The Beginning Of The End, And Back Again (in progress)

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Science Fiction  |  House: Booksie Classic

Chapter 2 (v.1)

Submitted: April 08, 2012

Reads: 9

A A A | A A A

Submitted: April 08, 2012

A A A

A A A

Part II

 

 

I guess I thought you'd be here forever. 

Another illusion I chose to create.

 Don't know what you've got until it's gone. 

And I found out just a little too late. 

-Chicago

 

So maybe you were special,

 And maybe you were supposed to be the one,

 But then again,

 Maybe you were just like the rest of them,

Only you took my heart with you when you left.

-Unknown

 

I know that you didn't mean it and I know that you think saying sorry will make it better, but that's not how the world works.  It's an imperfect world and feelings just don't go away that fast.  Therefore, either you never really loved me or you're just hiding it because you're scared.  Well, let me tell you: hiding something will get you nowhere and lying sure as hell won't make you happy so go and cheat, and in the end, you will see your mistake and come back.  But you know what?  I won't be here –Unknown

 

I'm risking my relationship with you because you have a right to know, and I want to start clean, from now on I’m going on the straight and narrow, If you want to break up with me,  I might not want it, but I understand, and it's all up to you how you proceed.  I've been a total idiot lately, and you don't know the full story, I'm sorry Lucida, I can't tell you how bad I don't want to be telling you this, and how i wish i could take everything back.  I can be honest and feel less guilty knowing that I never really liked Jabulani, but that unfortunately doesn't take it all back.  There is a saying that curiosity killed the cat, and some retort with the quote that satisfaction brought it back, but I have a feeling that this time the cat cannot be brought back, he's been too much of a bad kitty.  I can honestly say I have enjoyed what little time I have been able to spend with you, but it saddens me to know how bad I screwed this relationship up, even if you miraculously decide not to break up with me, our relationship would still be tainted with distrust because of what happened.  I am asking for forgiveness at the very least, but you have all the reasons not to forgive me; you gave me your heart, and look how I foolishly tore it.  I wish i didn't have to tell you this but it's the right thing to do(well in all honesty, a few of my close friends laid the guilt trip and made me feel so bad that I want you to at least know the truth)I'm sorry, and I can understand if you never want to see me again; I can always stop going to my dad’s events, and I can tell my dad that I don't want to go to the party, but unfortunately that’ll put some more stress on the people setting up because I won't be there to help, but if it's what you wish, I owe it to you to oblige your wishes. I'm sorry I have to tell you all this, but I can't live with myself keeping this behind your back and pretending everything is fine when I’m with you. 

No, can’t say it like that; I’d sound more like the idiot I am,  and anyways,  it won’t make much sense to her at all…Can’t tell her how much I hate myself for this.  Well, at least this will be a 3-month anniversary she won’t forget; oh, who the hell am I kidding?  It’ll be a 3-month she wishes she never had.  Kevin argued with himself.

Kevin stared at the blinking cursor.  He pushed down the CTRL button on the keyboard, and at the same time pressed the ‘A’ button on the keyboard.  Making sure that the complete paragraph was highlighted, he hit ‘?Backspace’.

   Hmmm… maybe this might sound better he thought to himself.

Hey, how are you?  Been quite a while since I talked to you.  Instead of feeling like a few days, it has felt like forever and a half.  I need to tell you some things that you won’t like to hear at all, but I want you to know the truth.  I’m sorry that I have to tell you, but it’s the right thing to do.  I want to be the first to tell you, and you hate me for that, than to let someone tell you and have myself branded a coward, if that makes any bit of sense to you.  I owe the truth to the people that I care about.  After you hear it, you will most likely want to break up with me, but I’d totally deserve that, and you do deserve someone much better.  I can only hope that if you date someone else that that person can treat you better than I have.  I don’t want to tell you, and God knows you don’t want to hear this, but I need to put this to rest.  Lucida, it’s true I care a lot about you, but I don’t think I can be in a relationship with you in the meantime.  I might just need some time to reflect on what I’ve done.  I can only hope that we can at least be friends even after all that has happened. 

Kevin wiped away a tear on his sleeve before hitting send.  Two hours later, when he signed back in, he noticed that there was a reply from Lucida.  As guilt twisted his stomach into dozens of pretzels that tried to force their way up his throat, he clicked on the line.

