My Tragically Retarded Yet Quite Interesting Life

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic

Chapter 2 (v.1) - Gillian, Poop and Pee-ree-uhds

Submitted: December 12, 2009

Reads: 88

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Submitted: December 12, 2009



“Okay so how about a sleepover tonight? You and me, leftover cake and a bottle of alcohol of some sort”

“Hmm one of the three make me suspect your mother is out” I mused. Where on Earth did she get this alcohol from?
“Yup, Miss Donuts and Wine is off to another Ann Summers party so I’m home alone. Talk about child neglect innit? I would go all human rights on her, but to be honest I prefer my sleepovers with you to going to ‘who’s the daddy?’” referring to her father who divorced her mother four years ago.  “I mean, dude? Well actually I could sue her for quite a bit of dosh”
“I thought she was Miss Monster Munch and Rom com”
“No Blockbusters caught up with her and there wasn’t any room in the cupboard for a multipack”
“Of course” I said my eyes rolling. It was about time Blockbusters wrote. Her mother had kept that Definitely, Maybe DVD for over four months to which Gabi had said “how sad can you get!”
Really, I think I know someone who might be up to answering that question.
“Truth or dare or DVD?” asked Gabriella later when we were snuggled up with cake and Oreo biscuits.
“Hmm DVD I think. Truth or dare is getting a little...”
“Old? Boring?” she asked.
“Painful” I admitted.
“Ah yes I see what you mean. Oh well which DVD then?”
“Have you got House Bunny?” I asked hoping Skid hadn’t gone and borrowed it along with Miss Congeniality.
“Of course- I think that was the only one Mrs Skiddy Knickers didn’t nick” she said like she was reading my mind.
“Mrs Skiddy Knickers- seriously?” I repeated with raised eyebrows.
“Oh come on don’t tell me you can’t imagine him in big granny knickers? He is so gay!”
“Yeah true” I giggled, “it just sounded odd”
“Oh and I couldn’t get a bottle. My people were busy” she pouted.
“And who exactly are these people who supply you with vodka?” I asked for what seemed the gazillionth time.
“There’s one person in particular actually and then there’s her people, no one you know though”
We put it on and Gabi gave a very amusing ‘tut’ every time Anna Faris appeared with like hardly ANY clothes on.
“She’ll catch her death” she screeched.
“You say that every time we put it on! It’s getting old now” I teased.
“You calling me boring?” she asked incredulously, while ripping paper with her teeth.
“Put down the bloody paper!” I sighed attempting to snatch it before she could start eating it.
“That’s what’s getting old! There’s no law against it”
“I’ll write to the tree huggers and tell them you’re eating poor little trees!” I threatened.
“You’re acting like a pick on puny little trees! Like I march into the forest and hack at them with a chainsaw and tell them to say hi to the dude who squashes them to a pulp”
“How do you know so much about making paper?”
“You are what you eat as that poop woman says, so you know I thought I’d find out who I was. It was a very spiritual moving journey, finding all of that out”
“I’m sad that I missed it” I said, familiar with the way she carried on.
“That woman has some issues though doesn’t she? Looking at peoples crap and such”
“Gillian McKeith!” I exclaimed quite chuffed I remembered.
“You know I might write Ms. McKeith a strongly worded email telling her it’s disgusting how she pretends she’s helping these people”
“Pretends? Why would she pretend?”
“So she can look at their poop. She has a poop obsession”
“If you say so. I wonder what the proper name for obsession with poop is”
“Ooh I’ll get my laptop!” she screamed excited.
We couldn’t find it, sadly. We did find her official website though.
“Oh my God the background is brown- Eurgh!” she cried.
“Gillian McKeith is one sick woman” I agreed.
“I think I might vomit” Gabi acted out heaving, “I’ll be in the bathroom”
“Gabriella chill” I laughed.
“No I need a crap actually. Do you want to go all Gillian on me and come see if it’s all full of papier mache?”
“No I’m good thanks”
She hopped off upstairs. I put Pulling on and was quite deeply involved in the plot- a dude was tied to a chair with tampons in his mouth and Baby Bells lodged up his arse- when I heard Gabi swearing from upstairs. I ran up to the bathroom and knocked on the door.
“Crap Sophie I’ve started”
“Didn’t you start ages ago though? I mean the house is full of tampons-” then I laughed.
“They’re for the gang’s amusement. And just in case of- well this basically! It’s not funny!”
“No it’s just downstairs on the TV you know Pulling...oh never mind”
“Yeah never mind!” she huffed.
“Just grab a tampon” I reasoned.
“I don’t know how to use them” she cried desperately.
“Put your leg over the bath” I instructed.
“Aw! God I’ve done something wrong here!” she called out to me after a few seconds.
“Look at the instructions Gabi”
“Oh!” she said before bursting into laughter.
“I left the cardboard on”

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