An Interesting Transmission
Shade sat back in his chair. They were free from shipmen anger! Finally, some peace and quiet... No sooner had he thought this, Ace flew past the front window, screaming at the top of his voice.
“Oh Hack, can you bring Ace in? There’s a good robot.”
Hack, despite much grumbling, released a mechanical claw, which grabbed Ace around the middle and yanked him back into the ship. Acting like nothing had happened, Ace sauntered into the cockpit.
“So guys, where are we going?”
Hack gave his customary reply.
“I know! Let’s go forward!”
“Again Shade, I find myself forced to say: “We’re in space. Which nodeing way is forwards?”
“Generally, the way the ship is pointing. Let’s go!”
Shade pushed the acceleration pedal down as far as it would go, and the ship shot backwards. When everyone had recovered and pulled them selves up, Hack informed them they had a transmission.
“Receive.” Shade replied, dusting himself off.
A number of peculiar and alien noises came from the transmitter box. Ace looked confused.
“What did they say?”
“I’m pretty sure it was something like: shibbleee wibblle sshiibblle,” replied Shade.
Hack quickly fine tuned the box, and then replayed the message.
“BWUK! BWUK BWUK! BWUUUUK!”
After going into his characteristic battle-crouch (consisting of hiding behind the nearest object large enough to completely cover him), Ace asked, “Who’s attacking us this time.”
Hack sighed. “No one. That was a distress call.”
Shade was quick to jump in.
“Yeah, it sounded pretty distressing.”
“I’m going to search my files, and find out what it was.” Hack fell silent.
“You know, it’s funny,” remarked Ace, “We’re normally always under attack.”
“Well, you just sent everyone that was attacking us out the air lock, so I wouldn’t be too surprised if I were you.”
Hack’s voice returned.
“Ok, it turns out the language they were speaking in was chicken. Want me to translate?”
“Please do Hack.”
There was a series of hums and whirs from Hack’s inner workings, then suddenly a stream of noise came out of his speakers.
“MOO! MOO MOO MOO! MOOOOOO!”
Shade sighed and shook his head.
“Into Galactispeak Hack.”
“Yay and verily, help us! Nay, SAVE US!”
“Your language files are a bit outdated there Hack.”
Curious, Ace asked what it meant.
“I think, my semi-psychotic friend, it means we have to save them.”
“Oh. I knew that.”
Everyone went into action mode. The crew was already bored of the shipmen adventure, despite the fact it had occurred not five minutes ago. Shade took the lead.
“Right! Ace, plot us a course!”
“Who died and put you in charge?” grumbled Ace.
Shade chose to ignore the comment.
“Ok, let’s ride!”
Shade pulled back the lever and the ship immediately burst into life and flew through the heavens, catapulting everyone who wasn’t strapped in (i.e: Ace) to the back of the cockpit.
“You idiot Shade!”
Shade looked at Hack, clearly wounded.
“Hey, I used to be a fantastic space driver in my time!”
Hack grinned. He’d found another sore spot.
“Yeah, well you’ve lost it.”
Hack decided to run and hide, but being a computer, there was only one way to do it. Hack fainted.
Ace struggled to his feet and noticed Hack’s screen.
“Fainted. Don’t try to help me, because you can’t. And pressing Reboot will not work! Oh, and that’s not reverse psychology, it’s a double bluff, to make you think I’m trying to make you press reboot, so you don’t. Damn. That’s kind of ruined it, hasn’t it? Oh well.”
Ace got confused and trudged over to Shade.
“Now Shade, where are we going? I can see a small planet about a click south-east.”
“We’re following that distressed signal.”
Ace’s look of confusion strengthened.
“Oh, I mean distress signal.”
Now Ace’s confusion was replaced with anger.
“Well why didn’t you tell me that!? Ok, I’m setting a new course, after you mucked up our last one!”
Shade had had enough. He stalked out the room, yelling: “This, my friend, is what you call: “A dramatic exit.” ”
“Shade! Come back! We need you! Well... At least the one that’s still conscious does.”
Shade stomped down the corridor, and was pulled out the airlock that (surprisingly) no one had closed.
Ace was sitting in the cockpit twiddling his thumbs, when a trench coat floated past the windscreen. If anything could be deduced from the position of its arm, its wearer was making a rather rude gesture.
“Shoot! Shade! Okay, um...”
Ace stared blankly at the array of flashing buttons spread out across the control panel. He pressed one of them, and a Moo rang out through the ship.
“Why do I always hit that one?!”