Ok.  What did you do?  I will trust your judgment whatever it is and I also hope we can still be friends.

He sat there for a few minutes taking it all in.  At least she doesn’t outright say that she hates me now.  Well, of course she hasn’t, she doesn’t yet know.

Truth is I haven’t been very good to you lately.  It pains me to have to tell you, but I cheated.  But you can be sure as hell that I won’t anymore if you just give me one last chance.  I am so sorry Lucida.

I’m sorry too.  I honestly am.  However, I can’t give you another chance.  We can still be friends though.

Sigh…  I thought you would say something like that.  And I’m pretty sure we can’t be friends, you’re just lying, and we both know it.

Sorry I was such a nice person, and then I turned out to be yet another asshole.  I don’t know if we can be friends, every time I look at you I’ll feel so bad.  I’m sorry I had to tell you this Lucida.

I think I get it.  Well, I’m at least trying to.  You have no idea how much it means to me that you did tell me yourself though.  It was the right thing to do. 

Maybe it was the right thing to go ahead and tell you, thought Kevin, but it wasn’t the right thing for it to happen in the first place.  Is it really that hard for you to tell me how horrible a person I am?  Not even a single insult?

Why don’t you go out with Jeremy?  I mean, you did tell me you liked him at one point.  Anyways, you deserve a person like him.  Hell, I am not going to lie, anyone is better than I turned out to be. 

Oh.  Ok.  I don’t know, maybe. 

I don’t care who it is, or even if you decide not to date anyone.  I just want you to be happy.

Well what you did was unacceptable and maybe you are right, maybe we can’t even be friends for a while.  And don’t you think I deserve to know what happened?  I hope you know that you betrayed my trust when you cheated on me and I don’t know if you can ever have it back.  I feel like everything was a lie, as if none of it was real.  And part of me wants that not to be true, but I can never really know, can i?  The last thing I want you to know is that surprisingly, I’m not hurt, nor upset.  I am just pissed as hell that all of this turned out so crappy. 

Ouch…  Betrayed your trust?  I fucking told you the goddamn truth even though I knew it would come to this.  I took a huge risk telling you.  I very easily could’ve kept it from you, and pray that you’d never find out.  And it wasn’t ever a lie; I can’t lie to you, do you not see that?  In the end, that’s why I told you.

You deserve to know you say.  I fucked up, end of the goddamn story.  Seems like everyone easily put that together or at least that’s what other people have told me.  Now, we can cry over spilled milk, or we can just go on.  And I know, you probably feel like giving me a big “Fuck you, Kevin!”, and dammit, if that’s how you feel, feel free to.  Get it all out of your system, anything you say can’t possibly make me feel worse.  Well, even though you don’t need my fucking invitation, consider this it.  I’d rather hear shit about me just from you and not everyone else, but I pretty much screwed the pooch, so to speak.  I’ve had my say, I’m over it now, so give me your worst, I dare you. 

You didn’t answer my question, and obviously, you fucked up big time.  And for a while, I did hate you for it.  But I don’t anymore because it is not worth crying over.  I don’t want to give you shit, but I want to know what happened.  All I care about is WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED?  I want to move on and have everything go away, but I know that can’t happen for a while.  But do me a favor; don’t be mad, upset, or hurt at the fundraiser.  It means a lot for numerous people, especially me.  I’ve been looking forward to it for a long time and I don’t want you to make me feel bad that night, ok?  Trust me, this isn’t my worst, not by a long shot pal, but I won’t give you any more shit unless you don’t tell me what happened because like hell I deserve to know. 

Maybe if I refuse to tell her, she’ll finally say something degrading.  God knows I’d deserve it.  Why the hell won’t she even call me a slut or a man-whore at the very least?  Kevin thought to himself.

Fine.  The fundraiser.  I’ll try not to screw it up the way I’ve ruined everything else.  And DAMMIT don’t you understand?  I DON’T want to talk about it.  Right, you won’t feel bad about the party, but I can’t speak for myself.  Lucida, can’t you see?  It doesn’t matter who I hate, who I care for, whom I cry over, I just want everything behind me.  I don’t give a damn about my reputation; it’s already pretty shitty.  You say you will not give me shit?  Well, fuck it, I’m not quite ready to tell you what happened, maybe never will.  So try everything, it won’t work.  I’m sorry it had to come to this, but sometimes people just want to shut the rest of the world out, even those they care about most.  I can’t tell you how bad I feel. 

