LIFE IN THE SOCIETY ??

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How I lost my father and what was my thinking at that age?

Chapter 1 (v.1) - Father

Submitted: January 21, 2016

Reads: 262

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Submitted: January 21, 2016

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Chapter 1

Father

January 11th 2009

I (16 years old), preparing kites on the upstairs along with the neighbor kids, for participating in the kite’s festival and suddenly I heard screaming’s of my family members.

Immediately, I ran downstairs, everyone surrounded my father, crying, as my father stopped breathing.

I shouted at everyone - ‘Stop crying, he is alive’, ‘Stop crying, he is alive’; but no one was listening to my words.

Everyone are saying, ‘Your father left us’.

May 10th 2007

10th class (SSC) results were out, I cried, the moment I came to know my score. Sadness and dullness, continued in my life, till I came to know, one of the private colleges in the city is offering free admission, for students, who scored above 90% in their SSC exam.

All my sadness and dullness,  were replaced by Joy and Enthusiasm, the moment I heard the news;  all these days, I wasn’t sad because of my score, but I was sad, since I won’t able to get free admission in any college. I went to the college, with a little hope, but with more fear, whether they will give me free admission or not, as my score is only 90%; and submitted my application.

I was very happy, when, I saw my name on the selected candidate list, eligible for free admission, for one academic year (they selected the students, based on SSC score, and entrance test score they had conducted).

I conveyed the message to my father, and he felt very happy. Whatever hard work, I had, studying, day and night, was just to see this happiness, in the face of my father. I know, how much struggle, he is going through, financially; to pay the educational fee for all three of us. Despite his struggle, he always wanted to give best education for all the three of us, which he missed in his life.

When I was halfway through my 10th standard, I came to know, private colleges in the city offer free admission, for students who score 95% and above marks. This information, raised every hope in me, to reduce my education burden on my father, at least for one year.

May be, God saw my wish to be very genuine and pure, and blessed me, to get free admission even though I scored 90% only.

I started enjoying my vacation, playing with the neighbor kids, watching TV, but each and every day, I have the same old question in my life.

There are even few days, where, I was simply sitting in the corner of my room, thinking this same old question; I had kept my maximum effort, prepared day and night for each exam, yet I got 90% only; then, “How much hard work, a student has to put, to score 95%”; maybe, they are preparing without having sleep!”

Vacation completed

First day of college - Orientation program

Director of the institute, addressing the students, what they are expecting from students by giving free admissions. Since, this is first academic year of our college, we are providing free admissions to toppers, expecting students to give their best, to build the institute reputation. Not only that, this year, institute will give a reward of 1 lakh rupees, for a student, who gets a state rank below 5.

What, reward worth 1 lakh rupees? The moment, I heard that news from the director, I am on cloud nine. Director is saying something, but all I could hear is

“A reward of 1 lakh rupees, for a student, who gets a state rank below 5”

“A reward of 1 lakh rupees, for a student, who gets a state rank below 5”

“A reward of 1 lakh rupees, for a student, who gets a state rank below 5”

One lakh rupees!! Okay, what can I do with one lakh rupees?

I am going to keep everything with me, and I will spend the money for my further education. Half of the amount, for my graduation, and remaining half amount, I can deposit in bank and I will take it after finishing my graduation.

Okay, my graduation is finished, what I am going to do with the remaining money?

Wait! Wait! Just, wait a second!

What the hell I am thinking? How come, I completely forgot my father? How could I became so selfish? I never thought, I would become this much selfish in my life.

I just got one lakh rupees, and I started thinking about my career, without considering my father. Even though, planning my educational career, reduces my educational burden on my family; but, on the first hand, what I suppose to do, I have to give that one lakh rupees to my father, and I have to tell him about my plan, giving him, full rights to do whatever he wishes for.

Hey, stand up!

No. It’s not you, that one, who is wearing white shirt.

It took me like a shock, and all of a sudden, I noticed, I am in the lecture hall and director is pointing at someone.

Hey! Come on stand up, that guy, who is wearing a white shirt.