He then noticed a small label underneath saying: “Moo.”
All the other buttons also had small labels underneath them, copyrighted by Idiotproof co. He quickly scanned the labels.
“Baa.” “Exercise.” “Exorcise.” “Defibrillator.” “Suicide.”
That last one had another, smaller label underneath with the words, “Does not work!” smeared on it with what appeared to be dried blood.
“Soup.” “Video player.” “XXX video player.”
“I’ll have to remember that one.” Thought Ace. Then he noticed another button, glowing red at the far end. The label beneath said something very interesting. Smiling, Ace hit the button.
Shade was still floating in front of the Node when a hatch at the side opened. A huge metal claw shot out and began to head straight for him. Shade stared at the window, and just had time to spot Ace wielding a joystick, grinning like a maniac, before he claw slammed into his side and his vision darkened.
The claw dropped Shade onto the deck, where he landed with the plop of a fish that’s just been dropped onto metal after fishing it up. An invisible fish, that is.
Wearing a trench coat. So really nothing like a fish, I just thought you might like to imagine that for a while.
Ace poked Shade with his All Stars.
“Are you Ok?”
“What on Oid IV did you do?” Shade spluttered!
“I saw a button marked “Giant Mechanical All-Purpose Claw” so I pressed it, and well, you know the rest.”
Ace grinned evilly.
Shade stood up, wincing, not that anyone could tell.
“That does not affect the dramatic effect of this exit!”
He began to stalk off again.
“Hey Shade! Watch out for that Air Lock! Hah! Made you look!” Called Ace behind him.
Shade opened a door on his right, which he fatally assumed to be his cabin, and was immediately buried in a mountain of Pork Pies. Poking his head out he muttered: “Ok, that may have had some impact on the dramatic effect...”
Onwards! To The Unknown!
Ace frowned at Shade. At least he thought he was frowning at Shade. You never could tell if he was looking at you or in a completely different direction. Ace slumped onto his navigator’s chair, and Shade bounced into the captain’s.
“Ok Ace? Set us a course for that distress signal.”
The ship moved rapidly into hyperspace, stopping only to order two double cheeseburgers from a nearby McDonalds planet. In this time period, Earth businesses have made so much money that one planet simply isn’t good enough. Because of this, corporations have taken to buying entire planetary systems, then using huge trucking ships to move them over the universe, creating the famous old wives tale:
“No matter where you go, you’re only 300000 light years away from the nearest McDonalds.”
Because traveling through space takes so much time, we’re going to have to wait for a while before anything happens. In the meantime, here is some smooth jazz...
Chapter Two and a Quarter
Several Smooth Jazz Songs Later
A ship loomed in the distance.
“You think that’s it Ace?”
“Might be. I’ll see if I can locate the signal.”
Shade pushed a few buttons, and a life scan went through the ship.
“It can’t be that one. It’s derelict.”
Ace shed a pretend tear.
“We were too late...”
Then something caught Ace’s eye.
“No. The signal’s still coming from the ship... There must be someone there! And maybe we can salvage supplies!”
“You mean like plunder?” Asked Shade, interested for the first time. “Great Idea! Let’s go!”
The hulk of the Bill’s Node gracefully slammed into the side of the space station, causing yet another dent in the already pockmarked ship’s underside.
Ace spoke. “Okay, we’re docked, I’ll need a space suit, just incase the air is unsuitable.”
“And translators. Remember, they speak like chickens.”
“And some crates. And some bazookoids, just in case they’re hostile life forms. Are we gonna be able to carry all this?”
“Well, if you want my honest opinion, No.”
“Well, you can have one bazookoid,” Ace tossed a small laser pistol to Shade, who caught it deftly.
“I’ll have another one. I've got these cool translators that strap to your neck, and then I can wear a spacesuit. I'll just go get everything...”
Meanwhile, in one of the corners of the cockpit, strewn among the debris of metal, wall plaster, and the fuzzy dice, (which, during the shipmen incident, had snapped again) various limbs were also beginning to move. Barry sat up, and immediately smacked his head on a metal bar, which had been placed precisely so that when he sat up, the trajectory would bring his head into contact with it. Scribbled on the underside reveled the words: “Wakey Wakey! Love, Hack.”
Barry groaned, slid himself out of the rubble, and made his way to the hangar bay, and stumbled in on Shade and Ace, both looking as though they were equipped to go out on a drug deal.
“Shade, Ace? Am I... Gay?”