Maybe now she’ll finally tell me how horrid I am Kevin told himself

With a dejected face, Kevin went over to his desk, and pulled out a black binder.  Reverently, he opened it, took out a piece of paper, and started writing:

I know everyone thinks me just a fool, I must admit I’m the farthest thing from cool.  The sun shines upon me from behind, Storm clouds advance as if on rewind.  You’re much more than I deserve, but please don’t treat me like a drag; I’m already just another drifting plastic bag.  You say I used to make you laugh and smile, But now it’s as if I’ve hit a wrong dial.  Deciding just where to start is tough, but I’m scared to make amends, scared you’ll say I’ve done more than enough.  The words used to just flow, but now it’s like you and I have to force a conversation to grow.  I know you won’t believe it when I tell you it wasn’t a sham, I’ll be honest, you just happened to see the worst, deep-down part of who I am.  As I reflect on the lessons learned, even after seeing your reply, for you I’ve still yearned.  You’ve told me everything will be okay; I don’t believe that for a second, so for a while I’ll be keeping people at bay.  I know you say I need to regain your trust and all, But this might’ve been the hardest fall.  I might say I wish I’d never met you, Truth be told, I’m lying, that isn’t at all true.  I keep stealing short glances, Keep trying to change my heart’s stances, I know it’s silly to hang on to this childish dream,  But I need to believe whatever keeps the tears from starting to again stream.  And now I’m starting to fret, for now it’s apparent the sun truly is beginning to set.  I should smile, for a new day is just over the horizon, on its way coming.  I think it’ll be a while until on my guitar I’ll be finished sorrowfully strumming.  To be honest, I wish we could be more than friends, But I guess this is where everything ends.

By the time Kevin had put his poem away, Lucida had already replied.  With a heavy sigh, he clicked on the unread message.

I DON’T care.  You know that I deserve to know what happened.  I only need the answer to this simple question.

I know you deserve the truth, agreed Kevin.  But I don’t want you to get hurt worse by what I have to say. 

Well, I was planning on staying and helping my aunt babysit this Saturday, instead of going to the fundraiser, buuuttt….  Looks like I am stuck going…  Lucida, please don’t do this to me; I want to forget the last couple of weeks, act as if it never happened, okay?  There is more than you going on in my life right now; stuff that doesn’t involve you, all I can say is I screwed stuff up.  Lucida, just forget it, there is no use reopening old wounds, so to speak.  I’m trying to get over you, but you aren’t helping me by pestering me to tell you everything.  I’m sorry that I have to put it that way, but there’s no other way to say that.

If you want to get over me, then do it…  I’m already over you and not everything that goes on in the world that’s bad affects only you Kevin…  Sorry, but you need to be stronger.  The fundraiser will run its course, however fate chooses.

Do you honestly think we can still be friends at the very least?  I mean, do you really think that’s actually possible?

Whom am I kidding?  Of course, she will still hate me…  Sure, she’ll still be best of friends with the ‘jackass heartbreaker’ as that other bitch called me.  C’mon, you’ve held onto a ton of stupid false dreams, but this has to be the most obtuse and thickheaded yet Kevin chastised himself.

Call me a fool for thinking so, but yes.  Maybe in about six months or so, but yes I do.  However, maybe not if you refuse to tell me what the hell is going on.  By the way, Martha sat us at the same table with Roy and the two from that other organization.

Dammit, why would Martha do that?  Well, can’t blame her for seating us together, she doesn’t know a single thing and how shitty that is bound to make me feel, contemplated Kevin.

Lucida, all right, what exactly do you want me to say?  None of it will make you feel any better…

What I want you to tell me is what exactly went on.  Tonight is special; let’s not ruin it for each other, agreed?

It’s already going to be ruined for me, and I have no one but myself to blame, Lucida, countered Kevin to himself.

Hell, you can ruin it for me…  I promised you I wouldn’t ruin it for you, and nor would I want to…  I’ve ruined enough.  I just want to be able to talk, not trying to hide from you, and vice versa.  Not like I was while we were setting up earlier.  I can’t run away forever, even if I just still want to be able to be one of your friends.  Lucida, try not to avoid me?  Try not to make me feel too crappy either?