I am completely finished, he is calling me. I don’t know what he was saying. The only thing, I remember from his speech is, “A reward of 1 lakh rupees”

May be, he had noticed me, as I wasn’t listening to his speech, and that’s why, he is making me to stand. Now, what I have to tell?

One of the student in the front row, wearing a white shirt, stood up, and director asked him, to introduce to everyone.

Aha, what a relief!

God, I know, you will be always there for me, to help me at these kind of situations. Thank you God, Thank you very much.

Finally, director finished his speech, by giving a statement:

“Don’t study for your parent’s sake or don’t study, just to pass the exam”; “Study for your own sake, for your bright future”

Hey! Come on. I am just studying for my father, to see happiness in his face. How can director say like that?

I still remember the day of my 7th standard exam results

First time, I saw happiness in my father’s face, and the reason is, my score in 7th standard examination. It made him not only happy, but also very proud.

He took me to his office, and with very much proud, told to all his superiors about my performance in studies. All staff, who are working there, told me, my father always talks about me in the office. He always say that, his only wish is, to see me as an Engineer.

That day, I decided, no matter what happens, the only priority in my life is, EDUCATION. I have to see happiness in his face, and the only way I can do is, by excelling in my studies.

That decision, which I took on that day, made me to study hard, finally getting a free admission, and everything happened, just because of my father.

But, why the director had told, “Don’t study for your parent’s sake!” Why he made a statement like that?

Hello, Brother! Meeting is over. Get up and give way for us.

Oh! I am sorry. I came out of the lecture hall, and started to my home.

First year of intermediate education

I started working so hard, each and every day, I was improving on my performance. The very best thing, that happened to me is – ‘college’s curriculum’. Even though, every student in the class felt it as a burden, but for me it is perfect, as if, it is designed just for my sake.

Daily 4 hours of sleep, no games, no TV and whenever there is free time, I spend that time in studying, studying and studying.

The only time that was getting wasted is, time for having food, time during travelling to college and bathing time.

Public examination dates were out. For the first exam, I arrived half an hour earlier to the examination center. Most of the student over there were fully tensed, and were very busy in turning the pages of their book. By seeing this whole scene, I was unable to control my laugh, but my father’s presence forced me to control my laugh.

All the exams were finished, and I am sure about getting a state rank below 5. Results were out. I scored 98% percentage, but the state top score was 99%. I was not eligible for any reward, as I wasn’t in the state top 5; expect appreciations from all the faculty.

All these days’ effort, studying day and night, everything went without yielding any result. Everyone in my family, felt very happy, when they heard my score and my relatives came to congratulate me on my performance. The only person, who is very unhappy, was me.

Whole one year’s effort just went without making anything. Always these exam results make me feel sad and cry. The same thing happened in my SSC results also, and now, intermediate first year exam results also made me to feel sad and cry.

Even though, I didn’t get any reward, as I was topper of my campus I got fee exemption for the next academic year, which made me to feel a little bit happy.

At the end of year 2008, my father’s health became so critical, he got admitted in hospital. It had been two days, since my father admitted in hospital, all my family members were in the hospital except me, as I was preparing for my exams.

On the fifth day afternoon, my family members came to my college and asked permission, to take me to the hospital. The condition of my father was so critical, even doctors were unable to find what the problem was?

Before entering into the ICU room, my family members told me, my father was not in a position to recognize anyone, and that’s the reason why they called me. May be after seeing me, there are chances of improvement from his present situation. I entered the room where my father was getting treatment.

Four nurses surrounded my father’s bed, and I am unable to see his face. They are doing something to my father. I am afraid to move, and I slowly walked to see his face.

When I approached his bed, I saw that all these nurses were trying to put a cloth in my father’s mouth. I don’t have any idea, why these people are doing it. One of the staff, called me from backside.

Hey! Boy. Who are you?

Sir, why nurses are forcing clothes into my dad’s mouth?

So, you are Durga Prasad, Right?

Yes sir, I am Durga Prasad. But why the nurses are …

Calm down Durga, I can understand you. They are doing those things, to help your father.  

Just before few minutes, your father tried to bit his own tongue. Even though, we tried to stop him, he wasn’t stopping it. So, nurses are forcing cloth into his mouth.

