Chapter 19- Ryan Parker
Time has stopped. Every movement I make from now on doesn’t even exist. I feel like I could kill myself and I’d still eventually find myself completely unharmed. I’ve been running for hours, I know
I have, but it still feels like it’s happened in the space of a second. The moment I realised what I was doing time stopped and this is all happening in the space of one single second, stretched
out for miles. I can keep running and running until I get where I’m going then everything will start up again and they’ll find her.
They’ll find Amber alive- as soon as I get there and time starts again.
Why the hell am I going there? I know where my legs are taking me and I know it’s a bad idea but I can’t seem to stop and turn back around. It’s not going to change anything. It’s not like
visiting the places where the past took place will take you back there. I wish it was that simple but life just doesn’t want to work that way.
When I was in school I was always quiet. I never answered questions but I still listened. That way the teacher never looked at me and I could just drift. Nothing ever touched me, not the
teacher’s voice or any of the people sitting around me. I was thinking so hard that my ears were buzzing. I’d walk around thinking like that. People used to joke I was deaf.
Now I finally know what it’s like to be truly numb and void of feeling. Or maybe I’m so overcome with so many feelings I can’t feel them all at once, so instead I don’t feel them at all. Or
maybe it’s just shock- I always overcomplicate things. No matter what, I know what I’m feeling is nothing compared to what Kyle is feeling. I don’t deserve to feel anything because no matter what
it’ll be like comparing a light bulb to the blazing sun when it comes to him. It’s the same with how much he loves her- I can’t compete with it.
I wish someone could just hit me- stab me even. I want someone to kill me. Everything’s so still and unmoving. I want something to crash or go bang. I want to feel fire or ice burn me. I want
to feel pain.
I can remember it all so clearly even though nothing was clear at the time. All I could feel was a thirst for violence and all I could see when I looked at her was a way to unleash my anger.
I could remember her hands covering her face trying to fight me off even when she knew it was useless. Still, it meant I never touched her face. She still has her beautiful flawless face.
I’m reliving it so I can feel something. I want to feel the anger I felt when Tobias told me I should leave before I hurt someone. I want to feel the rage I felt when I transformed, that
blinding hatred that took over when I saw Amber, her petite blonde figure metres away from me. I want to feel something.
How many times have I wanted to not feel? I should be living the dream. I’m finally free of the loneliness and the sadness and isolation. I’m numb like I always wanted. Except I know I never
meant it. I didn’t want to feel the isolation but I did want to feel something. I just wanted something out of reach, something unrealistic. I wanted Amber’s love.
Why am I still running? Why am I going there? It won’t bring her back; it won’t take away the image of her lying there on the ground bleeding like a broken doll. I won’t see her there again
with unwashed hair and doubtful eyes. I won’t find a girl in need of a hero with the offer of a home. That’s gone. Time may have stopped but it won’t rewind.
So why am I going there? I’m going because the impossible has always been my goal, because that’s who I am. I’ve never stopped reaching for Amber’s love again even though I always was a light
bulb in comparison to the sun.
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