This might be random, and none of my business, but exactly how much do your parents know?  I’m just wondering because I’m tired of trying to avoid them too.  Well, I better let you go get ready for the fundraiser, I’m sure you’ll look amazing, and I’ll look, well like me I guess. 

And I’ve been told I look pretty damn ugly, so I probably shouldn’t even trying to make myself look better Kevin scolded himself.

After sending that email, Kevin opened his desk drawer, pulled out a chain with a key on it, and walked over to his dresser.  He kneeled in front of the dresser, murmuring something.  He reached under the dresser and pulled out a box.  He grabbed the key hanging from the end of the chain and inserted it into the keyhole, and then he walked back to his desk, opened a black binder, and removed some papers.  Taking them with him, he returned to the box, took out a journal, and placed the papers inside, relocking it before hiding it under the dresser again.  He went back to his desk and pulled out a pen, then opened the book, and started to write.

Huge fundraiser later this evening.  Buried Bijou in the backyard this morning.  The little ones didn’t understand of course; they kept asking when the cat would wake up.

Well, she was there earlier during set-up, and of course, I felt so bad that I avoided her.  Casey Flemm knows I guess, and came over to me and whispered in my ear about how Lucida and I were not talking to each other.  That made me realize how much an ass I’ve been lately.  I wonder if Lucida noticed me looking at her and smiling.  I hope she didn’t take it the wrong way if she did, I was just thinking about all the fun we used to have.  Of course, I pretty much jumped down the two steps to get by her without stopping, not even to say a quick hi.  I really hope she didn’t see that one tear.  Nah probably didn’t; she was most likely trying not to even look at me.

Well, my parents don’t know very much… by the way, I never planned to avoid you…  I had a lot of tonight.

Had a lot of what tonight?  Can’t ask, because she might assume I’m just trying to criticize her, and our ‘friendship’ is already strained as it is.  I hope they don’t know everything, I mean our parents already aren’t exactly chummy as it is…  I assume she meant fun, but with me there, how can I be so sure, wondered Kevin.

Before replying, he once again took out his journal and started writing where he had left off earlier. 

1AM and too happy to sleep right now.  Before I left, I checked my email, and she’d said not to ruin this evening for her, but I was thinking about how I wouldn’t have much fun with her there, and vice-versa.  All that worrying for nothing though.  First, Brent Scutallio had me selling tickets along with Lucida.  Then I didn’t want to be in a picture next to Lucida, but I did…  I don’t know how to explain it any better than that.  Then I had to get a ‘free drink’ coupon from my bag for my dad, and I noticed whose bag was in the seat next to mine, yupp(yeah, I know that’s what she used to say, I just feel like hanging on to whatever scraps I can), the bag was Lucida’s.  Then dinner was pretty good, she ended up sitting across the table from me, so I tried watching the slideshow going on, but of course, there were some really beautiful pictures of her, especially from the Holiday Party, and that made me feel bad again.  Then I started to worry about somehow ruining her night, so then I tried to instead think about how much fun it used to be with her.  I was finally able to do something that I’ve wanted to, act as if nothing happened, even if it was for just this one night.  Lucida and I sat outside for a while, then we started walking around  She started walking on the curb, and I was getting a little worried that she might overbalance and fall, so I kind of walked closer to her, you know, just in case she fell I’d be able to catch her.  Blackfoot (her feet were getting pretty dirty because she’d taken off her heels since her feet were starting to hurt during dinner) continued walking, and I brought up the taboo subject only because I didn’t want to walk in silence.  I ended up going to Mrs.  Jill Austin’s with Casey and her friend Zhuzua to help put stuff away, and didn’t get home until around 1AM.  I can only hope Lucida and I can remain friends at the very least.

