Its strange how one little decision can shatter your life. A few words tumbling out of your mouth in a torrent of broken letters can lose you everything. It’s Fate. Fate comes and changes it all. Makes you say stuff you don’t wanna say. Do stuff you don’t wanna do. Then, Fate will come and take everything from you. Of course, she could just give you the world but in the few years we’ve lived; we’ve never been that lucky.
This is a nice cliff top though. It’s got a nice angular edge that I can dangle my legs over. I can hear the crash, crash, crash of the waves beneath me. It’s almost lulling me to sleep. It would be more peaceful if it weren’t for this wind though. It’s blowing water into my face making my eyes sting and stream. I kinda like leaning over this cliff edge, after all that Fate's done to me, I like having the idea that I'm in control of my life, not Fate. I'm the one that can end it, not her.
It’s so strong here. The wind. To be honest, it wouldn’t be too hard to get knocked off this cliff and tumble down the cliff side, ricochet off the rocks until finally landing in the wide expansion of water. I don’t wanna leave this place though. This is our place. You asked me to marry you right over there by those rocks. That seems like another life time ago. But wow, didn’t it cause gossip. Lots of gossip. I remember how Elouise's face twisted into what we snickered could only resemble a squashed grape. I can still hear her despairing voice: “They’re too young. They’re too irresponsible. She doesn’t see what he’s like.” Don't see what you were like? Course I knew what you were like! I knew exactly who you were. Of course I only found out the 'exactly' part when it was too late but ... never mind. It doesn't matter. Just let it be.
None of my friends wanted me to marry you. It wasn't just despairing Elouise. They were all so completely glued to the image they thought was you. The irresponsible one. The dangerous one. The cheating one. You've changed though. We both have. Because of Fate. We changed because of each other, because Fate moulded and manipulated our world’s forcing them to collide…it was only for her own entertainment though. She drove our lives towards each other until they collided head on. It wasn't so that we could fulfill what some people call destiny, it was so she wouldn't get bored. She doesn’t care who we are. She just wanted a show.
Our engagement party was almost empty, only a few showed up. The others refused, saying that their presence would make it seem like they condoned the wedding. What fancy words. I guess its times like these you know who your real friends are. I wish they had come though. I felt so alone, no support. Even mum didn’t come. In fact, she hasn’t talked to me since that evening when I told her I was engaged to you at 18. Saying she didn’t approve would be an understatement.
God. I’m -
The world feels empty now that you’re gone. You were my first love. I thought that you’d be mine forever…and mine alone but Fate stepped in and ended that episode. She let you die, in that moment of impulse. It was Fate that killed you in the dark that night. She knew what was soon going to happen and allowed it. It was her show. She was posed on her tip-toes craning to see the moment where you would die. She built it up, made it so perfect so you stood no chance. She blew out the street lamps, led everybody into their beds and held them there while letting wind be as loud as it is right now, so nobody could hear your scream. Fate schemed…then watched her chaos unfold.
I-I couldn’t move after it happened. My hands were frozen in position and my eyes glued to you. You were splayed against the road in front of the pub. I began towards your broken body, wading through my subconscious. It was like my feet were dragging through thick, marshy waters.
God. I just can’t get that-that image out of my head. You. You with your head dented on the ground. Ugh, your leg crooked at that angle. And your body surrounded by a glistening halo of blood. I curled my fingers around your wrist, searching for that faint throb to tell me if you had gone. The world was moving in slow motion. Just like in those tragic love movies I would try to make you watch.
Those movie nights aren't my reality anymore. This is my reality. Me and this cliff. Every other place is stained with the shadows of your face. It feels like it’s been years since I saw your body lying still in the middle of the road but the creeping, red sunrise sings to me that it’s only been a few hours.
Fate murdered you. It wasn't who you think it was. It was her, Fate, she brought that conversation to our lips. I guess I needed to confront you about it but I’ve wanted to believe that you wouldn’t for so long.
You can’t cheat on me you know. You can’t … just believe that my friends- ugh. They all knew. That’s why they didn’t want me to marry you, why they refused to come to our engagement party. They knew I deserved better. I guess I know who my real friends are.
I always come here to this cliff whenever I need to get away. You should have treated me right. Then maybe Fate would’ve stepped in to save you. Instead, she made you stalk off when I confronted you. You walked straight towards your death. As if you just walked away! You thought … a nice beer would solve your problems. You shouldn’t have walked to that bar. It was too predictable! In fact, you shouldn’t have cheated. That’s the big problem here.
Still. We all die at one point but Fate’s the one who gets to circle the date on the calendar. You thought you were in control of your life, didn’t you? You’re not. It’s Fate. She makes you say stuff you don’t wanna say. Do stuff you don’t wanna do. You didn’t know that was going to be your last walk… Neither did I. But Fate was planning things for me too. She gave me that moment of impulse.
After you stalked off, Fate guided me to my car, laid my hand on the ignition and then pushed my foot down on the accelerator.
The wind’s got so strong I can’t hear myself speak but down there, burning where you are, I’m sure Fate is holding your head up to listen. How did it feel? Hm? Tell me. Did your legs freeze where you stood? Feet glue to the floor? Sing me your answer, John! How did it feel? How did it feel when I ran you over?
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