Here's to you.

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Memoir  |  House: Booksie Classic

This is just a diary to my best friend while he's away...

I linked the picture of the duck that's mentioned in this at the end. It hadn't let me post it within the text.

Chapter 1 (v.1) - Hey.

Submitted: July 20, 2013

Reads: 182

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Submitted: July 20, 2013



You said you want me to keep a diary and you want to read it. Then you ask, "What is it like then?" I'm not sure what this means, perhaps you'll answer me shortly. Also I don't have spell check so forgive any grammar errors or spelling mistakes. Anyway, were you referring to the dialogue i was nervous about writing? All of this making me... nervous. Why is that? I was already so... embarrassed? anxious? about the sex scene, now this. You think one  would only be this nervous if it were actually happening. Shit, what am i saying? I'm already forgetting that I'm writing to you, yet i'm not, because I'm able to type so easily. I've never typed so fluently in my life, I'm... full of ...something honest... that needs to get out.
" [6:06:19 PM] Dummy: yeah but that was only cuz i saw you everyday but now its like oh we skype a little and send a few texts a day idk how you're feeling or whats going  on with you"
You sent me this literaly a minute ago. It made me happy. Is that gay? I didn't know you cared.
I was suppose to see Tina on Monday, two days ago, but i had my orientation. I think I realized one reason i like my short hair. It's often said that girls have to tie their hair up to do things, science, workshop, swim maybe and they even talk about long hair but it ends with, "not becca". "girls do this, but not becca" I think i like that because in a way it excludes me from other things. "girls are stupid (but not becca), girls are sluts (but not becca). She's clever in her own way. Modest, self aware. That's all i want people to see in me, that's it. They don't have to think about the way i look if that never even comes into mind. 
What was that movie? The  one where she said, "There's a certain comfort in being undesirable."  (Dude! Ron weasley's actor just caught this knife and no one saw so he cursed. Why was that so amusing?) Christ, i have so much to say but my head hurts. just a bit more.
I have a restaurant gift card and no one to go on a date with. I asked Rita if she want to go on a hot date. I can't go by myself. I'm not at that stage of acceptance of my loneliness yet. I'm not Dee... oh yeah that incest book i got. He has your name, i told you that. It says he has dark hair and light skin and black eyes. Sad ones, not malicious ones. that's something i try to capture sometimes, when drawing, you know? Sad, black eyes. So this book, i'm afraid of how much i'm going to like and relate to it. I got it last night and I'm a third of the way through...  When i say "Maybe in another life when we're both cats", I think I mean when we are both drunk, drunk enough so im honest, so i tell you anything. Or those moments when you spend the night at a friends house and talk in the dark. Those moments are like different worlds. I'm not sure if this is what i mean because will i really be relaxed enough to tell you? I think so.
The morning you had to leave, I cried. Did you notice? Kyle didn't so I assumed you hadn't. I was laying down facing you, and i just started crying but I didn't want you to hear or see me cuz it would ruin the last hours we had together. So i turned away from you and curled into a ball. I read how when one cries, they shake. That's only when it's being stifled. So I lied there shaking quietly for a few minutes until i thought i could push it back down. I got up to wipe my face. I returned and layed back into you.
My stomach has been awful lately. So has other parts of my body but I wont get into that... I'm afraid that if I masturbate, I'll have a... (my loss of words as of late has left me so vexed)... have a... false? loss of virginity. What a plain word to use, but accurate nonetheless. Anyway... yeah. I can't have this because I don't think I'll be in the situation till after the average age, I think i'll be a bit late, actually... and the guy wont believe that i actually am a virgin for so long, but i'll have no blood to prove it to him. I'm afraid of this... Have this confession, my secret worry.
If this is too personal then let me know, if not, then just let me keep on this way...
I have a secret. Something that I've never thought I'd be able to tell anyone no matter our situation, understanding of one another... but... as of a couple of years ago, i thought i could tell my husband or someone of that nature. I'm never telling Tina. Now, being able to tell you what I just have in the previous paragraph, i think one day i can tell you. I'm sure if i ever can though, ya know? I don't know the required level of friendship or knowledge of one another for me to feel comfortable with confessing this to you. Will we ever get there? Who knows. It's not insane, don't build it up, I haven't molested anyone or done something crazy, by our meaning of the word. It's just... somewhat shameful but I was young, I didn't understand. It involves no one else, well... I'm worried that it might, but to my knowledge, it doesn't. Don't ask. It's not proper to tell someone a thing like this unless it's in person.
I start work Friday. I'g going to see alot of people on dates and I've always liked to entertain the thought of ruining people's dates, why is that? I'm sorry if I bore you. You don't bore me, never had. Though I am female. My mom told me to send you a picture of my hair cut. I made a face and told her with hesitation that that was gay, knowing she wouldn't understand our use of the word. I had to explain a bit that you go out of your way to not make a comment on how i look (because god forbid it to sound like a compliment). It would be pointless... but i did think about it.
[11:48 PM]
Sometimes I use to, when I would make crepes or breakfast in general, I would pretend I was married... How female is that? I'd be standing there in my t-shirt and small shorts, smiling. I should make crepes the next time everyone has work, when they're gone. Buy, ice cream and strawberries, bananas and chocolate, yeah? I don't make dinner anymore but  do enjoy baking when no one watches. One morning I made crepes for Rita and Robert. They were happy. I was nonchalant. 
When I was drunk, laying on the drive way of a very upper -middle class suburban neighborhood, Joseph lied with me. We talked and I stroked his hair to my hearts content. I enjoyed it very very much. I never let myself do a thing like that, you have to have restraint. I have to when I'm with you, with Robert. His head is always close to shaved so I want to rub it. I think it's how I show affection.