They know we broke up, I guess that’s enough.  I want to apologize about my behavior during setup yesterday…  I kind of had seen your mom, and wasn’t expecting you since she was already there.  I guess you caught me off guard is what I’m trying to say.  I guess it was fun yesterday J  I’m glad I went.  I was just wondering, but were you really planning on sitting next to me during dinner?  My dad thought I shouldn’t have the “1 Free Drink” ticket, so he sent me to get mine out of my bag, and I sort of noticed your bag was in the seat next to mine.  Any reason why you put it there, assuming it was you who put your bag there of course…  Not that I’m complaining or anything…  Haha I just realized you’re probably still sleeping :P I didn’t get back home till around 1AM (and yes, I know, I’m already up, and it’s only like 7:05).  I just want to thank you for such a wonderful evening. 

And for not making me feel worse about myself.  As if being asked if we were actually siblings by that guy sitting next to us didn’t make me feel uncomfortable.  Or when Zay accused me of liking you wasn’t bad enough.  Of course the only thing I could do was deny it; I wasn’t about to explain our little ‘situation’I guess it was okay walking with you outside, being worried that you’d fall off the curb, or step on something sharp.  At least I was able to do something I’ve wanted to do for a while; I was able to act as if nothing happened, even if it was just for the night.  I don’t really know why I opened up a little to you last night but I guess I’m glad I did, verbalized Kevin to no one in particular.

No particular reason...  Haha yeah, it was a lot of fun.  J Haha already 9:45 and I just got up.

Well, I’m glad we are talking again.  Well, I’m sorry for being such an ass lately…  I said some things I shouldn’t have said, and I feel bad about it.  And yes, I’m still going to Totenham Point next year.  I hope it’ll be a better year.  Anyways, I know you don’t believe it, but if you ever have the need to spill your guts to someone, you really can trust me.  Well, talk to you sometime, I guess.

Well I said a bunch of things I shouldn’t have either and right now, I’m sorry but I’m uneasy about the trust thing. . .

 

But at least you had a rational reason, you were pissed at me, and rightfully so.  There’s a saying, Never regret something you once said, it was what you were feeling at the time.  And I knew you would say that, but I just want you to know that if you ever need someone who will listen and not think worse of you, that I am always there.

I hate to ruin our happy friendship mood, but what happened with you and Jabulani Kelelmsaytr?

Sigh…  I knew she would ask eventually…  Damn, was she just pretending to be friendly just so I’d feel more comfortable telling her?  Even if that were the case, she’d never admit to it.  No, stop thinking like that Kevin, you know she isn’t like Vicky he thought to himself.

I knew you’d ask sooner or later.  So you want to know what went on.  Lucida, think, do you really want to know?

Yea.  I Really do.

Short and quick to the point…

A few kisses, couple of hugs…  Is that enough of an answer for you?

I guess . . .  as in 2 or 10?  And I’m assuming after school in the library?

You’re going to hate me for being honest, but about six maybe… and you’re right about that last part.

As I’ve said before, I don’t hate you…  When did it start happening?

Around a month and a half or so…

Of us going out?  So around the end of October?

Around October/November period.

Oh, ok.  Thanks for telling me.  And I still don’t hate you. 

So you say…  Kevin thought belligerently.

I owe it to you.  As you keep reminding me, you deserve to know.

Yeah, you do.  However, I’m glad we are okay now.

Lucida, I wasn’t exactly telling you everything earlier.  I don’t think you want to know though…  I just can’t stand keeping things from you, especially when you’ve specifically asked me.

You have no idea how much that means to me, Kevin, thank you for telling me.  So what is it?

Yeah, I bet it means a whole lot to you, especially after I’ve already shredded your heart as it is Kevin viciously thought to himself.

I don’t know why I’m even telling you, I mean I could totally not say anything and not risk making everything worse, but no, I can’t do that without feeling worse, and I don’t know why, but even after all that’s happened, I still can’t lie to you…  Okay…  Here goes…  It was a little more than hug and kisses…  You’re a very bright girl, I think saying it like this will allow you to infer what I mean. 

Well, there could be a lot of things that could be ‘more than hugs and kisses’…  I’m sorry to pry more because I know how much it must hurt but please be a little more specific.

Ok. . .  Let’s leave it as she was a kind of ‘touchy’ person….  And no, I wasn’t as much as you would assume.

Oh.  Ok.  I think I get what you mean now.

I hope so.  I wouldn’t feel very comfortable telling you exactly, and it’s bad enough telling you as it is; it’s not you, it’s me…  I promise you though I never went down there.  I know you don’t trust me, but I hope you’ll at least trust me with this because it’s the truth, I swear.