“Well, if you are, your only partner would be Ace, and let’s face it, no-one wants to be partners with Ace. Anyway, you’re just in time for some raiding. Oh! I mean... Um, Pillaging! No! Plundering! Um! Oh yes! I mean... rescuing!”
Ace stomped past, holding what appeared to be a large syringe, of which use was unclear.
“Just get a spacesuit and follow us. We’ll explain on the way.” Said Ace, as he passed again, this time dragging what looked like a dead camel.
“What’s that?” asked Shade.
“It’s a dead camel.” Replied Ace.
“I found it in the storage bay.”
“I wonder what it was doing there?”
“Not a clue.”
Neither Ace nor Shade noticed the embarrassed flush in Barry’s cheeks...
Ace does something brave?
With the three of them suited up and ready to leave, Ace opened the airlock. Shade ran out, eager to get going, so you can imagine his disappointment when he slipped on the tiled flooring and knocked himself out.
“Ok Barry, looks like it’s just you and me. Barry?”
In the excitement, Barry had fainted. Again.
“Oh God... I’m all alone... What do I do? Do I go in? Do I stay out? Do I faint?”
All these possibilities swirled around in Ace’s head like fish, each trying to swim their way to the hole marked “Do this.”
“Ok.” He said, after a considerable time. “I’m going to go out.”
He set a course.
“Now all I have to do is press this button, and the ship will fly away, saving everyone. Wow, how selfless and heroic.”
He scribbled a brief note, and left the ship. No-one was conscious to hear the sounds that came from outside. Gunshots, screams, and Ace’s voice came through the metal walls of the ship like an echo chamber.
“TAKE THIS ALIEN SCUM!” Gunshots. “OUCH! DIE! HA! THAT’S NUMBER... I CAN’T REMEMBER, BUT SOMETHING VERY LARGE!” More gunshots. “Hey, how many of you are there? HEY! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH-”
This last scream was cut off suddenly, the outside of the ship went quiet, and still no one was awake to see the aliens carry a slumped Ace into the depths of the ship. However, if they were, they would have seen him press a small button, and then watched the landing gears of the Node lift up and the ship float slowly away into space. However, because no one was awake, no one heard Ace’s frustrated yell “Bugger! Wrong button!” before a pair of steel blast doors closed in front of him, sealing him inside the derelict ship.
The Death Of Barry Forest
Barry woke up, in pain. Limping, he managed to maneuver his way into the cockpit (in pain), noticed Ace’s note (in pain), read Ace’s note (in pain), scribble something in the margin (in pain) and then fall over in... You guessed it. Pain. As he lay face down on the floor, a blue glow began to pulse on the back of his neck. It fizzed once, then sparked and shorted out. Barry stopped breathing.
Shade woke up, groaning and rubbing the back of his head.
“What the? Oh dammit! I missed the plunder didn’t I Ace? Ace? Barry? Hack?”
Shade mooched up to the cockpit. He noticed the note, and quickly skimmed through it.
Dear Reader. Hi. How are you? Feeling well? Good. Well, as you may have guessed, I’m as good as dead. So um... Well, saving me might help my general health, but you don’t have to bother. (Please do.) This note will self-destruct in ten seconds. Well, not really, but I had to add some form of suspense. So, bye.
PS: PLEASE RESCUE ME.
PPS: Not Shade. Or Hack. But anyone else rescuing me is fine.
PPPS: We need some more Peanut Butter.
PPPPS: And don’t forget to save me.
Barry’s scribbled handwriting lay in the margin.
My mind patch has expired. Order me another one from Psycho-Psychics.net. Basically, I’m dead too. Have fun with the ship! ?
Shade hit the dashboard, then jumped around clutching his fist in pain for a while.
“Just great! Barry’s dead, Ace is presumed dead, and Hack’s in sleep mode.”
He paused thoughtfully.
“On the bright side, I have a new ship.”
As he pondered this, the intercom began to crackle.
“Help! Barry? Shade? It’s Ace! I'm trapped in some sort of makeshift prison... These things have the heads of chickens... There's so many of them... Here comes one now... HEY! What are you doing with that bendy straw?! AAGGHHHH!”
“Aw, maybe I don’t have a new ship. Anyway, I’M COMING TO SAVE YOU ACE!” Bellowed Shade, then continued in a smaller and quieter voice:
He hauled the joystick round and headed towards the not-quite-so-derelict-ship-after-all-thank-you-very-much.