Sir, why my father will bit his own tongue? What happened to my father?

Kid, we already done our best. There is no improvement in your father’s health, if it is physical health problem, it may somehow respond to any medical drugs, but the problem is, he was mentally disturbed, and now, he was unable to recognize even his own family members.

That’s why, you are here.

Your family members told, he likes you very much and they are all hoping, there will be some kind of improvement in him when he sees you.

They finished putting cloth into my father’s mouth.

I slowly went toward his seat, and sat on the bed by the side of his left hand. Both of my father’s hands and legs were tied to the bed.

Dad! Why are doing like this? What happened to you?

Daddy?

Dad? Look at me. I am Durga dad. Look at me.

He is not at all looking at me. He is continuously staring at the roof.

After five minutes of continuous effort, he turned his face toward me and looked into my eyes. I felt very happy, finally he recognized me, he was continuously staring at me and drops were falling from his left eye onto the bed cover.

I wiped it off. I am very happy, finally he became normal and I started to remove the cloth kept in his mouth, as he was trying to say something to me.

But, when I removed the cloth, he kept his tongue out of his mouth and started biting it. I tried my best, to control him, but he didn’t stopped it.

He is continuously doing it, again and again. I don’t know what to do, I have to stop him, hurting himself, and so, I kept my fingers into his mouth so that he can’t bit his tongue.

But I was shocked, when he started biting my fingers. He was biting it so hardly that I had his tooth impressions on my fingers. He is biting it so forcibly, as if I was his enemy.

Nurses, who went out, just came and saw the whole scene, ran towards me, forcibly removed my fingers from my father’s mouth, arranged the clothes into his mouth. All the staff became very much angry, but became calm, when they saw the tooth imprints on my fingers and started first aiding me.

I was simply sitting on the chair, seeing my father’s face.

I heard the voices, ‘Why I did like that?’, ‘See his fingers, they completely turned to red!’, ‘See, there was blood on his middle finger’ But, the only thought, going in my mind is

“How can he hurt me?”

“How can my father forget me?”

I came out of ICU, a nurse already explained what happened inside, and everyone in my family asked, ‘why I did like that?’, ‘Is it hurting?’ by seeing the imprints on my fingers, but no one was seeing the real pain which made me to cry.

“What happened to my father?”

“How can he hurt me?”

“How can my father forget me?”

After one week, my father started showing some improvement, but no one knows, how he is recovering and even doctors told that, it is due to God’s grace.

My father got discharged on the last week of December 2008, and told to have bed rest for few days at home.

January 11th 2009

I (16 years old) am preparing kites on the upstairs along with the neighbor kids for participating in the kite’s festival and suddenly I heard screaming’s of my family members. Immediately, I ran downstairs, everyone surrounded my father, crying, as my father stopped breathing.

I shouted at everyone - ‘Stop crying, he is alive’, ‘Stop crying, he is alive’; but no one was listening to my words. Everyone are saying, ‘Your father left us’.

No, he is not dead! How can he left me, he promised me to be there at my graduation, then how can just leave me like that? These people are telling lies to me.

They don’t know anything. My dad is just sleeping, and when I go and call him, he will wake up; for sure he will wake up.

I shouldn’t be here, these people are telling lies to me; I will go upstairs, and prepare my kite. I have to win the kites festival, share the happy moments with my dad. He will feel very proud for my achievement.

My life is nothing without you dad. You knew it very well, then how can you leave me?

Dad, see, I am preparing kite, and for sure I am going to win. Do you remember dad, it is you, who taught me how to make kites. It is you, who was there, by the side of me, cheering me up, at my first kites’ festival. I am preparing the kite now, I know your health is in bad condition, but you have to come to cheer me up dad. I know, you will definitely come.

It is your dream to see me as an Engineer, right? Then, how could he leave me? Those people don’t know anything dad, they are saying, you are dead.

How can you die without seeing me as an Engineer? Do you know dad, I always dreamed, how happy you will be, at the time of receiving my graduation degree.

Dad, do you know, what is my dream? After completing my graduation, I wanted to buy a car for you dad. Yes, dad. You always dreamed of buying a car, right? It is the best surprise, I am going to give you.

