Painkiller

I drove down the deserted roads, repeating over and over that this was crazy. It was below freezing, the snow was six inches deep, and yet I still kept my promise to visit Caitlyn. Then again, I was always one to keep a promise, especially one I made to her.
I counted a grand total of three other brave souls on the road before making it to the small town of Wanickam Creek. As I turned onto First Avenue, I saw a couple of small children playing in the snow. Heritage Grove High School wasn’t the only school that issued a Snow Day, I silently assumed.
I continued down First Avenue for a few blocks, then turned right onto Coolidge Road for a couple blocks more. I then took a left onto Wilson Way. I pulled into the driveway of the third house on the right and looked up at the place, knowing that Caitlyn was inside waiting for me. I drew in a deep breath and shut off the car, climbing out into the freezing cold air. The was a soft breeze that blew against my exposed face, making it seem even colder.
I walked into the house, and I immediately saw hr sitting on the couch. She got up in a flash and hugged me tightly. I returned the embrace, but loosely. She pulled away after a second, looking up into my face with a bright smile. She was wearing the Batman baseball cap that I had given her one day, and I had to smile a little bit at the sight.

“Before I leave today,” I began quietly so only she could hear, “I need to talk to you about something.”
“How about we just talk now?” she suggested. I nodded, then led her outside.
It was as cold as it had been before I walked into the house. The slight breeze had remained; it had not faded away nor grown stronger. The only thing that was warm was Caitlyn’s small hand in mine. I had just noticed that we were holding hands.
“What is it you wanted to talk about?” she asked as we got to my car. She leaned against the passenger door and showed no sign that she was cold. I didn’t think about offering to sit in the car where it was bound to be a little warmer.
I hesitated for a moment; I didn’t quite know how to begin. I took in a deep breath as I glanced around at the houses, hoping to find the right words. I exhaled after finding no help. I looked back down at her, and the words finally came to me.
“Well, it would help if I knew how old you were,” I said with a hint of nervousness. “No one has really told me yet.” I had somehow been able to maintain the small smile on my face. She had always been able to make me smirk without saying or doing a thing. “It would make this a little easier,” I admitted.
“Fifteen,” she answered quickly. “What’s this about, Thomas?”
I looked into her eyes and saw that she was searching mine. I could tell that she was searching for some hint as to why I wanted to talk. I looked down at my shoes after a second, not wanting to give anything away.
“Good,” I said quietly, my body shaking a little from the bitter chill. I stopped, searching for the right words again. “Okay, um, well we’ve been hanging out for awhile, and I’ve always enjoyed the time I spend with you. But every time we’re together, you’re always cuddling up next to someone else, and that just…” I sighed and looked down at my feet. “Whenever I see you cuddling with someone other than me, it feels like someone’s poking me with a needle. That person is normally an ex of yours, and I get confused as to why you’d still be that close to someone who broke your heart. At first, it’s bearable and pretty painless, but as time goes on, I start to feel it jabbing at my skin. With each stab comes a new pain, and every nerve in my body can feel it, and that makes it even worse.”
I looked up at her, my eyes slightly welling with tears. “Yet every time I hear your voice, or every time you touch me, that pain just melts away. That pain still remains deep down, but it’s like you’re my morphine. When I see you sitting in someone else’s lap, it feels like they’re stealing my morphine from me and poking me with that needle again and again.
“You say that I’m your Teddy Bear, but then why don’t you act like I’m your Teddy Bear? Why can’t I be the one you cuddle up next to on the couch? Why can’t I be the one you cry on and whisper your secrets to? I want to be your Teddy Bear so much, Caitlyn. I want it more than I want to be a musician or a writer. I want to be your Teddy Bear, because then I’ll know that I will have succeeded at something for once. I’ll have you, and that’s far better than any level of fame or any award could ever offer.”
I stopped, looking away from her again. I looked up at the surrounding houses, no longer searching for lost words. I knew everything I wanted to say now.
“I love you, Caitlyn,” I continued, letting out a soft, nervous laugh. “I really do. You make me feel so good all the time. And when you seem unhappy about something, I just want to cradle you in my arms and tell you that your Teddy Bear is there for you, and he’ll always be there for you. Whenever you’re in a bad mood, I just want to do whatever I can to make you feel better. I want to be yours.”
I sighed, wiping off the tears that now ran down my freezing face. We were both silent for a minute, but the morphine kicked in soon as she began to speak.
“But why?” Caitlyn said softly. I could barely hear her over the wind as it blew harder around us.
“Because you deserve a decent guy for once,” I answered simply. “You’ve told me about the other guys you’ve dated. They didn’t deserve you, and you don’t deserve someone who will cheat on you. I’m not like any of the guys you’ve been with. I’ll always be there when you need me. I’ll always be there to help you get away from the shit life throws at you. I’ll always love you for you, and I will never do anything to hurt you. You’re such a sweet girl, and you don’t deserve any of the pain that you have been given. Let me be your Teddy Bear, Caitlyn, and I promise to make you happier than you’ve ever been.”
Silence fell upon us again. However, I didn’t look away this time; my eyes were locked onto hers. I felt another rush of that sweet morphine as her small hands found their way into mine. I could feel the warmth given off by our hands, and this delivered another dose of morphine to the now-fading pain. We continued to stand in the bitter cold, hand held and staring into each other’s eyes. I watched as a small grin grew on her face. Within seconds it infected me and I began to smile as well.
I could no longer sense the cold winds that blew around us. I could no longer feel the sting of pain caused by the sight of her with someone else. As she reached up and wrapped her arms around my neck, I knew that I would no longer need the morphine Caitlyn gave me.