Chapter 5: Wanted: Master of the Universe

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic

Reads: 311

Carl Kolchak Talks about 'Night of the Living Recession'

altHunting ghosts, zombies, and vampires to photograph is tough business. During the good times, everywhere you look, unimaginable horrors roam the earth. And at other times, there's not a zombie or real vampire to be seen. During the off season, the veteran spook chaser finds a ghost or two and snaps some photos to earn money on the side, or else they spend time in the unemployment line. But with the economic crunch in full swing, even the ghosts are having a hard time. Refusing to come out due to the high costs related to spewing ectoplasmic goop and the exorbitant price of energy required for materializing, the ghosts are facing the 'Night of the Living Recession' right alongside with the rest of the world's Joe Six-packs. Business is down, plain and simple So, it's off to the unemployment line and the local shop-and-rob to find a paper with the current job listings. But like the ghosts, even paranormal photographers are not finding work. Job listings are few and far between, while requirements... well... they warrant a story of their own.

When it comes to job requirements, there's nothing like a bad economy to inflate the skills demanded by employers, deflate the pay, and increase the hours of work. To put it in good ol' Human Resources spin doctor 'the glass is half full' speak,

"The decreased spending and lack of consumer confidence has motivated our company to become highly efficient through the process of trimming the fat and becoming a lean, mean, fighting machine! Rah! Rah! Rah! Now, those of you who still have your job - get back to work!"

Ready to hunt for work instead of zombies or ghosts, I picked up the morning paper and thumbed my way through the job listings. The following posting looked promising:

Wanted: Senior Entry Level Programmer Analyst Who Possesses the Ability to Raise the Dead

Are you a guru? Take a hike! You're not even close to good enough for our company. Are you a demigod? Piss off mate! That's still not going to cut it! You need to be the right hand of God. You never make mistakes, you're all seeing and all knowing, and you've created worlds in less than seven days - three day creation is desirable. Those without the following list of proper credentials need not apply.

Mandatory skills required

  • 117 years of programming experience.
  • 8 months of design and analysis experience gained while in the womb. These pre-world entry certificates are required to demonstrate the candidates initiative.
  • Ability to raise the dead. Three day grace period not allowed, must be raised on demand.
  • Ability to part an ocean, the skill of walking on water may be substituted in some cases.
  • Ability to calculate Pi to 3.14 digits. Our team of analysts will examine those 0.14 digits carefully. Any mistake will lead to instant disqualification of a perspective candidate.

Pay and Benefits
Rate of pay: ranges from $25/hour to $43/hour. Our company does not take checks for your weekly salary payments. You must pay us your first and last week salary in advance. Any late payments from the employee to the employer can result in immediate termination along with fines which consist of 33 percent of the amount due per overdue day or $400 per day, whichever is greater. Direct deposit is available. Money will be transferred from the employee's checking account directly into the employer's slush funds on a weekly basis, freeing the employee from worries about missed payments. We also require all employees to contribute an additional 10 percent of their base salary payment to a 'United Way' slush fund. The fund payout is for executive use only.

Application Process

To apply for this job: Send a $1327 application fee along with the 347 page application form, filled out in triplicate using Jazzberry Jam colored ink only. Application forms deviating from the requirements in any manner will be burned as a source of heating in order to satisfy the Bob Cratchit Union requirements of providing heat to employees.


Applicants must supply references in advance. References from Charles Babbage, Seymour Cray, Alan Touring, Grace Hopper, and at least one Pope are required. References from Pope John Paul I, Pius III, or any other Pope who served a term of less than two months are normally not allowed due to the brevity of their service. Candidates able to resurrect a Pope who served a short term might receive additional consideration if the resurrection process is completed in a timely manner.


Submitted: November 24, 2009

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