"Dammit!" I heard mom exclaim from the other room. I heard footsteps approaching, coming closer and closer. I quickly laid the knife back down on the island in time for mom to pop her head in through the entry way.
"Honey, i'm going to have to run to the store real quick. We're out of laundry detergent and I really have to get this done," she said. She quickly walked over to the door and slipped on her shoes and her jacket.
"Do you think you could finish up with the spaghetti?" she asked me, opening the door.
"Thank you. I'll be back soon," she said and walked outside.
Soon? The closest store is a half hour away. Whatever. She says she'll make me my favorite dinner because i'm in a bad mood and i'm the one having to cook it. Great. I turned around and looked at the boiling water behind me, then at the stiff noodles laying there, beside the stove. Then i switched my glance over to the peppers mom usually cuts up for the home made sauce. Which reminds me..
I clenched the black handle of the steak knife knife, picking it up. I studied it. The edges so smooth; the tip so razor sharp. The rough, jagged edges lured me in more and more by the second. Each and every point on the blade gave me a reason to end my life right this second. I could list all of them, but it would take way too long. And it really doesn't matter does it? No one would care to hear about my problems.
I brought the knife over to the sink and turned on the faucet. I washed the knife again, making sure there was nothing on it. After i was done, i turned off the water and quickly dried the knife with a paper towel. I ran a hand lightly down the edge of the knife. It was so sharp. So tempting. I walked back over to the island..
I turned my hand over so that my palm was facing upward and rested it on the island. I readied the knife against my wrist. I lined it up so that the blade was straight forward, making sure it was in direct contact with my artery.
The blade felt cold and slick against my skin. Come on, Justin. You can do this. You have to do this. You WANT to do this. I'm sure Nina would be better off without me anyways. She's already left me. I broker her heart. Now she'll be sure that i'll never do it again.
I took a deep breath and pressed the tip of the knife into my vein. My wrist immediately started burning and i cringed in pain. I bit my tongue to keep from screaming and continued to cut deeper and longer along my wrist. My hand started to feel numb and tingly due to blood loss, causing my to ignore some of the pain. Blood oozed out onto my wrist and the knife, red droplets of body fluid dripped onto the counter. I grunted from the pain and continued to cut. I began to feel light headed and dizzy. I pressed the knife harder into my wrist. More and more blood dripped onto the counter and i fell to my knees, half my body numb now. I dropped the knife to the floor and held onto my wrist. I watched as more blood escaped my body effortlessly. The only thing that was going through my mind all this time was Nina. God, i love her. I fucked up so bad. She's my world. It's good i'm ending this, me, now. I would have died without her anyways.
I started to feel even more light headed and before i knew it, i was unconscious.
I laid face down on my bed with the lights in my room dim. In the background, My Immortal by Evanescence was playing softly and tears streaked down my cheeks. I looked up at the white roses i had on my dresser. All the dead ones, petals falling off; the new one perfectly white.
Damn my life sucks right now. I just lost my best friend of fourteen years to his bitchy girlfriend who just uses him for sex. Why would he do that to me? Seriously? He tells me he loves me literally a few hours earlier, then he chooses her over me. I sighed and let a few more tears fall.
I feel like everything he told me was a lie.
How he told me he loved me.
I feel like when he wasn't with Selena, he wanted to feel loved. So he pretended to love me. You know, make me fal for him so i would give him all of me. Or maybe i'm just going crazy. I don't know.
All of a sudden, my bedroom door bursts open. I looked over to see Mom standing there in my doorway.
"Nina, i need to talk to you," she said looking concerned.
"What is it?" i said sitting up and wiping my tears.
"Honey, what's wrong?" she asked me, sitting down on my bed. She rubbed my back a few times.
"Nothing," i told her. "What did you need to tell me?"
She sighed and looked down at her lap.
"Honey.. i don't know how to tell you this.."
"Just tell me," i sniffled.
She sighed and finally told me.
"Justin's in the hospital."
I looked up at her, "What?"
"Why? What happened? Is he okay?" i asked her. Why is Justin in the hospital? What the hell happened?
Mom shook her head, i'm guessing as a reply to my last question i asked her.
"He.. he tried to commit suicide," she said.
I froze as more tears formed in my eyes. What? Suicide?
"What?" i asked, not believing anything she just said. Justin wasn't the type to consider suicide or even just think about the overall topic. He's the type to convince others out of suicide. Not commit it himself. What the hell happened?
"They don't know if he's going to live. He lost a lot of blood," she informed me.
I froze and let the tears fall freely. Mom rubbed my back again.
"I'll be in the car," she said and got up off my bed and walked out. I quickly got myself together, grabbed my purse and races out my door and down the stairs. I ran outside to my mom's car and got in. Immediately, she started up the car and pulled out or the driveway.
We sped down the highway, passed tons of cars until we finally got to the hospital. Mom quickly pulled into a parking spot and we hurriedly got out. We ran into the hospital and up to the front dest.
The lady standing there had shoulder length brown hair and thin glasses. She kinda reminded me of my third grade teacher.
"Hello, welcome to Mercy Hospital. How can i assist you?" she smiled.
"We're here to see Justin Bieber," mom told her. The lady behind the desk looked through some files behind her and pulled out a folder.
"Ahh, here it is," she said, pulling out a piece of paper from the folder. "Room 163," she told us.
"Thanks," mom said before we darted to the elevator. Then the thought hit me. This is all my fault. The reason he tried to commit suicide.. i bet it was because of me. Because i left him.. oh my god. I fucking hate myself. I deserve to be in the hospital from committing suicide. Not him.
As soon as we reached the floor, mom and i ran down the halls, looking at each and every number on each and every door. Soon enough, we found it.
