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There’s a light drizzle as I’m making my way towards college. Slowly. Still nursing that headache. What’s happened to me? I’ve never been the person to get completely wasted and end up waking up in places I don’t remember being in. What’s happened to me?

Josh still hasn’t answered my calls or messaged me back. He hasn’t used me. I keep telling myself that even if I partly know it’s not true.


I push the doors open and I’m in. First day in college...

To new beginnings...

I wonder if I’ll see Josh today...

Stop! Jesus, stop! I can’t stop thinking about him. Have been looking forward to this for the past week...

There he is! I see him sitting in one of the settees provided in the main lounge. Surrounded by his friends, he looks totally at ease. Could I talk to him? I guess I wouldn’t make too much of a fool of myself if I did come up.  Even if he doesn’t remember me he probably won’t even realise I’m there – he’s so engaged in his conversation with Kay. He’s laughing. I want to laugh too. Kay always makes him laugh...What will I say to him? What should I? What would it make most sense for me to say? Hi? Hey you? Hi? Bye?

“Hey,” I say without even realising I’m speaking and the laughter stops momentarily as five empty expressions face my way.

No one says anything so I just sit down, not sure what I’m doing. What am I doing? What the hell is it that I’m up to?

“Alright, babe?” Okay, so he remembers me. Good so far, good so far.

“Yeh...I mean yeh, totally.”

Ugh, what was that? That wasn’t chilled out! That was tense and uncomfortable all the way! Bloody hell!


“Do I know you then, babe?”

Fuck!! The dreaded question! What to say? What to say? What can I say?

Erm, yes, I’m the girl you fucked last week? No, that won’t do. That won’t do at all.

“Nancy. I think we’ve met. Jill’s friend?”

“Jill’s friend!” He shouts out. “Rings a bell, rings a bell. I’ve definitely heard of Jill so that’s a starter.”

His friends snort, amused by the comment. I’m not. But I still laugh. Wouldn’t want to come across as the slow one.

“So you really don’t remember?”

“I said it rang a bell, that proves I remember something.”

I sit there, not knowing what to answer and the conversation continues but I’m not part of it. I’m just the awkward listener in the corner. They laugh, they talk, they laugh, the make some rude remarks, they laugh again. I’m not part of the cycle.


There’s a gush of wind as the doors swing open to let Jill and that new guy she’s been seeing in. The cycle is cut short. Josh is quiet. So is Kay and the other three individuals they’re with. Everything goes very tense and once again, after a short moment of relief, I feel I’m totally out of it.

Josh glares and for a second I am paranoid, scared that he might be glaring at me. Then I turn around and realise that Jill’s new guy is glaring too. Speaking of awkward. I’m sandwiched between two very unfriendly glares. Like when a storm is building up, there seems to be electricity in the air.

Then it’s gone the minute Jill’s guy leaves the lounge.

Whatever that was, I head to class, all alone.

This is not how imagined first day at college. 

Submitted: October 22, 2011

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