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They feel bumpy and some feel crusty. As I touch the scars in my wrists gently I can’t help but notice the roughness to them. Some are fresh wounds, others are old but will probably be with me forever. A constant reminder of what I’m feeling now. I sometimes wonder how I’ll turn out in the future. But fretting over something that might not even get here is kind of pointless, isn’t it? I’m not even sure about tomorrow, how can I be sure about the next ten years.

“Boo!” Noah yells and grabs from the shoulders. I let out a girly squeal and tense up. He laughs and starts walking besides me. School barely ended and I was walking through the main halls to get leave school.

“You startled me” I say and touch my heart.

“Sorry. It was just so tempting you looked so serious there I had to do it, so, what were you thinking about anyways?”

He grabs my book from my hands and starts to look through it. How can I say, oh just the usual. Thinking if I’m going to be alive next year. I can’t, so I don’t.

“School” I settle on. I grab the book from him and give him a mean look that makes him smile instead of making him scared.

“How lame. “

“Yes that’s me, lame”

“talking about lame, guess what I just found out?” I shrug because I am in no mood to play twenty questions. “Brandy has told me that I am nominated for Homecoming king”

“What?” I stare at him and mouth drops open. It’s not that he doesn’t have the potential, it’s the fact that he has become so popular in such a short time. Out of nowhere I start laughing. I have no idea what has gone through me, just that this is suddenly really funny.

“Why do you think this is funny? You don’t think I can win?” I shake my head and look to him. Of course he can win, he’s the poster child for Homecoming King.

“It’s not that, it’s just that--” I suddenly bite my tongue, suddenly saying what I think might make me sound jealous. “You’re my friend, it’s my duty to make fun of you”

“True. If not you then who, right? So who you going with?” He asks and wiggles his eyebrows at me.

“When is it?”


I make my face thoughtful and finally say “no one. You really think I’d go to things like that? Puh-lease”

“Oh come on, I am. Well what do you know I’m not going with anybody” He smiles brightly at me and I can’t help but want to wipe that smile off.

“Then ask Brandy.” I say dryly.

“But I don’t want to”

“Not my problem, ask someone else”

“You are either fucking with me or you aren’t getting the hint”

“Hint of what?”

“I’m asking you to go with me, silly” He says and pushes my arm playfully.


He frowns at me and asks, “Why what?”

“Why are you asking me out?”

“I dunno, because I want to go with you, duh.”


“Jessica come on stop this bullshit for a second please,”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about” He sighs and holds his face in his hands. He looks up slowly and his hands fall down to his side.

“You make this so difficult. Stop questioning everything I do and say yes. You act like it’s the strangest thing that I would want to go to Homecoming with you. Better believe it because it’s true. I like hanging out with you and I prefer you to anyone else here at school.”

“is that supposes to be flattering because I feel kind of insulted. You want to go with me because you hate everyone else. What, do you hate me a little bit less than everybody else? Is that it? I don’t bore you like the rest of them. Hey you’re guaranteed at least a blow job if you go with Brandy”

“You know what? Just forget I even asked, if you’re going to be all pissy about it.”

“Forgotten” I say angrily. He stalks off, probably heading for his car. I speed my pace so I can try to get to my house faster. I felt the urge to cry and I don’t want anybody else watching me cry. I somehow managed to fuck up things between Noah right now and without even trying. As soon as I realized that no one was behind me I begin to run. I run as fast as I can manage with my bag and books. I take out my key from my pocket and open my door harshly. My mom is not there like expected and probably won’t be home until much, much later. I slam the door with my foot and drop to the ground. Tears fall rapidly down to my cheeks and my sobs sound rough.

“I always fuck it up!” I scream and cover my face with my hands. I never mean to but I always mess things up, even the simples things. I lost my friend just because I was being moody, but I couldn’t control what I felt. That’s one of the misconceptions of people who are depressed. People believe that we choose to feel a certain way and expect us to get over those feelings that make us feel that way that we feel. I have no control over the way that I feel, I can’t simply get over it, if I could then I would have done it a long time ago. But its’ not that easy; it never is.

After a while I stop crying and I’m quiet and still on my knees. I get up and slowly walk up to the stairs. My feet feel so heavy and my body stiff, like I can’t really move but I have to. Once I get to my room I sit right in the middle of my bed Indian style, looking at the mirror ahead of me. I don’t like what I see at all. I cringe at my reflection, and I have to turn away. I have to. I hug my knees and lay my head on them and face my window. It’s a nice day out, but not nice enough to go out of my way and do something about it. It’s been like that now a days. I need a reason to do many things, when in the past it wasn’t like that.

I remember the days when Lucas would sneak in here in the middle of the night, when my mom was actually home, and we’d sleep in my bed or talk endlessly, or even watch a movie. As I’m deep in thoughts of the past my phone rings and I reach over to get it.

“Hello?” I ask.

“Jessica it’s me Noah” I stare back to the window and take a deep breath.

“What do you want Noah?” I ask tiredly.

“I’m sorry I blew up like that”

“It’s okay.”

“What no arguing?” he asks suspicion in his voice.


“Is there something wrong?”

