“Grace...Grace, are you awake? I’m coming in!!” I heard my mom yelling. I removed my earphones, Sinead’s ` Nothing compared 2 u` blasting on my ipod, on repeat. It’s been 3 days since I last heard from Chris, three agonizing days of staying in my room crying.
“Will you please get up and look outside?? All the neighbors are getting crazy, I am getting crazy!!! What is wrong with you two??” Mother is irritated.
I got up, walked to the front door...and outside, I saw my neighbors gathering in front, whispering something with each other.
I almost fell when I saw a huge, white billboard-like banner plastered across the street... with big bold letters saying “I AM SORRY. I LOVE YOU, GRACE”!! I covered my mouth in shock!! I can’t believe that Chris would do this for me. I looked around, hoping to see Chris. I kinda imagined that he will just pop out of nowhere, with flowers in his hands, kneeling, asking me back. All I saw was 2 guys, mounting the canvas on a make-shift pole.
“Hi, I’m Grace. Can you please take it down? It’s embarrassing.”
“Oh, hi ma’m. We were instructed by Chris to put this up. We’re almost done. You want this out now?”
“Yes, please. Where is Chris anyway?”
“We don’t know him actually. We work for a signage company, we were paid to do this today. Are you sure you want this removed?”
I see. No Chris, just paid guys to do HIS job. “Yes. Thank you. I don’t like to keep it, just do whatever with it.” They looked at each other and shrugged, then started to dismantle the canvas sign.
I went inside. Somehow, I felt happy for his effort. But I want more. I want him to be with ME, only me.
My brother is shaking his head, “ What is it this time? This looks like world war 3!”
“No. This is the end of the world!” I snapped back.
My mom and brother looked at each other. The phone is ringing. I know who it is. “I’ll answer it!” and I went back to my room.
“Hello, is this Grace?”
“Speaking. Who is this, please?” Her voice is not familiar to me.
“So, how long are you and my husband cheating on me??”
OH MY GOD!!
“...is this Pinky?” I pray to God that this is just a dream...
“Surprised?? You think you guys can keep this a secret?? You are a whore!! It’s the money, isn’t it? Flirts like you clinging desperately with a married man!! How cheap can you be?”
I can’t believe this. I am not a whore. I never flirted with anybody. And definitely it is not because of money that I am with Chris.
“If I could just get out of this freaking hospital, I would take your eyes out!! You will be so sorry, you are going to crawl and beg for your life, you bitch!”
“What? Hospital...?” Is she dying!?
“Of course, you stupid whore! I just gave birth! I don’t know what Chris sees in you, dumb fat moron!!”
She just gave birth? I asked Chris about his kids, he never told me about the pregnancy.
“Stay away, or I will ruin your life just like the others. You and your dumb family better watch out. Just because I was pregnant doesn’t mean I’m stupid like you!!”
“How did you know my number?”
“Chris told me everything. I always found out about Chris’ activities. And he always sings like a canary bird when trapped. I don’t think you’re going to be a good doctor. You are just shit. And please stop using the suicide excuse against him, it’s pathetic! If you want to die, go ahead!! Or do you want me to help you kill yourself? This is your wake up call. Chris stayed with you because you blackmailed him with the `i’m-going-to-kill-myself` drama. So, now, go ahead and hang yourself, bitch!” CLICK.
What?! I never thought of suicide, ever. Blackmail Chris? There were also others?? I think I’m going to pass out. I just stared blankly at my wall, for what it seemed like an eternity. I am NUMB. I need to think, but about what? What am I gonna do?
I gathered all my strength and at that night, I spoke with my mom. I told her everything. We cried, we hugged. And I decided that I have to leave. I had to. My mother did not tell me otherwise. She understood my pain. I know that she, and the rest of my family will understand.
Days passed, no word from Chris. I also started my board review classes, both for the national licensure and the USMLE. I need to pass this, I need to get away. I want to start over. Maybe If I’m far away from all these, I could never feel this hurt.
I don’t know if I could love again. To love another person with the same passion and intensity, with the same trust and honesty I was able to give and show Chris, I just don’t know if I could do that again. Yes, we never had sex. There were times that I was about to give in, but I always manage to restrain myself. I’m also thankful that he never forced me, even though I could sometimes see the disgust in his face. I always compensate it with a good mouth and hand job. He taught me how to please him, and I always obliged. Petting? Yes, we did it, but no insertion of fingers.
I just miss him, that’s all. I don’t know how to explain it, but Chris is the person I love the most, but he’s also the same person I hated so much.
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