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Ch. 17 If It Hurts, Then Surely It's Real

When I open my eyes they sting. Living in the darkness makes you sensitive to the light, but it stings more than it should.

"Jessica." I hear the figure next to me sigh in relief. I open my eyes slowly and see him. I can't believe he actually came, and he's the one who saved me. Though saved is not what I wanted to be. "Thank god, you're awake."

"No thank you," I say bitterly.

"Jessica..."

"No, I'm sorry." I tell him and turn away from him. I glance to the wall opposite him to stare and hopefully loose track of time. "Where's my mom?"

"Working."

"Right." I say. I look down at my hands noticing the way they paled out, almost like the robe I'm in.

"This was my dream." He says. I look back at him waiting for him to explain. "Remember I told you. I dreamt of you in a pool of blood. That's how I found you."

"Noah, I... I didn't want you to see me that way." I say meekly, at that moment ashamed.

"But I did. What were you thinking. Wait- I know, you wanted to end your life, but why?" He says from the side of the hospital bed.

"I...I-, haven't you ever felt like you don't belong? That you're not worth it? That people don't want you? Need you? Love you? That you're all alone?" I whisper to him as I feel my vision blur with unfallen tears.

"All the time."

"Bullshit."

"Jess, you don't know everything about me, you think you do, but it's not that way. So don't assume, I've told you before." He told me angrily.

After that i didn't know what to respond so for a long time we stayed quiet, watching the tv screen above us, needing to fill the void. Right when I was going to tell him to leave Lucas came in. All in black, his black hair shining, his eyes tired. He approached the bed carefully until he looked at Noah and said, "Can I speak to her alone?"

"Sure" Noah said and stepped out as quietly as Lucas came in. He replaced Noah's place in the chair and stared at me intently. I couldn't help but stare back, but not as strongly. I was still ashamed.

"Why?" was all he asked.

"I just couldn't live with myself, okay? Damn it Lucas of all people I thought you'd understand."

"Understand? Your suicide attempt, are you on drugs? How can anyone understand that?" He asked me, with such anger that it hurt to keep eye contact with.

"You still don't get it." I say frustrated and fuss with the sheets.

"Get what?"

"Isn't it obvious?" I ask.

"What's obvious, that you need help."

I took a deep breath before saying, "I'm sorry."

"Sorry? When I got that call from Noah that...you, were here, I freaked."

He freaked. That was one of the things that made me realize, that he didn't even truly care about me. Yeah I knew he didn't love me, but now this realization was deep. Of anyone, Noah was the one who cared.

"Lucas?"

"What?"

With all my strength that I had inside of me, I had to say this next part. If I didn't, well that would always haunt me.

"Ever since I first met you, we clicked. We were the same; lost, confused but we had each other, and I always thought that was enough. But you were looking for something else weren't you?" I looked up at him, but kept going. "You wanted the hot girl, the popularity, all that shit. You wanted that, not me. Maybe you love Alyssa, maybe you don't, but it didn't start off real. You liked the idea of her. But anyway, I loved you, or thought I loved you. You were the only person that ever showed me some kind of friendship, and I assumed you were my savior. I, like you fell in love with the idea. Alyssa was your savior, I thought you were mine. I thought I loved you, but I don't, I see that now. We can never be, never will be. And as much as it pains me to say...I don't need you." I wiped away the tears that fell from eyes and looked up at him.

He sat silently and awkwardly, surely as tired as me.

"You were my best friend for a long time." He said without looking up. "But, I was never satisfied, I know that, but you did mean something to me, really Jessica you did."

"I never doubted that."

"I also thought I loved you, when I was with Alyssa and when I would see you with Noah, but..."

"You don't. I know."

"I will never forget the times we had together, Jess. Never" he said finally looking up.

"Me neither."

As I saw the tears fall from his own eyes, I realized that this was goodbye. No more going back to him, no more pretending, this was real. We were heading in two different directions, not exactly knowing the destination but knowing it wasn't with each other.

"Well," he said after a long pause and stood up rubbing his eyes.

"I'll see you around?" I suggest.

"Yeah." He looked around nervously and shoved his hands in his pockets. "May the force be with you, Jessica Graff, and I hope you get well soon." He placed his hand on the knob and looked at me for the last time.

"Thank you." I said.

And those were the last words I ever said to him.

*A/N: Hello guys! This novel is coming to an end pretty soon and this may be one of the last chapters! Ahh, intense. Well thanks for reading:D*


Submitted: August 12, 2011

© Copyright 2021 monicastar14. All rights reserved.

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Comments

livexlaughxlovex

Oh thank God! About time she says adieu to Lucas! I'm so happy about that, despite the depressing tone of this chapter. And we saw Noah :) Kmu

Fri, August 12th, 2011 3:00pm

Author
Reply

It's about damn time, huh?! Well yeah she finally did. Yeah it is because it hurts a lot to say goodbye to a friend right.Yes we did:D Of course:] Thanks for reading:]

Fri, August 12th, 2011 8:29am

CaseyDarling

Aw, that as so sad! Great job, update soon!

Sat, August 13th, 2011 1:10pm

Author
Reply

:( it is, It was to write. Oh, glad you think so :D I sure will!! Thanks for reading:]]

Sat, August 13th, 2011 9:25am

Rididdlegirl

I just finished reading what you have so far and
I LOVE IT!
I would write more but my cat is keeping one of my hands hostage
soo kmu lovely :D

Sun, August 14th, 2011 1:47pm

Author
Reply

Oh gosh, you are amazing!! A new reader, woot woot! Lol I understand my cat is the same way:P I sure will! Thanks for reading:]]

Sun, August 14th, 2011 11:21am

Kaitlyn Jade

no! it's not aloud to come to an end! ): beautiful chapter, KMU? xx

Sun, August 14th, 2011 8:29pm

Author
Reply

Haha, well yeah since before the first chapter I saw the ending to this, so I wish it didn't end too!! Aww, you're too kind:) For sure!! Thanks for reading:]]

Sun, August 14th, 2011 3:13pm

IlianaSovay

This is the second story of yours I have read and I will probably read the rest of what you have written as well. Your stories are heart-wrenching but realistic and that's probably what draws me in. The realism of your character's lives, knowing that these are things people have to deal with all the time lost friends, unrequited love, confusion, depression, family issues, trying to find where you fit in. You do a wonderful job of conveying that in your stories and I look forward to reading more. Keep me updated!

Sincerely, iliana ^_^

Tue, November 15th, 2011 2:00am

Author
Reply

:D Oh.My.God I literally want to cry now! For reals I'm stunned, your comment is amazing. It made my day...no week! :) Oh gosh, I am so glad you are reading, and enjoying my stories. It means a lot to me when people say the things that you said, especially in a story like this. And I just want to say, when I first started writing this story I was actually just inspired by a summary of a book my friend told me (don't worry it is nothing like my story, it's about a girl who posts an advertisement about killing herself in a newspaper) but then I stopped because I was going through some things. When I started up again I was actually writing from real life experience because those things I was dealing with turned into depression for me, so it was easier to write about this topic. But yeah you are so right, these are things people go through all the time, something universal. Realism is so important to me, so you don't know how much it means to me to see you write that :D Oh I hope you do read more:P I will! Thank you so so much. I really appreciate it :)

Mon, November 14th, 2011 6:44pm

JessCuzICan

Wow. It's, heartbreaking, but relieving at the same time(:

Mon, February 20th, 2012 12:57am

Author
Reply

Yuup! It is, she had to move on eventually, right? Thanks for reading!

Wed, February 22nd, 2012 12:37am

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