1 (edited by Ragulose 2019-08-23 14:56:59)

Topic: constructive criticism,

Hi writing my first book/light navel. It is a work in progress; I would like some constructive criticism and suggestions. I do not care if people are good at editing stuff; I need to get ideas about how to improve the story.
Gaia-last-of-the-ancients
https://www.booksie.com/602445-gaia-las … e-ancients

I store my book here as a backup so I update all the time. revisions.

Chapters 1 and 2 are the closest to being fin. I am working on format right now with them. This first book in the series will have 19 chapters.

2

Re: constructive criticism,

Don't go with Dorrance publishing, it's a vanity publsihers and you might spend everything you have to publish your book. Not worth it.

3

Re: constructive criticism,

Yeah, I agree with Adham. I've done some reading about them and they aren't very good about keeping their contracts. Or keeping to an established routine with their clients. Your book could end up a perpetual regret rather than a success story. Pullout before you sign anything.

4

Re: constructive criticism,

Suggested correction to your blurb

The first 10 years were the hardest with starvation from lack of food and sickness and the rareness of medicine leading to death.

Will read and mark any changes I think would help in the story this weekend, in return, I would ask you to help a new member.

5 (edited by Ragulose 2019-08-23 07:24:19)

Re: constructive criticism,

Baen Books I have talked with them and they seem to be more my style and price range, I also talked with other writers that deal with them and they said they were good. Thank you for your warning saved me from a headache.

6

Re: constructive criticism,

Ian  D.  Mooby wrote:

Suggested correction to your blurb

The first 10 years were the hardest with starvation from lack of food and sickness and the rareness of medicine leading to death.

Will read and mark any changes I think would help in the story this weekend, in return, I would ask you to help a new member.


Thank you, I did not use your direct rewrite, but it gave me an idea. it also let me know it needed fixed.

7 (edited by Ragulose 2019-08-24 10:32:47)

Re: constructive criticism,

D. G    thank you for your input but this is what pro writers and all universities say "Therefore, when you write about writers or artists as they express themselves in their work, use the present tense. The Basic Rule: Use the past tense when discussing historical events and use the literary present when discussing fictional events." Most dialogue is talking about the here and now so you take away from your writing using past. She said, or she tells them... She said if you are saying what happened but if you are having a conv, at the moment use she tells them or she says. telling what someone said in the past or they are talking in the here and now.

8

Re: constructive criticism,

Ragulose wrote:

D. G    thank you for your input but this is what pro writers and all universities say "Therefore, when you write about writers or artists as they express themselves in their work, use the present tense. The Basic Rule: Use the past tense when discussing historical events and use the literary present when discussing fictional events." Most dialogue is talking about the here and now so you take away from your writing using past. She said, or she tells them... She said if you are saying what happened but if you are having a conv, at the moment use she tells them or she says. telling what someone said in the past or they are talking in the here and now.

I don't know what led to this discussion, Ragulose, but I believe that it only applies when you are commenting on another writer's work, so it doesn't apply to the fiction that we write ourselves. You had me confused until I looked up the meaning of "literary present".

9 (edited by Ragulose 2019-08-24 23:35:40)

Re: constructive criticism,

Joe Stuart wrote:
Ragulose wrote:

D. G    thank you for your input but this is what pro writers and all universities say "Therefore, when you write about writers or artists as they express themselves in their work, use the present tense. The Basic Rule: Use the past tense when discussing historical events and use the literary present when discussing fictional events." Most dialogue is talking about the here and now so you take away from your writing using past. She said, or she tells them... She said if you are saying what happened but if you are having a conv, at the moment use she tells them or she says. telling what someone said in the past or they are talking in the here and now.

I don't know what led to this discussion, Ragulose, but I believe that it only applies when you are commenting on another writer's work, so it doesn't apply to the fiction that we write ourselves. You had me confused until I looked up the meaning of "literary present".

or Japanese light Novel like I am doing are always in present there was a lot more than what I put there you guys need to read the rules on writing more it has changed where people use past more now but not for young people books like LN

10 (edited by A.K.Taylor 2019-08-25 04:43:56)

Re: constructive criticism,

For me, the problem with using present tense is the point of view of the narrator. First person is great for present tense. It puts you right into the mind of the character and you can perceive everything happening as it happens to you while in that perspective. Second person? Well, I don't know if I've ever read anything in that perspective. So I'm guessing that present tense could work well with it if its like being the sidekick to the main character and the events are happening to the both of you.

But if you're using third-person and you're using she said, he said, and any other variants of that, you're writing in the past tense straight up, there's no denying it. And that is where the immersion drops for me, because for any dialogue to be said means it had to be heard first, which throws all dialogue into the past, regardless of the actions occurring in the present. And the rule of logic dictates that "No one object, except quarks, can be in two places at exactly the same time." So either the dialogue was heard and the actions are in the past or the past dialogue has jumped forward through time to overlap what is happening in the present.

When that is explained, then I'll listen.

11

Re: constructive criticism,

A.K.Taylor wrote:

For me, the problem with using present tense is the point of view of the narrator. First person is great for present tense. It puts you right into the mind of the character and you can perceive everything happening as it happens to you while in that perspective.

I think it also depends on the type of third-person. Third-person omniscient is as you suggest, the narrator is another character entirely in the story, sometimes not a part of the story they are telling, though sometimes they are. In this instance, present tense is hard because for the narrator to be telling the story they must already know it. I've seen a few stories that mix present and past in this style, where it'll be present tense when the narrator is talking to the reader, and then past when the narrator is recounting the story.

However, I think third-person limited plays out very similar to first-person, where only one character is followed. In third-person limited, I think present tense is fine. He said and She said simply become He says and She says.

12

Re: constructive criticism,

sorry for the confusion
https://www.booksie.com/602746-gaia-las … -immortals
looking for more suggestions/ received a lot went back did a lot of work now ready for more.
Akumakaze has given a lot of good advice, used some of it, but most of it does not work with  Bunkobon format, which would be the A6 format. Light novels rely heavily on dialogue, so look at quotes from the characters and get a feel for the characters' speaking styles. Most light novels sacrifice good style for quicker narration, like they are actually scripts for anime instead of books.
LN are not written the same as a novel, you all are writing novel style books. my comments were for LNs sorry.