Topic: constructive criticism

Hi writing light novel, I do not care if people are good at editing stuff; looking for ideas about how to improve the flow story.
I am writing a Japanese fiction light novel so you write them in the present tense unless you are talking about the past. So if you read it and wish to give advice please remember that part//// thank you for your time
https://www.booksie.com/602746-gaia-las … -immortals
If you have something you like someone to read, let me know. Please post you the book that you need looked at here and i will get to it ASAP