“No, I’m just tired” I tell him. I stretch my legs and lay on my back staring at the ceiling.

“I still want you to go with me Friday. I didn’t mean to sound like you were the bail out to my problem, I really want you to go. Besides being stubborn you’re actually a fun girl to hang out with.” That made me laugh.

“I’ve never been to a school dance”

“Is that a yes?” He asked his voice raising at the end. I thought about it for a while.

“Yes. That’s a yes.”

“Great. I’m happy you agreed. And don’t worry about it, dance-newbie, school dances aren’t as scary as you make them out for.”

“Tell me that after it’s over.”

“you’re a funny one Jessica. Well okay I have to go so we’ll talk details tomorrow. See you tomorrow, bye”

“bye” I said and reached my hand over to hang up.

I walked over to my bathroom and started the tub. I opened the cabinet mirror and reached for my favorite tool. I placed it on the edging of the tub and strip from my clothes. I stepped into the tub and sat down. As soon as it was filled with hot water and I turned the knob so it could stop. I sat there with my razor in my palm and I simply just stared at it. I marveled at the sharpness and how easily it pierced my skin without much effort. It caused some pain but relieved a lot more. I put my knees up and leaned my arm palm up on it. I placed the blade directly on top of some skin, on the wrist. It was my favorite spot, but not my only one. I didn’t even think about it, my hand automatically ran across in a nice straight horizontal line. “For the emptiness that I feel” I whispered. I watched the redness ooze out in a line and then reach to a point where it fell to the water. It decorated the water a pretty pinkish color. I went down to my forearm and did the same. This time I held my arm up so all the blood fell on the water. After all that was going to come out, came, I pushed my arm down to the bottom of the water and felt it sting a bit.

After a long while of staring and thinking I unclogged the tub and turned the shower on. I scrubbed profusely and hard all over my skin, I shampooed my hair until my scalp hurt, too. After I was done I stepped out and put my towel on. Apparently I was in the shower for a long time because it was already dark out. I brushed my hair and didn’t bother to dry it. I put on some shorts that fit way too short for me to wear outside, and an old Beatles shirt Lucas had gotten me in the 8th grade. It was my favorite.

I undid my bed and laid down on it, tired and sleepy. Too much thinking I guess. I closed my eyes and drifted toward the blackness.

A noise woke me and I rose up abruptly. I rose from my bed and looked over to the window. There was someone halfway inside my bedroom and halfway out. It only had to be one person.

“Lucas, what are you doing here” I asked my voice hinting at something that could be fear.

“Sorry did I scare you?” He asked as he managed to get himself fully in.

“Well yeah there was someone trying to get into my bedroom.” I took the covers and walked over to the window and closed it tight.

“It’s just me”

“I see that now” And I glanced at him. He was wearing jeans, a gray shirt and a black sweater. I looked away at went for my lamp which I turned on. When I finally turned around to see him, his blue eyes glistened. “So why are you here?”

“Always so direct”

“No time for games, Lucas, it’s one and we have school tomorrow”

“You never cared before” He said and gave me a weird look I couldn’t decipher.

I ignored him, crossed my arms, and asked him again “why are you here Lucas?”

“I wanted to clear up a couple of things” He motioned to my bed and I nodded. I sat Indian style near the edge and he next to me, his body facing me. “Things like last week at Lucky Strike, and you cutting yourself”

“Don’t. Don’t start please” I told him and raised my hand signaling to stop.

“Things need to be said”

“Some things don’t. I don’t care if those kisses meant anything, I really don’t. And I care less if you came here to tell me it was a mistake, that I was mistake. I don’t need that right now” And that was the truth, I didn’t need to here how guilty he felt for kissing me, it would just kill me.

“What if I didn’t come here to tell you that?”

“Okay enough” I was about to stand up and tell him to leave but he grabbed my arm.

“Let me see your cuts” he demanded.

“What, no.”

“Jessica don’t make me do something both of us will regret.”

“No!” He pulled my arm up to his face while I struggled. He saw the wounds and scars in my wrist and arm. He touched one of the fresh ones I had done earlier in the tub and I winced.

“Sorry” he whispered. He let go of my wrist and I brought it to my body and cradled it.

“Let me see the others”

“I don’t have others” I told him, and glared him down.

“Liar. Now let me see the others.”

“I don’t have others” I stopped cradling my arm and it lingered in my stomach. He gave me a look that was dangerous which made me say, “No Lucas those were it!” He pushed me down back on the bed and lifted my shirt, revealing the scars in my abs.

“Jessica” He whispered. He looked at me with sadness. “You have more don’t you?”

“No. Now let me get up!” He looked down at my legs and moved them around to try to inspect them. When he found nothing he looked higher. “Stop touching me!” He spread my legs apart and found more criss cross lines in my inner thighs. This time he didn’t even say my name he just looked at me, I couldn’t stand that look so I just pushed him away and he let me. I sat up and he stood there still on his knees. “Stop looking at me like that” I told him and turned away from him and couldn’t meet his gaze. Silent tears began to fall and I cursed my self and wiped them away harshly away from my face. He leaned his body closer to mine and touched my chin to turn me to face him.