I know this sounds really weird, but if it doesn’t hurt too bad, or is too weird for you to tell me, what really happened there?

I don’t want to make you feel worse, or be grossed out…  But if you’re absolutely positive that you want me to tell you…  Lucida, if I do tell you, I don’t want it getting around, I’ve already heard some rumors about me and bj’s which is not true at all.  My guess is that someone was pissed it got out and started to spread lies just to put me into a darker light… but that’s beside the point…  You really sure you want to know?

Yea, I am sure.  Because I want to know the truth firsthand.

Firsthand?  What the hell does that mean wondered Kevin.

Ok…  Don’t judge too harshly?  We were making out, and she started putting her hand down my pants, and I don’t know why, but then I put my hand down her shirt but that’s the farthest we went.  Lucida I’m so sorry; I wasn’t thinking at the time, I was a fucking horny bastard; I’ll admit it.  I’m not telling you this just to make you feel worse, or to try to get you to hate me, but solely because you asked and you deserve to know.  I’m so sorry.  Will you ever be able to forgive me?  I don’t deserve your friendship after all this.

Well, to be quite honest, you do, but barely…  I do forgive you, and I’m glad you told me, but I wish you’d told me sooner…  You are a good person though, and maybe next year we can get over all of it and be friends again.

You said I ‘barely’ deserve to be your friend, what’s the reason for barely?  I mean, why at all?  I hope I’m making sense.

You are.  What you did was terrible, but that doesn’t necessarily make you a horrible person.  If I were in your spot, I would want, would need you to still be my friend and to understand that I won’t be like that anymore…  Does that make sense?

Yes, that’s perfectly true…

Does Jabulani know that I know what happened?

Well, yeah, of course…  She knows I told you about the two of us, but I don’t think she knows I pretty much told you everything though…

Oh ok… and I don’t want to make things weird, but she always knew we were together, right?

Lucida, I don’t give a shit if it’s weird, if you want to know, feel free to ask just about anything about it…  You deserve to know, and yes, she knew from the very beginning.

Hey, I was at Sunset Valley with my friend earlier, and I was just wondering if you were there around two?  I thought I saw you but then it turns out it was just some random kid, but we are not completely sure if it was you or not…

Is she joking or something?  You find out it’s some random kid, but still think it might’ve been me?  Interesting…  Kevin thought.  I was there around that time though…

Wasn’t me.

Ok well did you see me in a blue/grey striped shirt and Carolyn a long auburn haired girl with a purple and black beanie…?

Very possible I might’ve seen you.  There is a chance that it was someone else similarly dressed…  Very slight chance, but still… considered Kevin.

Nah, I saw two people walking towards me earlier, but I don’t think it was you and your friend.

Oh, ok never mind then.

But what if it had been me?  I’m not sure you’d want to talk to me, but I’m sure your friend wouldn’t, and if she did, I don’t think we’d have a pleasant conversation to say the least.

I would have said hi, and then left because I had other things to do….  But she said, “I don’t want to talk to him.  If I do, you and he will regret me opening my fat mouth.”  Therefore, I guess I’m somewhat glad it wasn’t you. 

So am I Kevin agreed.

Wouldn’t of really mattered, to be honest I might have seen you, but I didn’t even wait to check, I guess you could say I’m still avoiding you in a sense.  Anyways, I was listening to music and typing up some stuff up at Sunset Valley around that time… all I can say is I’m glad it wasn’t you. 

Hey, what was up with Jackie’s status?  And don’t you dare tell me ‘I don’t know’

Which one?  There are a lot of them…

The one that says ‘And I swear, one day you will regret letting go…  One day you will look back and tell yourself ‘damn that girl really loved me’.  The one you liked…

I thought you would ask when you saw it.  To me it was saying that I’d regret what I did, letting you slip away, I’d look back and tell myself how much I was for hurting someone that really did care about me thought Kevin. 

It just meant something to me, ok?  Does it really matter?  I didn’t realize I had to ask you for permission to like something Kevin replied, letting go of his anger. 

You don’t I was just wondering.  God, just take a chill pill. 

By the way, even if you were curious, why did you feel you had to ask?  JUST WONDERING.

