It’s a new year and my first day of school at a new high school. All I have on my mind is why did I have to move, and I wish I could be with Donovan. I go to my first three classes and lunch and so far it was a good day; it feels like people aren’t very accepting but that understandable. They must not get a lot of new students here. Oh well. So when I got to my last class, which was French, I saw this handsome guy. To be honest, I don’t believe in love at first sight until that day; I fell in love with a complete stranger. I got butterflies in my stomach, my adrenaline was kicking in and I got the nerve to sit next to him. I tried to start a conversation with him but he would look the other way when I talked to him. He wouldn’t even look at me.
Now your probably wondering who Donovan is. Well Donovan is one of my ex boyfriends and the story is one I do not like to tell. I will admit I lied to the boy who I love. I didn't want him to know the real story about Donovan, well because he's crazy. Well that makes the both of us. Donovan and I knew about each other but never talked my first year of high school. We may have said hi or something but never had a full conversation till the last week of school. Anyways, what I didn't know was that we have been holding conversations.
Formspring was this new hot website. You know like MySpace or Facebook, but this website let you ask people questions. You could hide your name or show your name and you could ask anything. So he started talking to me on there and I had no idea. He started telling me how he see's me in school and how he thinks I'm pretty and stuff. At first I was a little creped out but he was so nice and made my better so I kept talking to him. He stopped when I got a boyfriend. I was a little upset because he told me he was going to tell me who he is.
Anyways I should have known it was him. I mean he gave me hints but at the time I couldn't figure it out. I always thought he was cute but he had a girlfriend. Now I'm not the one for breaking a couple up. I just see no point, and it would be wrong to do so. So I broke my phone around March or April and I needed a new one. So he said he has a phone I could have. Now that was really generous because it was a really nice phone too. Ever since then I wish we were friends.
I see him at school with his girlfriend who is so lucky and so pretty in my opinion and he see's me with a different guy maybe every two weeks or a month. It depends. I never actually dated these guys though. It was more of a fling or a casual third base kind of thing. It wasn't a lot of boys I was hooking up with though. It was probably about six boys the whole year. Most of them were in the spring. I was too focused on Volleyball to even think of boys. I'd look at Donovan though and just think to myself, I could see us together and I'd love to get the chance to know him.
I ended up failing English class, and having to go to summer school. So I leave my dad house early to go to summer school. Then my mom drops the moving bomb on me. She always says she's going to move but she already had the house half packed up. I was upset. I had a good freshman year, and I was captain of the JV Volleyball team. I had a name for myself at high school already. We already moved so much, she promised me we would never move again but she always breaks her promises.
I posted a status on Facebook telling everyone that I am moving to Oregon and my mom is serious this time. People thought it was the next town over and then some people were shocked. I was moving 3,000 miles across the country. Pretty insane huh? Whatever though. So that day Donovan messaged me if he can pick me up from summer school one day and hang out with me and I got so excited, I started dancing and running around the house. I was so freaking happy, I never thought the day would come.
So he picks me up from summer school, and brought a mutual friend a long; Bryan Tinder. So we all go to my house and were all just chilling and playing in my box house I made. Then Corey texted Donovan and we all ditch my house to go visit Corey. What Bryan and I didn't know was the real reason we were going over there was so him and Donovan can smoke some weed. Which I'm totally fine with and Bryan is too as long as they don't try to pressure him into smoking.
As we get to Corey's, Donovan immediately ditches me for five minutes then comes back. Corey, who I've known since sixth or seventh grade was already stoned out of his mind and then here comes Donovan. He's not as stoned as Corey, but he's close. So were all hanging out and they offer me a Four Loko, so I drink the Four Loko by myself. So I was a bit out of it too. Which was probably not a good idea but at the time I didn't care.
Donovan and I are lying on the couch, and don't forget it’s our first time hanging out. We're laying there making blow fish faces or as he would say "pufferfish" faces. Anyways I kissed him first. We started making out immediately. He's pretty good at it but the worst part was the way he tasted. It was like weed, Four Loko, and lemonade. Oh and cigarette. The worst combination ever, but I thought at the time I was falling in love with him.
Everyone found out about us not to long after that day. Everyone actually was happy for us. They thought we were cute together. Donovan asked me out pretty soon and yeah we may have rushed it but what I don't know what it was. I'll just call us "summer lust." I mean that’s all we were. I did love Donovan and I was so attached to him I didn't even realize it.
All summer we were all over each other. We did everything together. I was happy and he was happy. One problem he was a bit controlling. I didn't notice, and he had these crazy ideas about how to keep me here with him. He said I'm helping change his life around and in a good way. At the time I believed it. I mean I was a freshman going to me a sophomore and he was a junior going to be a senior. He knew what he was doing and knew I didn't know what I was doing.
Now some people believed I had sex with Donovan, and some people know me well enough that they know that isn't true. I can tell you he did stick his dick in me but I couldn't do it. It felt wrong and I felt dirty. I mean, I loved him. At the time I'd do anything for him but we were in this dirty trailer house, Corey and his friends had sex with so many girls on the mattress, and I just couldn't do it. Plus right when I told Donovan to stop his friends busted in while we kind of butt naked.
