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Comments: 15

Ch.1 How do I Feel?

The feelings bottled up inside waiting for their chance to explode, might just have a chance to. I feel lost, betrayed, depressed, confused, alone, and I don’t know what to do. I feel like if I’ve entered unknown territory, and I’m an alien. I just don’t know what to think any more, and I don’t know what to do. There is no point. No point to my life, and my thoughts, and my words. They’re useless, I’m useless. I can’t seem to figure it out. The meaning to my life is something I can’t figure out. Wasting my days doing nothing except observing the people who are living. I feel like I’m not living actually, since I’m no one to everybody. People ignore me and although sometimes I tell myself I don’t care, I, in fact really do. What’s wrong with me that no one approaches me, or talks to me. I know, everything. I’m strange, a loner, and a pathetic excuse to be called a human being. And yes I have depression.

Depression-a mood disorder marked especially by sadness, inactivity, difficulty with thinking and concentration, a significant increase or decrease in appetite and time spent sleeping, feelings of dejection and hopelessness, and sometimes suicidal thoughts or an attempt to commit suicide--sounds just about right. I have depression and I like to thank my fucked up family for that, and their inability to care. You know, I’m starting not care anymore, at first I was so angry with my self for being the way that I am, but I gradually started changing and now I feel sorry for myself. So sorry in fact, that I’ve tried to end my misery. My suicide attempt was unsuccessful, obviously, and yet I can’t fight the urge to feel the pain again when I slit my wrists. Crazy, I know, but cutting is something I enjoy doing and well, I don’t plan on stopping any time soon.


My mom is just as pathetic as I am and I really wish she wasn’t, because comparing something to me is one of the lowest things I’ve had to do. She snores loudly as she sleeps on the couch, and it’s really starting to bug me. My dreaming of eternal rest was interrupted by that, and I don’t appreciate it. I quickly pass by her and notice the beer bottle in her hand. Typical mom, always drinking. No wonder dad left. I grab my messenger bag off the floor and grab the house keys from a little bowl sitting in a table next to the door. As I open the door to my house I take one last look at my mother and sigh deeply. I then purposely slam the door and scurry on to the street. I have no Ipod to listen to as I walk and so I listen to my thoughts instead, they are very entertaining by the way and quite intoxicating to my logic. I pass by all the houses with teenagers getting out and either meeting up with their friends to walk to school or they have a ride. I have neither. It doesn’t matter though school is just 10 minutes away.

School. Ugh, another thing I can complain about. This overly crowded school is where I feel my loneliest. People don’t pay any attention to me, and even my ex best friend Lucas doesn’t talk to me.

Lucas, he was more than my best friend, I was in love with him, and he was my reason for cutting. We were super close, and then that started changing. He developed a crush on one of the cheerleaders here at school and that bitch forbid him from spending any time with me, which at first he didn’t follow. But the thing that killed me the most about this whole situation is that he ended up choosing her over me. It hurt at first, but I’d rather not have him near than have him near and listen to him talk about Alyssa all day.

The first time I cut was when one day after school he came over to my house and told me that Alyssa was the One, and that he loved her. It broke my heart and instead of moping around I decided to take part in a different method of controlled pain. And don’t get me started about the time when he came over to my house at 2 am to tell me he and Alyssa had done it. That destroyed me. After that he grew more attached to her and the person I had once truly loved, no longer loved me back.

I enter the school entrance in a rather slow pace until I realized there is no helping it, I must go to school. I have one destination the library, that’s where I always go in the early mornings, it’s my refuge. I enter the big building and scan the room. I find my perfect table and I quickly go to it and sit taking out The Catcher and the Rye, my all time favorite book, and I begin to read. I hear an annoying chatter that I don’t usually hear, and I look up to see who it is.

Speaking of the devil.

It’s Lucas, but he won’t do or say anything, like I said before he ignores me and doesn’t even acknowledge my presence. I observe him and his Barbie slut. He has dark black straight hair, which I, at some point convinced him to keep the color instead of dying it brown. He’s tall, lean, pale-ish skin, blue eyes, and a wonderful smile. The Barbie is blond and thin. No need to expand on that, I don’t want to make her feel special. He has his arm around her and they are laughing together which is very disturbing if you ask me. They seem to be holding a book, it’s…it’s Twilight. Ha I knew it would be, she seems like the type. Clue less and stupid. Only she would want to read a story about artificial and unrealistic love. It was predictable---

“Excuse me, is this seat taken?” I look up wide eyed. What the heck someone is actually talking to me?! “Is this seat taken?” he says slower.

“Uhm, no” I say carefully. He pulls up the chair next to me and places his backpack on the table. I look at him Is he crazy?

“What’s wrong did I interrupt your obsession over that guy over there” he says as he bobs his head to their direction.

“Obsession?!” I burst

“Yeah, I saw the way you looked at him”

“How did I look at him?” I questioned

“Like you’re in love”

“Am not” I say stubbornly and cross my arms. Why am I even talking to him, I don’t know him or care to know him. I stand up gathering my things ready to leave when he asks,

“Did I say something wrong?”