Because it was about a girl loving a guy and feeling sorry for breaking up with him…  I didn’t know if you were implying anything.

Oh, no, I read it from a different point of view…  No way would I try to imply that…  I may have fucked up, I may have been an asshole, I might be an idiot, but even I know when not to believe false hope and dreams…

Or at least I should Kevin self-confessed.

Ok that’s fine. 

Lucida, if you don’t want me to talk to you anymore, don’t hesitate to tell me.  I don’t want to be a bother to you.  I just need you to tell me to stop talking to you if that’s what you want.  I know it probably won’t mean much to you, but thanks for being such a good friend.

It actually does mean something.  I guess i just need some time to finish the school year, so maybe over summer we can talk again.  I don’t know what, but something came over me and I feel…  I don’t know what it is; it's just not the same anymore. 

Lucida, I’m not as stupid as people think I am.  You do know; it’s because of what I did to you.  I’m just glad we’re still friends.  Maybe a somewhat strained friendship, but better than nothing, or am I wrong?

Yupp.  Mostly friends.  And please don’t ask what that means.  It’s not as much as you, but I’ve been going through a lot of other stuff lately.

That’s most likely pretty much total bullshit…but I’m not going to argue… not now…But what does she mean by ‘mostly’ friends?

You know I want to ask, but I’ll have to respect your wishes…  And Lucida, you aren’t the only one, I’ve been in a real pissy mood lately, and it doesn’t all have to do with you.  I’ve been going back and forth between angry with people and the next I’m myself again, or worse, I push people that want to help away…  Anyways, best of luck, and remember, you are never truly alone.

I know.  Thanks.

Hey, I know you hate it when I bother you, and it does me no great justice either, but I just had a favor to ask of you: When you see Jabulani again, tell her that A.  I don’t appreciate something she yelled when I was going to the library just to help my dad out by picking up books for the weekend…And to tell you how pissed I was, I felt like asking my dad to flip her off for me, and then when someone else heard about it… anyways, A.  That I’m really pissed with her, so I had better not hear from her again, and B.  She’d better not make next year a pain if she goes to Totenham Point, because believe me, I have certain things I can get back at her.  And oh yeah, I’d like to ask you to bitchslap that MotherFer, but I don’t want you to stoop down to my level, and I don’t even want to think of you as anything but the understanding and great girl I once dated before I horribly screwed things up.  Anyways, I will be glad if that this didn’t just go straight to your Junk Mail, or you delete it without even opening it, but I can’t exactly stop you, can I?  Maybe talk to you in person again sometime, maybe actually be able to hold a conversation where I won’t be remembering how good things used to be, as I was at the fundraiser.  And maybe I’m reaching here, but possibly even being friends again…  Who knows, the future is not for us to see…  Have an outstanding summer, Lucida, hope it’s the best yet, and if you are going out with someone, I just pray they won’t ever hurt you the way I did.  Your Once Great Friend, Kevin

I hear Jabulani has a new boyfriend as of today…  He is really nice so I hope she doesn’t; let’s just leave it at this: she'd better not ruin it.  And trust me, I would love to bitchslap that whore, but I don’t need to be banned from the upcoming fieldtrip, but I will be glad to tell her those things for you.  Exceedingly unfortunate for us, she is like 189 out of 280 but still I think she committed to Totenham.  And my great friend Minnie is really popular and is practically trying to ruin her life, which I guess is mean, but I don’t care anymore.  So yeah, and who knows, maybe on the last day of school I’ll just lose it once and for all and practically rip Jabulani’s hair out…We will have to wait and see…  I should ask Amara Tequilla how she kicked that one girl’s ass at Coconut Vineyard Middle School…  I know she yanked her hair out and that was an epic video but I don’t know.  Summer, summer will be different and I’m looking forward to it.  And as for high school, I just want a fresh start with my friends, and well other things are irrelevant.

I would like a fresh start more than anything too…  I shouldn’t have said anything to you, look where I turned your thoughts… violence and hatred.  Lucida, you will never know how bad I feel.  I could never bring myself to tell you everything, telling you about Jabulani was bad enough, and I don’t want to tell you the rest not because I’m afraid of what you’d think of me, but because I know it’d hurt you much worse, and that’s the last thing I’d want to do…  Kevin admitted to himself.


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