I was glad they busted in when they did. I felt bad after but then again, I just had this gut feeling this was a bad idea. Donovan was probably upset but he did a good job about hiding it. He hid a lot of things from me. He was so sweet to me though I couldn't see through his bullshit. He whispers in my ear how beautiful I am. He'd hold my hand and kiss it or kiss my forehead. He was constantly reminding me how much I mean to him and how much he loves me, I never had to question him or worry.
A few days before moving day, he said he wanted me to run away with him, or that we both just die together so we never have to leave each other side. It was a tad bit insane but I was so in love with him it didn’t even matter to me. I was going to run away with the so called "love of my life" or kill myself with the "love of my life." Yeah, let’s face it. I'm crazy and a dumbass.
The story about Donovan and I can go on. I’ll finish it and make it quick. Donovan and I didn’t run away. We tried to long distance but he cheated and my mom emailed him to leave me alone so I wouldn’t want to move back to Virginia. Little did she know I wanted to move back no matter what. I can kind of say I grew up with those people but my mom didn’t care. She only did what’s best for her and I’ve should of known that.
Back to Donovan and I though. He controlled my life all summer up until I moved. Well he still did over long distance but I couldn’t tell. After I moved people told me how unhealthy our relationship was and I needed to get out before things got worse, but little did they know things already got worse. Donovan broke up with me and then said just kidding. Like what the hell is that? Was that supposed to be funny? It totally wasn’t! He kept breaking up with me and getting back with me I was so confused.
That’s when I founded out he was already seeing someone else. After we broke up for good he kept pulling my strings. He’d tell me anything I wanted to hear but then say I can’t do this I have a girlfriend. He did this to me non-stop. Playing these little mind games was all he ever did. I didn’t trust any guy that talked to me in school. I pushed them all away. I guess I became the school “slut” somehow. That story is for a different day.
These games went on the whole year. He’d block me but then send me messages on Formspring saying stuff like “your seat will never be taken” and “I’ll always love you,” blah blah blah. I was so confused and so lost but he had me wrapped around his finger. I did almost anything he wanted, except have sex with him. It was summer now, and I was moving in with my dad.
So when I got to my dad house, I had made plans to go see my best friend Chandler. When I get down to Chandler house I found out she has a super early game for Field Hockey at like 6 a.m. I wasn’t going to go to that. I went to all the others and I’ll go to the afternoon one. So I was walking around good old Belmont looking for some old friends. I ended up at Trevor’s house. Trevor and I are just chilling and he invited Donovan over after I told him not too. Trevor tried making moves on me and I just gave in.
I was so vulnerable, and makes me (my character) sound so slutty but anyways I only go to third base with Trevor. He tells me that we’re not going to tell Donovan when he gets here and I’m like “uhm okay.” When Donovan arrives Trevor tells me to stay inside and kind of be like a surprise. I was very confused. Little did I know, Donovan had a girlfriend at the time. So Donovan comes inside and like I feel so many emotions at once. It was overwhelming, and confusing that I didn’t know what to do. I sort of just froze. I couldn’t believe that I was actually seeing him.
Donovan is about 5’10” or 5’11”, with dirty blonde hair and the prettiest blue eyes I have ever seen. He does have a tattoo now, and gauged ears, which is a bit disturbing but I had so many mix emotions towards him. I don’t know what I am going to do. Trevor and I just hooked up, and now it’s awkward for me. The three of us are walking around. Donovan finds out that Trevor and I hooked up, because Trevor is shady like that. I was so angry, but I only did it to myself.
Trevor soon leaves Donovan and I alone. It was like they were planning something and I didn’t want to be apart of it what so ever. Now I’m not going to describe where we are because I could get in trouble, but I will tell you what we did once Trevor left. Donovan and I were all close and personal since we first saw each other. Donovan looks at me and talks to me about how he misses me and how he wish things were different and how much stronger, happier, and what we could have been if I stayed with him. Well if I ran away with him, (which I knew I never was going to do. It sounded nice at the time but its just not who I am.)
Back to what happen between Donovan and I. So Donovan grab my hand and lead me down stairs. I show him a room that it would be safe to go in and well you know. Do stuff. So we lay on the bed and I start kissing him, but he stops me. He tells me that he’s sorry for everything and that he really does miss me and love me. For some reason I just go mhm and continue to kiss him. So we do what we did when we dated. We made out like we haven’t seen each other in years. I was on top for awhile ( fully clothed by the way) and then he pushes me off. He kisses my forehead ( I love that, if you do that. Oh man I’m in love with you,) then my neck and starts to unbutton my pants. He does it in a way that makes it so romantic in my eyes and cute. I won’t give the rest of the details but I can tell you we didn’t have sex. I just knew it wasn’t right.
So we leave the place once we finish and meet up with Trevor. Trevor is a tad bit jealous, but is playing it cool. Once again I’m wrapped around Donovan finger. He can pull the string and he can get whatever he wants from me. I tried talking about us, and he just talks about how much he misses me, that he is so glad he got to see me, and that he loves me. When I hear I love you; I just shut up and smile and fall for it all over again.
Gosh, I loved him and the times I spent with him. I don’t regret any of it. I didn’t put everything in here about us though. I will tell you I went crazy when he dumped me and then got with another girl shortly after. I was so upset, but he also did play me and it was bad to begin with. He played so many mind games it ended up fucking up my future relationship. I can’t really blame him though. I only have myself to blame.
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Book / True Confessions
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