And one more thing, on that day, you must sit in the back seat and I will drive you to your favorite locations. Promise me, that day, you must spend time, only with me.

After an hour, my family members found me on upstairs, and came to me.

Durga, come let us go inside the home.

No, I am not coming.

Tell me, ‘My father is alive’ then only I will come. Otherwise, I will stay here only.

They all tried to make me calm, and forcibly dragged me, to downstairs.

My brother and sister came, tried to make me calm. Whole family members surrounded me, trying to console me, trying to make me calm, telling, the expectations he had on me, which is making me more emotional, unable to accept the fact, ‘He left me

Colleagues from my dad’s office surrounded me, trying to make me calm, saying, ‘you know durga, your father wanted to see you, as an Engineer; you need to fulfill his dream’. They tried, and tried, and went away.

‘Why I have to become an Engineer?’

‘He promised me, to be there, at my graduation; if he is not keeping his promise, leaving me alone, then what is the reason for me to study anymore?’

My aunt, shut my mouth with her hands tightly, so that I will stop crying, but tears are flowing down from my eyes, and after few minutes, she went away.

Arrangements were made, for carrying my father’s body to my village (30 kilometers from my home town) and the ambulance arrived at my home.

My father’s body was kept in the ambulance, some of my family members and close relatives, got into ambulance. I too get into the ambulance, I was still crying along with others, who were in the ambulance.

Ambulance doors were closed and started moving, slowly one after another stopped crying, after five minutes, everyone inside the ambulance stopped crying.

I am still crying, but I am surprised, why all the members inside the ambulance stopped crying and relaxing themselves?

After half an hour, ambulance reached my village. All the village people, already gathered near my home and I was still crying inside the ambulance.

Ambulance doors were opened and all of a sudden, members inside the ambulance, started crying. The moment, I heard them crying, “Tears stopped rolling down from my eyes”.

I am just looking at them, with a shock, “Why they stopped crying, when the ambulance doors were closed?” and “Why they started crying, when the doors opened?”

After that moment, not even a single tear shed from my eyes, not even at the time of funeral.

I simply sat in the corner of my home, in the village, with this shock.

“Why they stopped crying, when the ambulance doors were closed?” and “Why they started crying, when the doors opened?”

People in the village came, saw my father’s body, gave their words of consolation to my family members who were crying,  but no one came towards me, neither to ask ‘why I am simply sitting without any emotion?’ nor to give their words of consolation.

On the other hand, my family members, started giving reasons like, ‘Durga, cried continuously for more than four hours, that’s why he is unable to cry now’.

Same situation repeated again, and again; villagers are coming one by one, consoling all my family members; shocked to see me sitting silently, without any emotion; my family members giving the same reason again, and again.

That is not the true reason, why I am not crying; and I don’t know, why my family members were giving those reasons, for each and every individual, staring at me?

I don’t know, why, neither my family members nor these people, asked me, ‘why I wasn’t crying’. Instead of doing that, everyone around me, started their own interpretations, their own reasons.

***

Two months passed, without seeing him, without listening to his voice. I am alone, when I was going to write my exam. I am alone, having no one, to share my feelings and I am alone, when I was crying in my room.

Exams finished, and results were also out. To whom, I have to show this results?

Where is that smile, which comes, when he looks at my result? Where are those words of motivating, if I am upset?

Till now, all my educational success, is because of him, to see a smile on his face. Now, for whom I have to study? To whom, I have to show my grades?

Whole 16 years of my life was spent, between four walls in this room, without going out to any place, without having any friends “ and I was just like a Robot, inputted  – ‘study hard’, and output – ‘To see smile on my dad’s face’ ”

Now, where are those smiles? I don’t know, what to do? What for, I have to continue my life?

Throughout my father’s life, despite his health condition, he made everyone around him, happy. He never spoke, not even a single word, against anyone.

Whatever the remaining life, I am having, I have to do the same thing. “Yes, I will be. I am going to become the reason for others happiness.”

The smile which I lost; I am going to see that very smile, on each and every person’s face, whom I will meet in my life, for the rest of my life.

 

 

 


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