I was suddenly woken up by a tingly feeling in my right arm due lack of circulation. I looked to my right to see Nina laying there, peacefully, asleep on my right arm. I smile small down at her and sigh, remembering that these next few days may be the last times i'll be able to be with her. God, this sucks. I'm losing my best friend more and more each minute for who knows how long? I still can't believe i chose Selena over her. It's too late to take to back too. What the hell was i thinking? I'm so stupid.
All of a sudden, tons os questions filled my head.
What was i thinking?
Will Nina ever forgive me?
Why did mom have to come home for her purse?
Why was mom the one who found me, unconscious on the floor, surrounded by a pool of my own blood?
Why am i even alive?
Like i said before, everything would be so much better if i was dead. I wouldn't have to deal with any of this drama.. or.. anything.
Why couldn't mom just leave me there to die?
She doesn't understand.
Why did the doctors have to save my life?
They don't understand either.
Why is Nina even here?
I thought she didn't care either.
Why does she care, anyways? I would have thought she'd hate me after what happened at school...
I guess not. She does still care. Does that mean she'll (someday) forgive me? Maybe. Maybe not. But i hope so.
I don't blame her for being upset with me. I would be upset too if i were in her position. But to be honest, if i were in her position, i probably would have been so upset that i wouldn't have come to the hospital to visit her. I'm so cruel. She's so amazing.
Just then my thoughts were interrupted by my a soft knock on the door. It definitely wasn't the doctor. None of the doctors here are that polite and quiet, believe it or not. It could only two people..
I didn't respond, afraid that if i did, i might wake Nina up. I stayed quiet and waited for them to come in.
Moments later, the door opened and Mom peeked her head in. She smiled at me and i returned the look. Her face was red and her eyes were puffy from crying. Damn. Did i seriously affect them this much? No. Maybe she's crying because Mary's moving soon. Yeah. I'm sure that's it.
She looked down at Nina cuddling up to me and grinned. She walked in and shut the door behind her. As she sat down in the chair next to my bed, she never took her eyes off of me and Nina. Not once did she look away for any reason. I sighed.
"Are you guys okay now?" she asked me, just above a whisper.
I shrugged, honestly unsure as to whether we were okay now or not. I guess you could consider us okay. But we weren't exactly like we used to be. Sadly.
Mom flashed me a sympathetic look, scooting her chair closer to the bed.
"I talked to the doctor," she said.
"He said you could leave tomorrow night. But you're going to have to start seeing a therapist weekly," she informed me. I looked down at my lap and sighed. I hate talking to strangers about my feeling. Always have. Ugh. I should have know i would have to see a therapist. Although, i hadn't originally planned to survive this..
"You're lucky their not putting you in a psych ward after this," she told me, "The only reason they aren't is because this was your first, and ONLY, attempt."
I nodded, understanding. Damn did i luck out. I would hate to have to go to one of those psych wards. I heard the food there sucks and so do the rooms. Ugh. God.
Mom sighed and asked me, "Why would you do something like that Justin? You know, just because you and Nina are having.. a small falling out doesn't mean you need to take your life because of it."
"I.." was all i could say. I sighed. She'll never understand. She'll never understand how much Nina means to me and how much i love her. She'll never understand how much this "fall out" affects me. Losing your best friend isn't easy. At all. She had no idea.
"Just promise me you won't do it again," she said.
I nodded, trying to hide the fact that i was unsure about my promise. I can't promise that the stress won't overwhelm me again. I can't promise that i won't end up here again. No one knows my future. Not even me. And right now, i feel like i have no control over it whatsoever.
I lay there for a while longer listening to my mom go on and on about how bad my decisions could seriously affect me, my friends, and my future family. I tried not to roll my eyes, and luckily succeeded. But to be honest, that was the last thing i wanted to hear right now. I didn't want to hear any more about my suicide attempt. Ever. But i have a feeling i will never be able to live that down. Oh well.
After a while, mom was finally done lecturing me and left the room. I breathed a sigh of relief. And she wonders why i don't like to listen to her talk.
I lay awake staring up at the ceiling, bored as hell, like usual. I heard my mom distinctly talking to the doctor about my state of mind. Great. Now she's gonna start thinking that i really AM clinically insane. Maybe i am. Who knows?