The Rescue Mission
The spacecraft drifted emptily through space, the chicken-things the only living soul aboard it. That is, excluding their prisoner. Deep within the bowels of the ship, ancient gears and cogs slowly rotated, keeping the ship in orbit around the nearest planet. The overpowering sound of completely nothing echoed through it. A ship appeared in the distance. A purple ship. A purple ship with the words “Bill’s Node” etched roughly into the sides. It flew gracefully down, gently alighting upon the steel landing bay with a huge crash and a whole new array of dents to add to the old ones...
Shade grew worried as the ship drew nearer. He still hadn’t thought of a plan, so to calm him he drank another 6 litres of cola. The ship drew closer. As the Node came in to land, Shade pressed a button.
Immediately the engine cut out and the ship crashed to the ground, knocking him over and into the farmyard noise generator, inciting a series of moos and bleats to sound in a remarkable imitation of Greensleeves.
“Ok, forget the landing gears. Right, here we go.” He muttered as he picked himself up.
Shade snuck outside without being seen, which wasn’t too hard as it was his own ship and he was invisible. He then proceeded to search the spaceship, typically alerting every chicken-headed person by screaming in an undignified manner. By the time he finally found Ace, half the crew was on full alert, and the other half were convinced that the ship was haunted by some kind of Banshee.
“Ace? Can you hear me? OH MY GOD! Ace, why have you got a bendy straw up your...”
His voice trailed away, and Ace finished his sentence for him.
“Ear? I know. They suck out my brains bit by small, tender, raw little bit.”
“Right, I’ve got to get you out of here. I've come up with a highly dangerous and intricate plan which will allow me to save you very dramatically!”
Ace was not impressed.
“Which is? I can hardly move... They have tied me up, in case you hadn’t noticed.”
“I kill all the guards standing right behind me with intense karate moves and-”
He stopped suddenly as he realised what he had just said.
“There’s a load of guards standing right behind me, isn’t there?” He asked in no more than a whisper.
“There is. But they can’t see you or understand what you’re saying. They only speak chicken.”
Shade then did something right for the first time in his short life. He ducked as a guard tried to grab him, then did a spinning kick to catch him in the chest, grabbing the cell key as he did so. Triumphantly, Shade unlocked the cell door.
“Wow. Karma must have decided to be nice to me today.”
No sooner had the last word passed his lips than a bucket of chicken feces perched precariously on top of the cell door fell off and emptied on his face.
“Ok Ace,” said Shade once he had wiped the last of the muck off. Amazingly, the guard was still on the floor rolling around. This was probably because he didn’t want to get hit again. “Let’s go.”
“Still can’t move.” Ace struggled to his feet, then promptly fell over again. “You go on without me.”
Shade tutted under his breath, grabbed the tightly wrapped Ace, and ran off. Then he fell over.
“Ok Ace, I’m gonna have to drag you. This may hurt!”
Shade grabbed Ace again, and began to drag him hurriedly towards the ship.
“Ow Ow Ow Ow Ow Ow Ow Ow Ow Ow Ow Ow Ow Ow etc. etc.” Protested Ace.
Several dramatic incidences later, which we really don’t have time to explain, they arrived at the ship. Shade cut through Ace’s bonds, and they both climbed into the node.
“Ok Ace, stay here. I have a score to settle!”
With that, Shade left with a flourish, only to trip over and knocked himself out again.
‘Come on you little bugger!” Ace grabbed Shade’s prostrate body and dumped him on a trolley, which he shoved in the general direction of the medi-bay. Of course, it missed by several feet and crashed into the wall, sending Shade tumbling to the ground. Hard. Ignoring this, Ace ran to the control deck.
“Ok, all I have to do is install this dimension-hopper, and we should be back in our own time on earth.” He twiddled under the control booth for a while, and suddenly a huge explosion billowed out from beneath the booth and the node winked out of existence.
The ship blinked back into existence above a huge expanse of water, which it quickly fell into and began to sink.
“Is it just me, or is Earth a little wet today? Wait a second, we’re sinking! Oh god! We’re all going to die!” Ace burst into tears. All of a sudden, the ship jolted, then stopped moving.
“Oh, we’re ok. We must be stuck on something.” He peered out the window. “Good God!”
The tail of the ship was hooked around a huge sign inscribed with the words “Worldly Criminal Camp. The prison of the universe. Keeping you safe since 2576 Est.”
It had also smashed a rather large hole in the prison wall, through which people in orange uniforms began to flee.
Deep in the ship, a dull red light had been blinking. Suddenly, it flashed blue, and the sound of mechanisms running began to sound. Then the light divided into two and slowly began to move.