“I’m sorry”

“Why, it’s not your fault I choose to do this” He then leaned closer and kissed my tears away, which only made me cry more. He got my wrists and kissed each wound carefully and gently and he never looked away from me.

“Lucas” I whispered forcefully.

“Jessica” He said easily and kissed me softly.

“I can’t”

“Don’t think right now Jess, let me kiss you” And I did. His lips touched mine and I opened my mouth to let him in. His lips kneading mine and his tongue wet and smooth. He laid me in my bed and held me at the waist. My hands went to his hair. It was so soft and silky and I just let my hands run through it.

“Let’s do this tonight, Jessica. Please say yes” he whispered against my lips. I looked to his blue eyes and instantly knew this was a dangerous game that I will end up loosing in the end. But I didn’t care. After all, I do love pain.


Ch.6 Wish ICould Forget You

Submitted: October 14, 2010

© Copyright 2021 monicastar14. All rights reserved.


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Add Your Comments:



Oh wow!!, this is really a heartmoving story!!. Noah seems to be so sweet,, although i am almost licking up that he himself has some problems himself, just the vibe i am getting off him. As for Lucas,,, he needs to either be ONLY with her, or back off,,, he is screwing with her mind more!!. Loving this story, it is such a great read!. Update pls soon!!

Fri, October 15th, 2010 5:54am


Aww thanks! Many people like Noah because he's a sweetie but I'm have some ideas for his character. I don't know what route to take! So many choices! LOL yes I agree Lucas is fucking with her mind, buut I guess it's her letting him. I'll post maybe on Saturday! Thank you so so so much I really appreciate the commet!

Thu, October 14th, 2010 11:40pm

Phoebe Gardens

I left a comment on your wall as booksie was being stupid earlier on :D

Fri, October 15th, 2010 7:02am


Aww! I’m glad you think I’m a good writer:] I really appreciate all your comments and I want you to know that your comments always make my day and make me feel so much better. Really they do. And yeah I know it’s been such a long time since I’ve updated and I apologize for that. I feel really guilty to leave the story hanging like that. Hopefully I post soon.

When I first began writing this story I wanted to understand people with depression and depression itself. I really had to look within myself to be able to do five chapters. I had to put myself in this characters shoes and try to feel what she felt. It was kind of hard to do at first, but it’s different now. One of the reasons why I hadn’t updated in such a long time is because this year has been very tough for me. I’m currently seeing a therapist and she’s recommending I take medication. Funny how now it’s not that hard anymore. I have depression myself so when I wrote this chapter it wasn’t as tough because I’m living parts of it. Of course and thankfully it’s not as severe as Jessica where I’m cutting myself, but I feel some of what she’s feeling. So when you say that I’ve done good with it, I’m so happy to hear it. I’m glad I can translate some of my feelings into writing.

I don’t want to sound evil but I’m glad you’re torn between them, is that bad? Haha well it’s fun to be evil sometimes :D Next chapter will be…something. I have no idea what I’m going to write next. Thanks fo reading! I love you so much:]

Fri, October 15th, 2010 6:08pm


I don't like Lucas! Great job, update soon!

Fri, October 15th, 2010 12:29pm


Haha a couple of people don't:D aww thanks! Thanks for reading:]

Fri, October 15th, 2010 10:51am


Well its been a while XD

Noah's cute. Lucas...needs to make up his mind.

Update soon!!

Fri, October 15th, 2010 8:43pm


Yes it has been a very lobg time:D I'm glad you think he's cute! Yep, I agree, Lucas should make up his mind. Guys..they're so complicated lol thanks for reading:]

Fri, October 15th, 2010 5:55pm


hahaha lol i think i told u but idk but i just have 2 say that this is awsome!!!!!!!!!

Tue, October 26th, 2010 9:18pm


:D haha you did! Aww thanks, you are awesome! thanks for reading!

Tue, October 26th, 2010 4:51pm

Lady Leah

Wow, it took me awhile to catch up!!!
But I'm up to spead, Noah... hmmm... Lucas... hmmm...
Tee Hee I will see what happen's later in the story before I make up my mind!
~Lady Leah~

Tue, November 16th, 2010 7:45am


Oh my god! Lady leah!!!!! Youre back!!!!!!! :D where have you been missy? I hope you read this so you can tell me! Aww I missed you:] I thought you were really gone because I saw your page...and I thought... Aww who cares, you're back.

Ahh, yes Noah and Lucas. Well you can defintely choose later LOL

Thanks for reading!

Tue, November 16th, 2010 8:25am


I'm so confused. Not because of your writing. The opposite. I love it!(: I'm just imagining myself as Jess and how she must feel. She loves him so much, so she can't really hate him. But I think she's getting feelings for Noah. Wow! Congrats, you've thoroughly captured my attention and I'm loving this story!

Sun, February 19th, 2012 10:41pm


Oh, at first I thought maybe I did something really wrong! :P yeah that's true, theres just something there between them that she can't look over. Oh we'll see. Awww yay! Thanks for reading:)

Sun, February 19th, 2012 9:21pm

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