“Leave me alone” I respond and I walk out of the library and head to the girls bathroom, there I know no one will bother me.


Submitted: August 19, 2009

© Copyright 2021 monicastar14. All rights reserved.

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Comments

Phoebe Gardens

This story really hits hard with me because I suffered with depression and it's awful, like no one understands because it's not your fault, but your bodies for the lack of hormone or something. It is so sad, I feel for your character already.
I've never gone to that extreme of cutting, my comfort was eating and being a recluse, but I'm better now, some days I slip back in, but you have to be strong and surround yourself with friends and positivity.
I really love your story already and you must keep me updated please!

Wed, August 19th, 2009 5:50am

Author
Reply

Wow, I don't really know what to say. But now I know I'll have to be as accurate and realistic as possible when I talk about it. Thank you so much for reading! And yes, I'll keep you updated:]

Tue, August 18th, 2009 10:55pm

BarbieDoll

I like it :). It's really interesting and I want to keep reading! I really want to find out more about the guy who sat next to her.. he seems nice :D hehe.
I love how the first bad thing she said about her mom was about how she snores so loudly, and the drinking was mentioned later! That's like me - small petty things tend to annoy me more than others!
I feel sorry for Jessica! I hope she gets up and out of that depression, and stops cutting.. cause cuttings not good. at all.
Update soon-ish! :D !

Wed, August 19th, 2009 10:49am

Author
Reply

I think she got used to her drinking, as bad as that sounds lol. Well thanks for reading and I'll try to update as soon as I can:]

Wed, August 19th, 2009 6:31am

iGuard

Thanks for inviting me to read this :) my best friend's name is Lucas - hopefully he doesn't turn out like this idiot! LOL I loved this. Who's the new guy? I'm already in love with him!! I feel horrible about this girl's depression and her "f*cked up family". Makes me wanna cry. I know how she feels because I slipped into depression after my mom died. But I'm better now! (well at least I think so LOL my friends think I'm a bit abnormal...) well you had some grammar problems and spelling errors but this probably is just a first draft. :) No worries. I understand it all the same. You need to keep writing! Please update me when the next chapter is up! (p.s. and please don't blow this comment off with a "thanks, will do." It's annoying when people do that after I leave a long comment and I tend to not read anymore of their work for that reason. :) Thankies!!!!!

Thu, August 20th, 2009 12:46am

Author
Reply

I would never blow off comments, even if they're one word comments:] and thank you for telling me about by grammar problems because I tend to overlook them sometimes! I really do hope you're better, this is a very serious problem and I really wanted to write about it. I'll try my best to write it as accurrate as possible! About the new guy, he'll be a major role in the story but that's all I'm saying! Thanks for reading and I will tell you when I update:]

Wed, August 19th, 2009 6:03pm

MaLuV4U

ohhhhhhhhhhhhh! me likey u gotta so likely update plzzzzzzzzzzz!!

Thu, August 20th, 2009 3:24pm

Author
Reply

haha i can see your enthusiasm lol! I'll try to update really soon! thanks for reading:]

Thu, August 20th, 2009 5:40pm

Carolickols

wow...this is really good!:]
please keep me updated.

Sun, November 29th, 2009 4:40am

Author
Reply

Oh gosh thanks! I don't know if I should continue it, the day I wrote it I was feeling in the mood to write it, but I'm not so sure now. But since you commented it, maybe I'll add another chapter. Well anyways thanks for reading:]

Sat, November 28th, 2009 8:59pm

Lady Leah

I love it so far, seriously, shame I feel sorry for her... sigh what it is to lose a best-guy friend over some girl, I do, but it's in the past lol!
Great I love it.
Lucas must go climb a cactus tree.
~Lady Leah~

Sun, November 29th, 2009 12:50pm

Author
Reply

:D I'm glad you do!! Oh, you've lost a best guy friend before? That must have been very sad... I never had so I wouldn't know. Hahaha Lucas and the catctus tree....that was funny! LOL ah, love ya! Thanks for reading!

Sun, November 29th, 2009 8:16am

luvtowritee21

Wow. That made a lump rise in my throat. I really felt your character and it made me sad, really really sad.
I like the mysterious stranger and I'm sure he'll help her, at least I hope he will
Really great work! Now I'm heding on to read the second chapter :P

Sun, November 29th, 2009 6:07pm

Author
Reply

Oh sorry about that but I did want to make this story very emotional, so maybe that's why. Yeah, it is really sad to read but it'll eventually get better! LOL The mysterious stranger will be very important so keep any eye out for him, Thank you so much I eally appreciate your comments so I say again, thanks for reading:]

Sun, November 29th, 2009 10:13am

Twilightfreak16

Wow!This is very good so far. I think the first thing that drew me to it was the cutting thing. I used to do the same thing when I was younger(like a year ago lol) but I haven't done it in a long time (thank god) I understand how Jessica feels in this.