The doctor confirmed that i'm going to have to see the school consoler everyday AND see a psychiatrist twice a week. Ugh. Dammit.
Suddenly, i felt Nina shift in my arms. I looked down at her. She wrapped an arm around my waist and slowly opened her eyes. She looked up at me and smiled small, but the smile soon disappeared when she realized that we were still in the hospital.. and why we were in here.. again. She looked down and laid her head on my chest again. I pulled her closer to me and kissed the top of her head. I really wish i didn't have to lose her again. That was the last thing i wanted. That was the last thing i need. But like i said, i don't blame her. I guess i just need to be thankful that she's actually hear with me right now. And i am. i'm very thankful. For her. For us. Always have been, always will be.
"Do you know when you get to leave?" Nina mumbled, clearly still tired.
"Sometime tomorrow night," i told her. She nodded.
I'm dreading tomorrow night so much. I was scared.
Tomorrow night may be the last night Nina will willingly talk to me.. or even just look at me. And the thought of that killed me. I don't want to lose her. I would rather lose half of my freaking body then lose her.. And the worst part of all of this?
There's nothing i can do to make her stay.
I don't know what i'm going to do.
More hours passed. The dragged on slowly. Which, don't get me wrong, was a good thing. But i DID want to get out of here ASAP. I've been in here, in this bed, for a little over twenty four hours now and i'm already feeling even more crazy than i was before i got here. I don't know how Nina dealt with this for over a week. Thank God i get to leave tomorrow night.
As the day grew shorter, Nina started easing up on me. SHe would talk to me less, sit with me less, and even stay in the room with me less. I could feel her slipping away a little more each minute. It was torture. Knowing that my best friend doesn't want to be around me is one of the worst feelings ever. I was hoping something like this would never happen. But i did this to myself. And there's nothing i can do about it.
"You made your bed, you lie in it," as Grandma would say.
It was about seven thirty that night. I was, of course, laying in bed doing nothing. Nina was sitting in the chair next to my bed. Mom and Mary were out in the hall chatting over coffee.. i think.
Nina hadn't said a word to me in at least an hour, which hurt me of course. I hated seeing my best friend mad at me. It's been a couple days, usually you'd think she would have gotten over it. She usually does. But she hasn't. I guess i really upset her this time.
The whole time she was sitting there, she looked like she was.. thinking? She had this look on her face that made it seem like she was thinking things over. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing. Maybe a bit of both? But i hope it's a good thing.
Abruptly, the door to my opened and Mary popped her head in.
"Nina, we gotta get going," she said, walking in the room and over to me. She hugged me and wished me luck wit everything. I thanked her.
"Okay, just give me a minute" Nina replied. Mary walked out and shut the door behind her. Nina looked over at me and i sighed. She walked over and sat on the bed next to me.
"Do you have to leave?"
She nodded and sighed. So did i.
"I know you don't want this to happen," she said, "But.. i think it's what's best for us right now."
"Do we have to completely stop being friends though?" i semi-pleaded.
She looked down at her lap and replied, "I think so. I just... I can't deal with Selena anymore, Justin. You know that."
"I know," i told her. I don't want her to be miserable around me because of my girlfriend.
"This is just how it's going to have to be for a while," she said.
I nodded, slowly, giving up. She'll never change her mind and there's not anything i'll be able to do about it.
"As long as this'l make you happy," i said.
"Well, it's not going to make me happy. But it should make things a bit easier and less stressful.. for all three of us."
I sighed and looked down. Just then there was a knock on the door, followed by Mary calling, "Nina, hurry up!"
Nina looked into my eyes then.
"Are you ever going to forgive me?" i asked her.
"I don't know... Maybe," she replied.
"Hopefully," i added.
She sighed sadly and looked down again. Then,out of the blue, the leaned down and pressed her lips to mine once. Her lips lingered on mind for a few seconds before she pulled away. I'm going to miss the feeling of her lips on mine so much..
"I have to get going," she said and got off the bed. She grabbed her purse from beside the chair and slung it over her shoulder. She walked over to the door and opened it slightly. She was just about to leave when i called out her name. She turned around and looked at me, waiting for me to reply.
"I love you," i told her.
She looked at me, a miserable look in her eyes, and replied, "I love you too." Then she left. Just like that. As soon as the door shut, i instantly felt my heart drop down to my stomach. She's gone. That's it. There goes my best friend.
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