Maybe we shouldn't pretend we're related.
Maybe... no reason... don't over think it.
I tried on my work clothes. The shirt says small but looks like a large, maybe even extra large. "A man plans and God laughs." I don't believe that there's one person for everyone. I think that it feels that way once you meet someone that you felt like you grew up with, though, because it'd then be hard to imagine being with someone else. I think this goes for friendship, or can. I'm no Abby or anything, I can't change friends once they say something slightly bitchy. I think Rita and Nick are best friends. I don't think they meant for it to happen. They just don't like some of their friends. It just ended up being them.
I shouldn't write you. Not in this mind frame. I learned a new word. Cunny.
7/19/13  [4:37PM]
I forgot what I was going to say. I'm writhing in my bed with pain and nausea. I remember now, and im sad cuz it's lame. "Hey there, t'hy'la, what's it like on planet vulcan? I'm a thousand lightyears away but tonight, kirk, you look so gorgeous, yes you do, the Enterprise can't shine as bright as you. I swear it's true." You know what song that's based off of? That's pretty nerdy... I'm emotionally compromised. "A thousand lightyears seems pretty far but they got ships and beams and warp"
Shit is going CRAZY AS FUCK in breaking bad. A kid is dying. Have you seen frankie Munez lately? He looks gross, well, if he still has that Mohawk and facial hair. I have work tomorrow. I'm going to die.
HOLY SHIT. That episode of breaking bad was amazing.... 
Anyway, (draws gay fanart) a middle school suburban kid had more sexual experiance than I do. I say this because it's true, yet, I draw and write these things. Also, last night I had a really bad oral fixation. I was like, eating my hand. It was strange. sigh. I just drew this really awesome picture of spock. I think it's awesome cause it looks like... a good art style? idk it looks different than i usually draw but i like it. I can draw when im on midol which means it's like i drank a gallon of coffee and have a baby wanting to come out of my fallopian tube, but i dont think i could do surgery (in this state), so it's good that this(art) is my first choice. Shit, i have to go to bed in 7 minutes. 
I wish I could just get married and skip all of this.
Hey! I just had my first day of work. There was a problem with my time card and my coworker looks and sounds like steve Buscemi. Isn't that awesome? He spilled cheese everywhere and popcorn oil burned me. and the nacho cheese, and the metal scooper. I like shoveling ice. My feet hurt. Okay, so in this one episode of Star Trek, Kirk opens his communicator and is like, "Scotty, how long till the sun explodes?", and I was laughing cause im like, "Jesus, that's dramatic.", also missed the part where they said it was gonna happen in a matter of hours ealier in the episode, so this was like, where the hell did that come from? Idk. In person it's be funnier.
Also I got like 3 hours of sleep. I thought of one of the sex scenes in Sad Story. That's one of the things I was thinking about last night, how to write it. It's pretty good, if I can remember it. *tries to remember* Okay I'm starting to remember, took a while to think of the beginning... cock is such a dirty word but it's the only word appropriate in their circumstance. So dirty. Oh! so when I was drunk I accidentally said kirk and cock in stead of kirk and spock. Rita laughed, I laughed. It was Brilliant.
You should check out my facebook and see how cynical i'm getting with everyone. I think it's funny.I am incapable of caring who unfriends me. I love star trek... I want to marry it and for us to grow old together because nothing else is going to come my way. NO GUY will be like, "That's so cool how you're into sitting at your computer all day, how you draw spock everyday, how insane you are, I like you a whole lot!" They'll be like, "That bitch is crazy."
  "You want to fictional incest? We're through."
[duck goes here]
...I wish I could say my appearance isn't the only unattractive thing about me. 
That duck is making me loose my train of thought. I like it though. I'm gonna write some porn now... nevermind. I lost interest. Probably tomorrow.
This is my last entry of my first diary to you. How did it go? I think it went well. I should read more of Relations (incest book). Her marriage is sad. It's told in past tense. She says how she wished more than anything, that it was her brother standing at the end of the aisle. That's the saddest thing to me. They loved each other, they've know that since they could remember anything. You know what happens after that? I go to arden mall and see two hipsters long boarding and holding hands with energy drinks in the other. People disgust me. Even this book about incest is more... beautiful to me than this... terrible display of mankind.
I just realized tomorrow is Saturday... and I work....It's going to be so busy. Let's meet half way and get a beer. What's it like? Being you? Do you ever worry about going insane? I do. You know this. I wish I was smart. An alien.  a true artist. 
I cried in Tina's office. The time I saw her before you left. 
"Do you think they take care of you? (your parents)"
"...I guess...they give me food and clothes." I start tear up.
"Who would you say really takes care of you though, when something goes wrong?"
" mom?...." They trail down my face.
"What is it?"
I tell her about you. Now I am full on crying.
"You started to tear up when I asked who takes care of you, do you think Chris takes care of you?"
"Yeah... I never would've finished high school if it weren't for him... I'd have been in jail or an asylum by now if he wasn't here...." I think I had a tissue by this point. There's no hiding in my face, let alone my voice.
"Is this the first time you've cried abou him leaving?"
"No... There was this one night where it just... hit me. The next day at school... I just... " 
"Have you told him how you feel?"
"No...we don't really show this kind of emotion with eachother. I'm sure he knows though."
"Even if he knows, I think I'd still want to hear that I'm going to be missed. Wouldn't you?"
I nod... and cry harder. I thought I was going tell you at some point. I'm not sure why I never did. Whenever I think of this conversation for more than a moment, I cry. Why is this? 
I'd rather not end on a sad note, but what else can be going on in my head when there's this floating about... I'd want to go to your house after work and tell you everything that happened. I can't joke with anyone as easy. How am I going to make friends when I'll always compare them to you?... I should stop now before I say something too sappy. I'm sobbing, but I'm alright. 

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