A sound behind Ace made him jump (which wasn’t hard considering his current state). When he saw who was behind him, he gave a sigh of relief.
“Ah, that's better. A whole week of recharging? Why did nobody wake me?”
“Um, we’ve been kind of busy, and-”
“And what's that funny smell? It appears we are in the middle of a...”
He peered out the window.
“Ah, I see.”
“Well Thank God You’re Here. I think we’re about to be attacked by the convicts I just let out.
“Let out!?” exclaimed Rehib. “Let out!? If my programming didn't disallow it, I'd probably shove a rather large knobbly thing the size of a Mexican cactus up where only customs men dare to probe.”
Ace pondered this for a brief second, then shuddered.
“I hope you didn’t mean... Anyway, never mind. I didn’t free them intentionally! I was trying to get us home.”
“HOME? We don't even know where that is!”
“I DO! My mind wasn't hurt by the crash, only my short-term memory... I was frozen!”
“Oh really? But do you know where I came from. Barry says he thinks I appeared after the wormhole.”
“You’re a mystery Rehib.”
Shade chose this moment to enter the cockpit.
“Hey guys, what’s going on? Where are all the chickens?”
Ace looked up at the noise.
“Shade? You’re awake?”
“As far as I know.”
Rehib looked confused.
“And... Who are you?”
“Old Friend of Ace. And you?”
“Oh, I’m not his friend. More his... um...”
Rehib’s voice trailed to a tiny squeak.
“Care to elaborate?”
“Yes, um... Well I'm Rehib, Mechanoid type 40000 without all the zeros.”
“Oh! In that case I’ll have a cola please!” Exclaimed Shade, beaming like a maniac.
“Hold on a second. When did we get a cola machine?”
“From what I can gather, when you went through a wormhole. Just guessing.”
Ace looked up from the beeping control panel for the first time.
“I found it under the fridge.”
Shade whistled appreciatively. “Big fridge...”
Rehib had been standing, tutting at the cola machine for some time now.
“Well it can't go here - bad feng shui. This is MY ship now and I give orders. Now get me some squelch - on the double. Gooooooooooooooooooogly. I like ice cream. hahaha not the pizza... Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!”
Shade took a concerned step backward. “What’s up with the bot?”
A small voice came from Rehib’s Chest.
“Welcome to Rehib. I am Self-Repair System 007, sh-8-ken-n0t-st1rred. It would appear your droid has rehabilitation sickness. If you would stand clear for a moment, he should recover.”
Shade leaned over and spoke to Re’s chest.
“Barry’s needs a new mind-tab or something like that, and Hack’s in sleep mode. Can you tell Re for me?”
“I don’t take messages, mate.” The chest replied.
Ace poked Shade on the shoulder.
“I already ordered one.”
“Oh OK. Well, if Rehib won’t get me a cola, I’ll damn go and get myself one.”
“Wait a second, there’s something going on outside...”
Rehib shook his head and groaned.
“Well, I’m feeling better. I had garlic for breakfast you see, and-”
Ace shushed him.
Peering out into the bleak fog and marshes of the prison planet, the crew was more than a little surprised to see several assorted limbs strewn about the crash site. Perhaps even more alarming was to see the owners of those limbs (and in two cases, heads) sauntering towards them, groaning and foaming at the mouth. Their flesh and skin were rotting, and through several holes in the flesh the crew could make out green, dying intestines and other guts. Ace was the first to speak.
“Those people are dead. Way dead... Yet they’re still banging on our windows with manual labour shovels... You don’t think that maybe they could be...?”
“Convicts?” Shade interjected.
“I was actually thinking more along the lines of the living dead, but I suppose that’s an accurate description nonetheless.”
Rehib shook his head and tutted.
“I feel sorry for you two. I will have the last laugh, because garlic does wonders against the undead.”
“Um... Rehib.” Shade shook his head sadly. “It’s vampires that don’t like garlic. Not zombies.”
“Oh.” Rehib stood tall for a second, then crumpled, and sobs came from his metal face. “I knew all those instructional DVD’s were a waste of money!”
Ace yanked at something underneath the mess of wires hanging down from the control panel.
“Here! It’s the dimension jumper! I can use it to take us back to the dimension we just left!”
“Impossible sir.” Intoned Rehib. “It takes weeks to recharge a dimension jumper for another use. That’s why I always use dimension T-Shirts! Geddit? Jumpers? T-Shirts?” After the joke Rehib broke down into another fit of sobbing.
