I was afraid of doctors. I mean terrified. Ever since I was little, I had problems with them. So it took me another week, before Anika finally convinced me to go. Of course she had to go with me, when they took my blood and urine. Doctor couldn’t find anything, so he send my samples to more test and he said it would took a few days to discover what’s wrong. I don’t know if it was only my luck or something, but after that I gotten better almost immediately. When I got the call from the doctor I was healthy as horse. And yet he said it would be better if I come back. I left Anika at home this time. I remember sitting in his office, feeling kind of nervous, but he seemed quite happy. I thought by myself that apparently it’s a good news.
“Well, congratulation my dear, you are pregnant.” I stared at him.
“I’m what?” he just smiled.
“You’re pregnant darling.” He was smiling, but even he noticed that I wasn’t as happy as he was. He immediately wiped that damn smile off his face.
“I see pregnancy wasn’t planned?” I wanted to tell him, that I just can’t be pregnant. I haven’t had sex in five month, ever since my boyfriend dumped me. Except… But that can’t be real. Can you get pregnant in your dream? Doctor came around, put his hand over my shoulders and said:
“If you wish we can take a look, to determine how long have you been pregnant?” I just nodded. I need to know. But everything that happened, it felt like I was drugged. He put me in a chair and asked a sister to bring the ultrasound. It only took few minutes to get the picture.
“Look, here’s your baby. Five weeks I would say.” I stared at the monitor but I couldn’t see anything. So he circled him in red, to show me a blackness.
“You see? That’s it.” I just stared at it.
“You will have to talk to your gynecologist, about options. If you would like to take care of it,” the way he said that it made me shiver:
“You’ve still got few weeks.” I have no idea how I ended in my car. I just know that suddenly I was there, holding a picture of my baby in my hand. I wanted to scream. I wanted to hit someone. But I ended up crying. I missed six Anika’s calls and work. I was sitting in that parking place just thinking. How is it possible to conceive in dreams? After few hours I finally called Anika.
“Girl, where the f*ck are you? I was about to call the police!” I just sighted.
“Anika, I have a huge favor to ask you.” She sensed that something wasn’t right.
“Anything.” Was the only thing she said.
“I need to you come and get me at the doctor’s office. I don’t think I can drive.” She gasped.
“Are you OK? What has happened?” I just cried.
“Just come and get me…” I started crying again. It took her half an hour before she came. She hurried over, to get me all concerned. I tried to smile:
“Don’t worry, I’m not dying.” She smiled back at me.
“You had me worrying there for a second. So, what’s up?” I gave her the picture from ultrasound and went toward her car. She came running behind me.
“I don’t understand. Is that cancer or something?” That really made me laugh. In fact I couldn’t stop laughing.
“Anika, that’s my baby.” And that was the first time I said that out loud. Anika was looking at me with those huge eyes. She ran to me, trying to take a hold of my hand.
“What did you say? I think I misheard you…”
“I’m pregnant. Five weeks.” We stood there and I kind of expected that the world was going to stop. But it didn’t.
“I don’t know what to say.” Neither did I. So I just sat into the car and we went home. In the middle of driving she asked:
“Do you want me to stop in the pharmacy? We could do a home pregnancy test?”
“Anika, I have his picture! I guess it doesn’t get as final as that.” So we drove in silence. When she parked we just sat in the car.
“Are we going to talk about this?” She asked me.
“Maybe tomorrow,” I answered and went into our apartment. I order Chinese food and hide under blanket. Anika came upstairs as well and just stared at the picture and at me. When the food came, we both ate in silence.
“Christine, we need to talk about this.” I shook my head.
“We really don’t.” And that was all the next three days. I ate, I slept but never dream and avoided conversations. Until I’ve got a call from my sister. Suddenly I became very nervous, because I thought Anika told her. The truth was much worse. I reluctantly answered. Sarah sounded angry. She was yelling at me the whole time.
“Look missy, I don’t know who you think you are and what are you doing but stop right now!”
“I don’t understand. What have I done?”
“I don’t know! But there were two men here from some agency and they said you were in the drug business!” Anika came closer. She was as surprised as I was.
“I’m not…” I tried to convince her, but she wouldn’t let me speak.
“I send them to mother, so you have an hour or two before they came to you. Dump the boy you’re with, flush the drugs and get you shit together. I don’t want any surprise visit from cops as well!” And she hung up on me. I just stared at the phone. Anika slapped me, but I didn’t feel a thing.
“Chris is this about the baby’s father?” That snapped me out. Did they finally come? Did they know about the baby? I got up and hugged Anika.
“I’m so sorry, but I have a request.” She just nodded. I stormed to my room, dressed differently and took everything I prepared. I also took my computer and my e-reader. But just as I was storing my e-reader, Anika gave me her own e-reader. I only raised an eyebrow, so she explained.
“I found a lot of books about pregnancy and babies. You should take mine, it’s more useful than yours.” That brought the tears in my face.
“I’m so sorry. I can never fully explain to you how sorry I am to put you in my mess.” She hugged me again and gave me some money.
“When it’s safe call me please. But call me only when you’re ready to explain everything. Because right now you aren’t my favorite person. I still love you, but I don’t really like you.” It was a bitter and fast goodbye.
“I promise, I will explain everything in a few months. Just, don’t get in trouble for me. Tell them everything. Except… Don’t mention my…” She understood. One last hug and I was in a taxi, driving toward a train station. I cursed myself, and threw out of the window my ID. Then I took my other ID and said to myself.
“My name is Tamzin Valky and I’m 22 years old. My father is in Phoenix, and I have no one else.” I repeated that sentence until I was on a train to Los Angeles. I have ten hours to prepare myself for my new life. Fuck.
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