But hey, im off to read more because im hoping it will say more about that guy she just met...lol

(Oh, and lucas is so shallow, just thought i'd throw that in there)

Sun, November 29th, 2009 9:31pm

Author
Reply

Thanks! Yeah the cutting thing is a serious issue and I've hit home for some of my readers, but I do this so people can try to understand, you know? Well I'm glad you are not doing it any more and hopefully you recovered well:]] that guy she met will definetley be mentioned later!! Stay tuned LOL I agree with you Lucas is shallow. Thanks for reading!

Sun, November 29th, 2009 1:38pm

Ecidalg

It's really depressing and heart-wrenching..I hope this guy that is talking to her can help her out..It's really unhealthy and one day if she can't take it, she might just commit suicide..Poor girl..I hope she can find a reason to live with what life brings on and be strong..I hate Lucas..How can he do that to his best friend over a slut? Sigh..Can't wait to read more..Let me know when you update..

Mon, November 30th, 2009 7:03am

Author
Reply

Yeah it is, the topic is very depressing but it's reality. The new guy may come to help her but she has to do that first. I might be giving away too much with that but I can say he is a major character in all this. Lucas is a douche. Anybody that does that to their best friend is a douche, right? Well, thanks for reading:]

Sun, November 29th, 2009 11:43pm

Ecidalg

Ya I agree..Others can only be there for her..Give her support and advice..She have to be the one to pick herself up..No one else will be able to do it for her..I hope the support she gets will be enough for her to have the strength to do it.. :)

Ooh great!! At least this new guy is a new hope for her..I totally agree that Lucas is a douche..scumbag..bastard..jerk..manwhore..you name it..LOL..That slut might just dump him one day.. :p

Mon, November 30th, 2009 8:16am

Author
Reply

Mhmm and Lucas was not one of those people at all. Well at least so far. Hope if something bad ever happens to me my friends won't do that to me! Oh. By the way have you read chap 3? I really appreciate your comments!!

Mon, November 30th, 2009 12:38am

bimbobunny

blah~ I could say so much about ppl cutting but im not going to bc im not in the mood too so i'll just read on. lol.

AND LMAO on the Twilight thing. Did anyone yell at u for putting that there?!

Tue, December 1st, 2009 10:26pm

Author
Reply

Yeah I'm not really informed about cutting so I just write what I know. And I know that topic if not written correctly can be very boring Zzz LOL! Anyways, I think I had one person yell at me about that. I just knew someone will so I told them the truth which was I love when Twilight fans speak up! I'm not a fan (and that's actually what I think up there) so I like when people try to deffend something they love. I would to, I suppose. But oh well.

Thanks for reading:]

Tue, December 1st, 2009 7:27pm

Fairystuckinabox

i dont like the twilight bit, im not an over obsessed fan but it is a good book and could put some people off your story...you could make them laugh at some girl...it makes them more mean and spiteful.
also at the start you become repatitive and mostly you use this correctly but sometimes you could use different words..it sounds better

this is in no way inteded to sound mean and i SOOO SORRY if your hurt by my comment, i just wanted to give you some pointers, but i do like the idea of this story and i think it can do good to relate to peoples depression and how to cope

Tue, December 8th, 2009 4:10pm

Author
Reply

Yeah I figured that when I wrote that part. Fans are fans and I knew some people were going to react this way, but when someone writes something bad about something I like I don't stop reading it. So I'm not really worried about that. Yeah your right, when I was writing I felt very repetetive but I was too lazy to change things around LOL. And don't worry about sounding mean I don't take offense to it. Thanks for the pointers too, I like when people do that and they are very helpful:]

Thanks for reading!

Tue, December 8th, 2009 3:06pm

Hottie

that dude is a jerk the 1 that dumped her 4 blondie hes not a true friend i wood say fuck him!!!!!!!! haha lol

Tue, October 26th, 2010 8:27pm

Author
Reply

yep, someone who leaves you like that=asshole! haha I agree fuck him!

Thanks for reading:]

Tue, October 26th, 2010 4:38pm

ALIGARH

i hate when i am ignored by some guy and if somebody troubles me butt i hope that she gets this guy as new hope.... you really are wonderful writer... and i liked the twilight thinggg

Wed, November 30th, 2011 4:25pm

Author
Reply

Yeah it just feels awful! I know! Well...we'll see :) Aw, shucks! Lol I thought people were going to start caping on me if I let it on, but only one person did :) Thanks for reading!

Wed, November 30th, 2011 11:33am

animilia

Man... I hate that! Why did he do that to her? grrrrz.

Well, I like it...(: I will read on, dont worry...

Sun, January 15th, 2012 2:01pm

Author
Reply

Gosh I know, that's when you know he was never your true friend. Yay! I'm glad! Ok go ahead. Thanks for reading!

Sun, January 15th, 2012 10:15am

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