“Well, I bet can get it working.” Ace pressed a few buttons. “Ready? 3...2...1...BLAST OFF!”
There was a huge, echoing and monumental explosion of absolute silence.
“See? I told you. It won’t work for a few days.”
Shade glanced around at the pair of them.
“Right, well, see you guys, I’m off!”
After his last speech, he stripped buck-naked and ran off into the bowels of the ships, screaming like a madman.
“We’ll have to commune with them, sir.”
“Good idea Rehib.” Ace pushed open a side window, and yelled: “Oi! Yes you, you dead buggers! I’ll blow all your bloody heads off!” Ace drew a bazookoid from a hip holster, and fired. In his excitement, he accidentally shot the control panel, and the main blast doors at the side of the ship slid open. “Oops.”
“I advise we run sir.”
This last word trailed off into nothingness.
The Anti-Zombie Cupboard
Ace and Rehib ran through the ship, oblivious to the number of doors they cold have entered and locked behind them. However, perhaps this was to their advantage, as they eventually chanced upon a small cupboard set into the wall. Stencilled across it were the words: “Anti-zombie cupboard. For all your zombie-hiding needs.”
“Well, that’s convenient.”
Ace and Rehib jumped inside and closed the door. Pills and tubes lined the side, capable of sustaining any living thing for at least one day...
“That was quite scary, sir.”
Rehib then continued in a much higher pitched voice.
“Yes, but with this...” Ace pushed a small indent in the wall of the cupboard, and a little control panel slid out with the kind of sound the doors on Star Trek made.
“I can control the ship from here, and I might be able to take off.”
He produced a delicate little hammer, and proceeded to whack the crap out of it until eventually the Ship’s engines fired up, and the ship lifted off.
“There. But the zombies are still out there.”
“Sir, surely we should communicate with the others, try and help them.” Then Re remembered Shade. “On second thoughts, perhaps not...”
“No, you’re right. The Zombies are probably raping their cold, defenseless bodies, right now!”
“No sir. I’m pretty sure zombies eat them. In fact, that’s quite disgusting. Thinking of sexual intercourse at a time like this.”
“Do you know nothing!? That’s exactly what zombies do, you moron!”
“You’re weird, sir.”
The time passed slowly. Then, the door of the cupboard creaked, then slid open. Ace and Rehib shrank back, dreading to think what kind of mutilated zombie they might see, (and Ace wondering if he could sue the company that made this cupboard if he survived the encounter) but nothing but empty space greeted them. Then the door slowly slid shut again. Once again, Rehib’s high voice rose up.
A sudden laugh made both Ace and Rehib jump out of their skin and metal casing, respectively. This provoked further laughter, then Shade’s voice rose out of the gloom.
“It’s just me...”
Rehib screamed a high-pitched squeal, then muttered embarrassedly “Sorry, I thought you were a mouse.”
Ace merely laughed a nervous laugh.
“I wasn’t scared.” He then leaned over Rehib and muttered out the corner of his mouth: “I might need some clean underwear when we get out of here...”
Shade leant back against the cupboard wall. Somehow it was spacious enough to fit all three of the comfortably inside. It was like the Tardis, although really it was just set far back into the wall.
“I wouldn’t go out if I was you. The zombies are all over the ship, and you don’t even want to know what they did to Barry... He’s even dead...” Shade shook his head in disgust.
Ace, stretching, pulled out his trusty bazookoid.
“Ah, bugger them all. I’m going to blow them to NODING BUGGERY!” He slid open he door, closed it behind him, and after a few seconds silence, Rehib and Shade began to hear his voice, echoing down the corridor.
“Hah, Hah, Hah! Die Zombie Scum! ARGH! Take this! HYAAAH!” There was a brief pause. “Eurgh, poor Barry... Anyway, where were we, oh yes! DIE! Hey! Ouch! ARGH!”
Shade poked Rehib.
“What if he dies?”
Rehib turned his head slowly towards him.
“If he’s dead, I put dibs on the upper half.”
“Ok. As long as I get his boots, I’m cool with it.”
There was a sickening rolling sound from outside. Every now and then, a squelch occurred, then stopped, as if there was some sticky glue on the side of a bowling ball.
Shade inched open the cupboard, then slammed it shut again when he saw Ace’s severed head rolling past.
“Ok, Ace is dead.”
There was a short stunned nothingness. Then Shade spoke.
“Got any cola?”
© Copyright 2016 Shade. All rights reserved.
Book / Humor
Book / Horror
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