der II got uncontrollable, and Miss Wood became easy, when they consumed alcohol. Give Der II a couple of beers, and he turned into some kind of monster. Give the same to Miss Wood, and she was liable to whip out her t**s, which, to put it mildly, was not easy on the eyes.
As he was just sitting there relaxing, Miss Wood came into the living room, and said she had something to tell him. Dr. Goiterstein told her to go ahead. She told him it was painful to admit, but she and Der II had gotten together, and there would soon be another mouth to feed. The doctor was completely thrown for a loop, and yelled,
“How could you be so stupid? How are you going to support a child? In one night of careless pleasure, you’ve thrown you life away, daughter!”
She replied, “Oh Father, I never meant to hurt you; please, try to understand!”
Goiterstein shook his head, and responded, “Oh, I only want what’s best for you. Der II may be my creation, but he’s a loser a*****e. You’ll never get him to step up and take responsibility!”
“How do you know? Maybe he’ll surprise you.”
“What; you’re what?” was Der II’s response after she’d told him. “How can Miss Wood be sure, maybe Der II not father.”
“Come on Der II, how many other creations do you see here?” Miss Wood replied.
Der II then said, “Der II only with Miss Wood one night. How Der II know there no other guys?”
“Der II, you’re the only one I’ve ever been with!” she cried.
“So Miss Wood say. If you prove, then Der II daddy. If not prove, Der II not screwing up life!”
Dr. Goiterstein couldn’t sleep. He tossed and turned, thinking about the upcoming birth of his first grandchild. Der II and Miss Wood were no longer speaking to each other. Most of the problem seemed to arise from the fact Der II and Miss Wood had nothing in common but being cobbled together out of dead people. Der II wasn’t very bright, due to Goiterstein taking the brain from some dude who must have been a total moron when living. He couldn’t string long words together, and his best were nothing but curse words. Man, could he ever swear a blue streak. Miss Wood, on the other hand, was a good speaker, and semi-polite, except when she had first come awake, and after consuming alcohol for the first, and only time. That had led to the conception of the soon-to-be child. Together, they made a terrible match. Der II had sworn he wasn’t the father, even though there was no one else Miss Wood could have possibly been with. They weren’t even on speaking terms.
At last the day had arrived; Der III had been born. Upon his arrival, Goiterstein had been overcome with emotion. His first grandchild! Der III looked up as Goiterstein held the child, and smiled.
Der II was angry. He was a father. Even though he had told Miss Wood he probably wasn’t the child’s father, he knew the truth. It sure made things more complicated. He wasn’t prepared to be responsible for a child. Still, he felt a surge of emotion whenever the child was near. He knew if he admitted responsibility, he could kiss his wild partying days goodbye.
Miss Wood answered the knock upon her door, and opened it to find none other than Der II standing there. “What do you want?” she asked, rather sarcastically.
“Ah, Der II like to talk,” he replied.
Miss Wood then said, “Oh, okay, come in.”
Der II moved past her, and sat nervously on the couch. “Der II love what you do to place,” he said.
“What do you want?” asked Miss Wood.
Der II got a pained expression on his face and said, “Look, Der II most likely the father. Der II not sure can do it, but Der II want us to be family. Der II ask you to take him back.”
He had completely taken her by surprise. “Der II, are you sure?”
They were making a go of it, Der II, Der III, and Miss Wood were a family.
© Copyright 2016 Mike Stevens. All rights reserved.
Book / Humor
Book / Humor
Book / Humor
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