Pattie was sitting outside of it in a chair, crying.
"Pattie?" Mom said, walking over to her. Pattie stood and hugged mom tightly. They both cried on each others shoulders. I walked over to them slowly, tears slowly streaming down my face.
"Oh, Nina!" Pattie said, pulling me into a hug next. I hugged her tight and let a few tears fall onto her shoulder.
"It means a lot that you came," she told me, pulling away. "Um.. you should probably go in there. The doctor said only one person at a time. I've been with him since we got here. He's sleeping right now, but i'm sure he'd like to see you when he wakes up," she said pulling me into another hug. "I'm sure he'd love for you to be the first person he sees when he wakes up," she told me.
I nodded and pulled out of her embrace. I walked over to his door and carefully stepped in, not wanting to make too much noise. Without looking at him, i sat down at a chair that was pulled up by the side of his bed. Finally, i looked up at him. The sight scared me. he was so pale. Too pale. His wrist was stained with blood, along with his other hand. His chest rose and fell slowly. I sighed and let more tears fall. This is all my fault. If i hadn't left him.. he wouldn't be here right now. I'm a monster.
I sat there for about twenty minutes crying my eyes out, blaming myself for this whole situation. Why does he feel the need to end his life because of our friendship. I couldn't have possibly meant so much to him if he'd chosen Selena over me.
Or maybe i had.
Maybe he really did love me..
God, now i feel even worse.
I bent over in my seat, resting my elbows on my knees and put my head in my hands. I sobbed and sobbed. Not only because i felt it was my falt, but also because i didn't understand any of this. Why would he go so far? Why the hell would he try to kill himself over this? He's so stupid sometimes.
A few minutes later, he finally moved. He turned his head so that he was looking straight up now and slowly opened his eyes, blinking a few times. I put my face back in my hands and let more tears fall. I suddenly felt his gaze on me, then. I didn't look up.
"Nina?" he asked. He sounded shocked. I didn't respond for a few seconds.
"You are such a fucking idiot, Justin," i told him through my tears. I heard him sigh. I then looked up at him. He looked back at me, looking miserable again.
"Come here," he told me. I moved my chair over closer to him. He brushed some hair out of my face and placed his hand on my cheek. I covered his hand with mine and let more tears fall.
"I'm so sorry," i sobbed desperately. He stroked my cheek. "I never should have left you," i told him.
He shook his head. "I don't blame you for running off. I would too if you chose Andrew over me."
"This is all my fault," i cried, hysterically.
He shook his head.
"No. I just.. i can't live without you Nina. I can't. I've told you before, you're my everything. I love you, Nina. I just.."
I looked into his eyes and he started trailing off. His hand fell from my cheek, back onto the bed beside him. I leaned in a pecked him passionately, then pulled away. He smiled small.
"So do you forgive me?" he asked me. I looked down at my lap and sighed.
"I don't know, Justin. You hurt me.. bad," i told him.
I watched his smile slowly fade and he sighed, "i know."
"But you know, that's no reason to try to end your life," i told him. He looked away from me.
"Why would you even think of doing something so stupid?" i asked him.
He sighed again. "I told you," he said, "I can't live without you. You're my best friend. My world. You meen everything to me Nina. I can't lose you."
Hearing him say that made my heart melt, then fall into my stomach. I knew it was my fault.
I grabbed Justin's hand and sighed.
"I don't know, Justin. I just think.." i sighed again. I don't know what to say. I don't want to say something that'll make him try to commit suicide again.
"I just think that we should.. try spending sometime away form each other for a while," i said, not meeting his eyes. I couldn't bear staring into them and seeing his desperate, depressed glare caused my me, myself, and i.
"I mean.. with Selena around.. You know we'll never get along. And she's always getting between us. She's always starting something. Wether it's with you or me. I just can't take dealing with her anymore. I told you it was either me or her, Justin. You chose Selena."
He looked down and i finally looked up. I saw a few tears falling down his face.
"I'm so sorry," he whispered, his voice cracking in the beginning. Hearing this make my heart break into a million pieces. I didn't want to leave him, but it's what's best for all of us right now.
"You're not going to leave me here, right now, are you?" he looked up at me hopelessly.
"Isn't Selena going to be coming? She can keep you company."
He shook his head.
"I'm not going to tell her. I don't want her to come. I want to spend some time with you while we can.." he said. I nodded. It was the least i could do. What kind of friend, or even ex-friend, would i be if i just left him here right now, in this condition. I will not do what he did to me last time i was in here. I know how it feels. I was miserable and i wasn't even feeling suicidal. I can't imagine how bad it'd affect him right now in this state of mind. I couldn't do it.
"Fine, i'll stay with you," i told him. I saw a small smile appear on his lips again.
"Could i ask for a favor?" he said.
"Can i have one more kiss?"
I sighed. One more kiss? As much as i wanted to, i couldn't. As much as i wanted to feel his soft lips against mine once more.. oh what the hell. I leaned in a second time, letting the remaining tears in my eyes fall, and pressed my lips to his again. This kiss lingered for a few extra seconds, filling my stomach with butterflies every second and repairing my broken heart little by little. Before i got too caught up in it, i pulled away. We both sighed.
"You look tired," i told him. He nodded.
"Go back to sleep," i said.
He sighed once again.
"Only if you cuddle with me."
"Please? One last time?" he begged.
I sighed one last time and slipped into bed beside him. He slung his arm around my waist and pulled me closer. I'm going to miss this feeling so much. This feeling of comfort, safety, love. I closer my eyes and leaned my head on his chest. I felt him kiss the top of my head once before we both finally fell into a, hopefully, peaceful slumber.
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