I felt absolutely awful.
I wish I could show Kyle just how angry I am at him. He might have the right to be straight with Ryan but he really is harsh. He didn’t have to literally flaunt my words in his mind for Ryan
to see. All I wanted right now was for Kyle to feel how annoyed I was by his actions. I’m a reasonable person though. I can think of a million reasons that justify what he did. The most important
of which being love. Anger and love don’t mix.
Maybe that’s why I wasn’t even angry. Deep down I was so relieved Kyle had stood up for me. I’m ashamed of what I feel though. It was so easy just letting it out and talking to Kyle about it
but now that Ryan knows...I feel awful. I need Kyle here with me to tell me I’m not a horrible person. I wish I hadn’t told him to go and cool down, but I wouldn’t have needed to if he’d just kept
it to words and hadn’t started a fight.
Kyle asked me what I really wanted to say to Ryan and I suppose the rest doesn’t need explaining. All he had to do was think of me saying those words and it was all out. Ryan knew every word.
Kyle’s not really angry at me for sending him away because I’ll forgive him as soon as I next to see him. He knows I’m secretly relieved that Ryan has finally gotten the message. I was never going
to get it across alone. Everything he says or does makes me feel guilty for hurting him.
At first all I could think when Kyle imprinted on me was, how can I get out of this? It took me less than a day to decide that I didn’t want to. Even if I did have to hurt Ryan I loved Kyle.
I was so sure Ryan would get over it. When Kyle imprinted on me I thought it marked the end of everything and the beginning of me and him. Realistically though it marked the beginning of an endless
struggle. Ryan wasn’t going to disappear.
I didn’t want him to either, at least not completely. If he just wasn’t here, where I was, and he was happy somewhere else everything would be perfect. I wanted him to be happy without me. I
wouldn’t admit it to him but the very thing he hated would be the solution to everything.
I’m really starting to regret sending Kyle to cool off somewhere. Ryan always goes off with his brother after a fight but Kyle always stays with me. Cameron looked down on me from his huge
height. Well, every one of them looked huge to me.
“Do you want to go find Kyle?”
“Yeah I think I do,” I smiled timidly.
“You know they’re never going to stop fighting until you learn to go through with his time outs,” he smiled.
“You should’ve stopped at they’re never going to stop fighting,” I said sadly.
“Hey, don’t worry about it.”
“I do worry though. Ugh, Ryan’s face,” I shook my head.
“He was always going to be upset hearing all of that. He knows you still care about him and it really hit home you know? He always says, at least I still matter to her. Now he knows that’s
true, but there are...other feelings too.”
“Did you ever think that maybe if it wasn’t just me and Tobias who cared that he wouldn’t be like this?” I asked accusingly.
“Tobias is his brother. He’s supposed to care.”
“You’re avoiding the question Cam.”
He sighed and glanced over his shoulder at the scene behind him. All three packs, missing the odd member, were loudly discussing everything they’d discussed last night. There’d been a meeting
and though everything had been sorted out it was still the main topic of conversation. Cameron was definitely stressed out.
“Amber...normally when Kyle is acting as arrogant as he is I can’t stand him, but I understand. I know that he has a right to be this angry about things. Ryan deliberately sets out to do all
he can to push his buttons.”
“Cameron, Ryan still hasn’t gotten over things; you’re all being unfair-”
“Please, don’t act as though you don’t feel the same, even if only a little bit. I heard what you said from Kyle too you know,” he said softly.
That stung a lot. “So what, I still care! Even if sometimes I do wish he’d disappear and I could be with Kyle without feeling guilty,” I bit my lip, feeling terrible for saying it.
“He never will get over things. I hear Ryan’s thoughts Amber, we all hear him.”
“Kyle talks about that a lot. He says he can’t stand being inside his mind...”
“I know you feel like we’ve all turned against him but if you could hear for yourself you’d know we’re justified. Hurt or not, what he feels for you is changing and it’s not for the better.
If I were you I’d leave as soon as I could.”
I swallowed. “I need to talk to Kyle. Maybe even Ryan-” I shook my head, “could you tell me where Kyle is?”
He gave me directions quickly before striding after someone who I’d only met that day. I’m a wolf girl so remembering hurriedly given instructions was second nature to me. I stepped into the
shady darkness that the trees plunged me into. It was daytime so it wasn’t as dark as it had been before but no stray beams of light shone through the trees. There was a lack of light in Forks
anyway. It was a dull day today, like most so I’m told. Not that I care- it snows a lot where I’m from and I’ve spent a lot of time sleeping on the floor.
La Push seemed like a nice enough place and its packs had been kind enough to welcome us back. I wasn’t really happy to hear I was the only reason they accepted us though.
As long as I was with Kyle I didn’t really care where we were. I was happy running with the wolves, or more like clutching Kyle’s back as he sped through the forest. I was happy sleeping on
the cold dirt floor against a tree until he came back and I could sleep against him, and snuggle against his huge warm body, clutching his fur. I was happy being too tired to keep up with them all
and waking to his slight smirk as he told me to go back to sleep.
Even though I have my memories of life before he imprinted on me, their light is so dim to compare with every moment Kyle has given me. I remember the thrill of discovering love for the very
first time but it’s almost nothing. Loving Ryan was so effortless. I knew in my heart he was still a good person. He always was such a good person. Once upon a time, Kyle would have said.
I didn’t want to believe that what Ryan felt for me was changing but I knew it was true. He didn’t look at me in the same way. I felt how much he longed for how things used to be but now
everything was different. And now that it was he looked at it differently.
“Amber,” Ryan whispered. I turned to see his entire body shaking, his form blurring...
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