China-Me and the Dragon

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Travel  |  House: Booksie Classic

Chapter 8 (v.1) - Mutant Panda Killers

Submitted: December 30, 2008

Reads: 238

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Submitted: December 30, 2008

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Mutant Panda Killers
Hum.. I’m thinking now of a possible science-fiction movie in which a great breakthrough is made in panda breeding by splicing the rat genes for reproduction with normal panda genes. Everything goes swimmingly, at first. Panda numbers rocket, and pretty soon, there are enough of them for people to keep them as pets, and the scientist who invented the process (played by Julia Roberts, I think) is universally acclaimed.
However, things take a dramatic turn for the worse when the panda genes mutate in unforeseen ways, and the pandas change from docile vegetarians into aggressive super intelligent carnivores, with a special affinity for human flesh, especially young virgin female flesh. They break out of their breeding centres and spread through the remaining forests of central Asia, increasing their numbers exponentially while preparing for a great assault on Chengdu.
In one scene, General Wee Pee, the panda leader, talks strategy with other panda generals, while Julia Roberts looks on helplessly, held hostage in a small cage and taunted by thuggish panda guards, who call her ‘big mouth, baldy monkey face’.
The Chengdu offensive takes the city in two days, and panic spreads through the world at large, as satellite TV images show humans being torn to shreds by bloodthirsty panda killers, their black and white fur splattered in red blood stains.
At an emergency meeting of the UN Security Council, the American President (played by somebody black or female, or preferably both) convinces everybody that the only way to retaliate is through a limited nuclear strike on the Sichuan area. The Chinese leader (played by Jackie Chan) at first proposes a kung-fu solution, but admits there isn’t time to train the populace and reluctantly agrees to the American plan, and the USAF drop the big one.
However, catastrophe strikes again when the radioactivity only makes the pandas stronger. New Super Mutant Pandas emerge from the ashes of Chengdu; 50 metres tall, with claws the size of cars, and laser eyes. The pandas look set to take over the world. Chairman Jackie Chan manages to take out a few with some deft martial arts moves outside the UN building, but he’s overpowered and all looks lost.
After a vicious genocidal war, human numbers are reduced to 1,000, and the pandas set up a Human Breeding Centre in London Zoo. The humans are pampered and given everything they could need for a happy life; mobile phones, big cages, home entertainment systems and a McDonalds. Most of the humans settle in happily enough to their new lives of ease, and learn to ignore the panda cubs laughing at them and pointing at their antics, and President Bush finds he enjoys all the attention, and performs special tricks to make the cubs throw monkey nuts.
Julia Roberts, however, refuses to accept her prison sentence, and joins a crack band of resistance fighters in a daring bid to escape from London Zoo. Then she breaks into a laboratory, plays around with some test tubes for a few minutes and finds the solution that somehow eluded all the best scientific minds during the Panda War.
She places a slow-acting but lethal anti-panda virus into the water supply that kills all pandas and leaves mankind back in control of the planet, and the pandas are brought to extinction
The film could be called “Mutant Panda Killers,” and the advertising slogan might be, “Cute is a four letter word”, or “Teddy Terror.” All I need now is a love interest. Perhaps Julia Roberts could hook up with one of the resistance fighters-some kind of tough marine type. You know, the guy-who-breaks-the-rules-but-always-gets-his-man action hero used in all Hollywood films these days. Bruce Willis might be good for the role. Heaven knows, he’s never played any other role.
Yes, I think this will be next year’s summer blockbuster…But there has to be a twist in the tail. Of course! Julia Roberts turns out to have been artificially inseminated with panda general Wee Pee’s baby-and then there can be a Mutant Panda Killers 2.
Hurrah! I’m gonna be rich!!
Back in Chengdu city, and surrounded by 11 million humans, I began to have second thought about the movie. Firstly, no-one would ever watch something so crass, and secondly the only real danger to the planet, the science-fact monster rather than the science-fiction one, is a hairless simian biped, called man.
I put these thoughts aside and prepared to fly to the roof of the Dragon’s cave, the roof of the world, in fact, Tibet.


© Copyright 2020 Phillip Donnelly. All rights reserved.

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