It’s three A.M. and I’m still awake. I can’t sleep. My brain is so overloaded. I stare over to the clock and it reads 3:04. I close my eyes and try to clear my head. I take a deep breath and slowly let it out. I start to cry. I feel so alone right now. I miss him.
I can’t understand why this hurts so much. I was devastated when Thomas left but that was nothing compared to this. I’d give anything for a drink right now.
I curl up into a ball and hug my knees. I wish he was here. I wish he had his arms around me and was holding my tightly. I wish my body was pressed up against his. I miss feeling his warm breath of the back of my neck and his arm tightly pressed underneath my chest. I miss how he’d put his hand over mine and we’d intertwine our fingers.
I can’t get the tears to stop. This bed feels so empty without him. It reminds of when I was married to Thomas. I always slept alone and I hated it.
I sit up in bed and again look over to the clock. It’s three-thirty. I’m never going to get to sleep. I get out of bed and walk across the hall to Teddie’s room. She decided to stay here tonight. I walk into her room and over to her bed. I crawl into bed with her and cuddle up next to her. She lets out a tired moan and shifts a little.
“Mom?” She asks.
“Do you care if I sleep in here with you?”
“I don’t care.” She says and I wrap my arm around her. I know that I’m the one who’s supposed to be strong for her but I don’t feel like I’m leaning on her. I just can’t take being alone. “Does this have to do with Richard?” She asks.
“Teddie, I’m fine.”
“Bull shit.” She says. “The last time you crawled into bed with me it was because Thomas left you.” I forgot about that. I used to get into bed with her all the time after he left. When we were married I managed to sleep alone but after he left and I had to face the reality of him really being gone, I couldn’t sleep in that bed alone.
“I just miss him.”
“Then why aren’t you with him?” She asks.
“I just can’t.” I say.
“Life is too short to stay holding on to the regrets from the past.” She says. “Don’t throw away your happiness because you can’t let go.” Even though my daughter is half asleep, she gives good advice. She has a really good point. I am throwing away my chance at happiness. Why do I always do that?
“He doesn’t want to be with someone like me.” I say.
“You’re wrong.” She says. “He wants to be with you and only you.” How does she know that? I don’t want to put him through all of my shit. He deserves so much more than me. I know that he’s going to find some girl who will make him happier than I ever could have, someone who isn’t an alcoholic and is normal and has their life figured out.
We pause for a long time. I think she fell back asleep. I just hold onto her and try to keep myself from crying again. Richard and I can’t be together. Maybe if I had met him instead of Thomas it would’ve worked but that’s not what happened.
I know they say it’s better to have loved and lost then to have never loved at all but I disagree. I would’ve rather never loved. It’s less painful.
“I think you should get him back.” Teddie says and it kind of startles me. I really thought she was asleep. She flips around and faces me. “He makes you happy. Before he came around I forgot what your smile even looked like.” She says. “For the first time in a long time I got to see you without the I’m-so-happy mask. You didn’t wear it anymore because you were actually happy. For once when I looked into your eyes, I didn’t see sadness and regret, like I do now.” I put my hand on the side of her face.
“Who made you so smart?” I ask and she smiles.
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