January 22, 2011
A week and one day
My dearest, sweetest boy,
I have cried many times this week. Most of it done at night, when no one can hear. Sometimes driving in the car. Sometimes just sitting watching the TV. I’ve kept busy this week, working, helping Macady with her homework, going out for meals, cooking meals, being sick, eating ungodly amounts of cough drops, taking Star to adoption days. I chased a loose dog at the shelter all over, hitched a ride with a stranger because I couldn't breathe in any more cold air and was heaving, caught the damn dog and took her back to the shelter. I watched a couple bring in a bitch with 8 puppies. He literally DRUG her to the back room. She was so scared to death and the petrified look on her face has haunted me all day. I had to help catch her and push her forward. It was disgusting to witness. I walked out into the shelter foyer and watched another family dropping off 8 more puppies. 16 dogs in 10 minutes. Sickening. I don't like the shelter, I don't like adoption days. I don't like the idea of marketing a dog to sell, or 'adopt' out. I don't really want Star, he fits in with us because we care for him, feed him, shelter and love him. He loves snuggling, but he doesn't stay at your heels like you heelers do. He's a sweetheart, but he doesn't like little kids in his bubble. He put up with being pulled in and out of his kennel by strangers, sat nicely, shook hands, lolled his tongue about and generally looked adorable, but when it was time to go, he got surrounded by about 5 kids and growled at one standing in front of him. Does that make him a bad dog? I don't know. I don't really care, isn't that awful? If he was like you, I'd think about keeping him forever. I spent $18 and microchipped him today, but I'd be just as happy if he settled in with another family. Not the deaf lesbians that wanted him, but a good family with understanding parents and non-crowding kids. An inside home with a fenced yard. I miss you P.
This cough is kicking my butt by the way. My ribs and chest hurt. I put your collar and baggie on my bedside cabinet the other day. I touch it every night before I go to sleep and tell you goodnight. I shouldn't reach out to pet you when I lay down, but I still do. It's hard reaching out to nothingness but I do it anyway, on the off-chance that I just might feel your ears under my hand. I still feel your spirit in the living room, and I am glad of it. I know you'll leave when I am ready, and until then, I am happy knowing you are near. Selfish and bizarre as that all is, I take a small measure of comfort in it. I've only been out to the chickens once to get eggs this week, and I couldn't bear to look at the turned-over earth under the trees. I am glad the deck is in the way so I don't have to see it from the house, and I am happy when it snows because it turns brown to white and makes the sight of earth easier to ignore. I try not to think about the 14th, but it is always burning in the back of my mind. If I stop being busy, or lay awake too long at night, I think of you and start to cry. If I don't think about you buried in the ground, if I don't imagine the weight of earth pressing you down, if I just don't think....then it's ok. I can't allow myself to think of you that way, but the ground reminds me and I hope Spring takes her time, so I don't have to deal with seeing the earth there. I am grieving Pard, and I have no idea how to do it properly. There is nothing that can prepare a person for this. I do try to stay busy, to not listen to slow or sad songs, but it doesn't help. Sadness and ache come in overwhelming brutality and I can't help but sink to it until it ebbs and I can get up and keep moving. I miss my old boy. I miss seeing you on the living room floor. Stripes misses you like crazy. I try to give her extra loves, but I can tell she misses you. She comes in at the same time every night and I know she is looking for you, just like she always has. Maybe you can visit when I am not here, and give her lots of kisses because she needs them. She doesn't understand where you went and I can't explain it in terms she'll ever know. I don't know what the rules are there, but she would love to see you again. As for me, I will wait until it's my time and when it comes, I will hold you and love you and never, ever, ever let you go.
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