Chapter 1: Fearless

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Other  |  House: Booksie Classic

Reads: 335
Comments: 5


I couldn't believe that I was actually ready to do this, to let all that I've become vanish & never look back. There was no redo's with this. There was no way I could change my mind. I wasn't even sure that this way going to be enough to do the job. Maybe all I'll get out of this was a really bad scare & countless sessions of therapy. I sighed, wondering why everything was taking a turn for the worse. It wasn't like I didn't have a good family. It wasn't because I was doing poorly in life. It wasn't because I have a bad background. It wasn't because I was friendless. I sighed once more, shaking slightly.

Love makes you really fucked up.

Yeah, that's right. Love is the reason I'm considering death. But, nobody understands. Nobody can ever feel what we had. Ever. So, of course it's going to sound silly when I tell people the reason why I have no life left inside me.

My head swirled & my vision fucking sucked. How many shots? 5? 6? Whatever is enough to kill me is what I think I told the bartender. He chuckled. Bastard. Maybe he thought I was already smashed. I did look a little shitty.

Anywho, everyone is telling me I'm ridiculous to be so hung up over a boy. But he wasn't a boy. He was a man. & he...well he was pretty much designed for me. We were so different but were so the same. We lived on different planets, but shared the same world. Fuck, we shared a whole universe. A whole solar system. He was the sun I revolved around. But once all of those things stop moving, & stop revolving, there's always an apocalypse to follow. & my world was crashing into a trillion pieces.

Hey, at least it matched my heart now.

I've had many opportunities to move on. Really, I have. My friends have set me up on countlessdates. & most of those guys were actually really nice. Problem is, they weren't him. & through all those dates, I kept trying to find things in them that reminded me of him. His untamable, soft, mess of blonde hair, strong jaw line, slightly wide blue eyes that were always filled with wonderment. Or when he would smile, his dimples would come out & wink at me. I found none of those.

Except for tonight. Because it was actually him.

I was just walking down to the local, shitty bar on the corner, ready to play my favourite game of get-so-fucking-smashed-that-you-don't-remember-where-you-live, when I bumped into a familiar hard chest.

"Oof! I'm so-.....Bree?" He stared at me as if I was a creature instead of his ex...or maybe that's how people stared at their exes. I wouldn't know.

"B...Brayton? H..hi." I closed my eyes for a brief moment in mortification as I thought about how much I must look like a bumbling idiot.

He smiled that gorgeous smile, & I felt one of wounds bust open again. God, he looked magnificent tonight.

"How have you been? It's been like...a year, right? Man, you look lovely. I forgot how much I missed you!" He chuckled, & his dimples winked at me as he pulled me into his warm embrace.

My throat instantly tightend, & I prayed I wouldn't have an anxiety attack. Not here. Not in his arms.

I sucked up all the confidence I had, "I've been good. & yes, it's been over a year. How are you?" I felt myself blinking too much. Fighting back tears infront of my ex. Terrific. I pretended it was my hair bothering me & I swiped my bangs from my eyes.

"I've been pretty good myself," He smiled, & to my surprise, wrapped his fingers around my wrist & brought it to his face. My breathing stopped all together.

"I see you're still sporting that tattoo of your's. It's totally you, Bree." No. No it isn't. I have plenty of fears.

"Yeaaaah, well, you know me. Just, fearless." I had grimaced more than smiled.

"Yeah, I do. Hey, since we're here, how about you let me buy you a drink? We can catch up & talk about how well I know you." He dared flashed that heart-stopping smile at me again, & I followed him into the poorly lit bar.

So, that's how we ended up sitting there, talking about the good times. My heart was bleeding on the table by the time he showed me a photo of him & his current girlfriend. That was the icing on the cake.

"Hey, Brayton, it's getting kinda late & tequila & vodka are catching up with me so, um, I'm going to walk back home." I knew I was slurring my words & that I was in no condition to walk home, but, I needed to get out there. I needed to die, right there & then.

"Oh, Bree. Please, let me take care of you & drive you home, yeah?" He sat up from the stool, stumbling a bit. He was as drunk as I was.

"No, no, no. I'm fine, like, really. Just, just, just call a cab & I'll drive your car to your house tomorrow. I only live a block from here." I couldn't fucking believe I had said that. I was smashed for sure.

"Really? Awe, you're such a sweetheart. You were so good for me." He smiled sloppily & gave me a small peck on my forehead. My skin had bursted into flames. Tears already started flowing down my cheeks.

"Yeah, yeah. See you." I ran as fast as my drunken feet could take me down the block. The icy New York air stung my cheeks & a practically slammed into the door of my apartment building. I ran through the silent lobby, trying & failing at being quiet.

& so, here I am, sitting on the floor of my apartment, scissors in hand, ready to give up on everything. Even on him.

Guess he's just going to have to come & get his car.

Taking a deep breath, I pressed the sharp point of the scissors & quickly sliced down my arm, relishing in the pain.

This isn't fast enough. I'll be here for hours until I die. It needs to be quick.

I got up, holding my bleeding arm & running out my door, taking the stairs up & up.

I'm going to explode. This needs to end, now.

I finally made it, though. & I almost cried.

I sucked in the air, filling my lungs in every corner. It was all going to be over. There were no more fears. I was going to feel nothing.

I want it so badly to happen now.

I wobbled over to the ledge of the roof, looking at the busy streets of New York below me. It was so breathtakingly beautiful. It looked as if right from a postcard. It almost made me think about calling for help.


I took a last good look at my arm, & to my surprise, I had cut right through the middle of my tattoo, now it read 'fear' & 'less'.

I guess I'm picking less.

& as I fell & let the night swallow me whole, for the first time

I felt fearless.

Submitted: August 02, 2010

© Copyright 2022 prettyreckless. All rights reserved.


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Add Your Comments:



Oh crap...that's all I have to say I'm a bit speachless at the moment.

Tue, August 3rd, 2010 11:01am


Aweeeee! :D I feel fantabulous now! I'm glad you liked it! it took a whole day to get the plot down & then write it on paper, then post it up (:

Tue, August 3rd, 2010 5:02am


Wow, that was great. But so sad. I loveed it!

Tue, August 3rd, 2010 7:05pm


Thanks alot! :D

Tue, August 3rd, 2010 12:21pm


This was amazing! I loved it but it was way too sad. *Sniff* Sniff*

Thu, August 19th, 2010 12:08am


Yeah, I wrote it during a tough time. Thank you for reading (:

Thu, August 19th, 2010 6:32am


That was amazing... I kept thinking he would come and save her, like beg her back or something.
So sad, made my heart pound.... - Abbie xx

Mon, August 30th, 2010 6:51am


GAH! Thank you! And it is sad, I wrote this from the heart. My writing will always reflect what I feel! Love ya!

Mon, August 30th, 2010 9:06am


That was amazing! :) I love your idea to put a picture up and give it a story. The ending was marvelous.

Constructive critism: You write And/ & too much. You don't want to repeat the same word too much. So, just becareful with that! I was reading some of your other stories and noticed you did that too.

Did I mean mention that I especially love the last line. I love how all your lines flow so beautifully together.

Sun, September 26th, 2010 8:01am


*tears of joy* You just made a talkative person shut up :D Wow, that has to be one of my best comments to far. THANK YOU TIMES A KAJILLION AND 2! I love you (:


Mon, September 27th, 2010 12:16pm

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