The Parise Shepherd Publishing House Content

Oil and Vinegar

My sons taught me how to love when I did not know how. I was blessed to birth two beautiful heaven-sent boys into the world.  I am very grateful for their existence and will be forevermore satisfied in my life because of their very being.  I always wondered what kind of mother I would become in my life and I was eager for that time to come.  I planned each of my son’s birth knowing I was ready to receive each of my bundle of joys at their due time. 

I never understood how I was going to attach maternally, make all the correct decisions and how I would nurture them correctly but I did.  All I was sure about was that I would find a way to be a great mother. Becoming a mother has been the only thing that has kept me alive to this very moment.  As I write this book, I have so much to tell about my journey and how I really feel about my life as it is right now.

I want to start by saying life is unpredictable, cold and it is what it is.  I never understood what I needed to do to become a great mother or what it meant to be a provider but I figured it out.  I learned to be who I am and know who’s I am.  God has given me so many great things that I could not see, I just was able to feel it in my soul and spirit. I always felt the presence of God walking by me even in the storms of life.  It always felt as if I was never alone even at night. I would always pray that God would let me live a long time to take care of my sons. 

I had two parents and one sibling growing up but I still felt lonely.  I always wondered why my mother did not have more children.  I use to fantasize about living in a home with lots of brothers and sisters, laughing, talking, sleeping in the same room and going to the same school together. 

As a I grew up, I had birth two sons and history repeated itself.  I felt like I short changed my children and did not fulfill my desire to have a big family as I wanted as a child.  I am a believer that God will not put more on you than you can handle. Knowing this I am satisfied it may not have been met for me to have more children than I was blessed with.

My journey is extraordinary with some dark times and some bright time.  I see it as a family curse and a generation that repeats itself.  I had nightmares about this for years and I felt the darkness of this reality every morning I woke up.  I always kept this to myself but it was a sad reality.  People never know what people are going thru and this is so true. 

I use to find myself smiling when I was in public but crying on the inside at the same time.  I did not know how to release this dark secrete to one day I felt like screaming.  I was fed up with hiding a family curse that had eaten my insides up to years. The old saying is you can not choose your family but you can choose your friends. 

I wish it was the other way around.  It always seems family was the enemy and friends were family.  I always was confused because family was so detached when I grew up and my friends were closer to me.  I felt I could tell my friend everything and I had to hide the truth from family. 

I was aware this was not normal and I did not like the feeling.  I always told myself I would change this family curse by doing just the opposite when I had a family.  Unfortunately, this was not easy to do alone.  I had to figure out how to do it and I did.



The Dark Side

First it started in my mind, then I wrote it out, then I talked it out in the mirror and then it materialized.  I had dreams how I would break the family curse which was a step of faith.  What I mean by family curse is things that happen in a family that lead to destruction and separation between people in the same home. Not trust, no respect, no tradition, no loyalty, no closeness and most of all artificial love towards one another.  This is horrifying as the cameras roll and you are the person in the movie and the narrator.

I have to say making a step to stop such a demonizing generational family curse takes a lot of prayer and dedication to be happy and to give your children a legacy of hope and stop the deadly disease from spreading.  As an author, you have to be either a fiction writer or a no-fiction author.  I choose to talk in first person because I want my story to be read by the reader as it comes from my lips. 

I always enjoyed reading books that was personal and deep.  I always wanted to live in the book stories I read just to get out of my reality as an escape.  Sadly, after each final chapter in the books, I would get extremely lonely and sad because my fantasy was over and my reality set back in. I had to always find another book quickly to read.

Holidays was just another holiday, I could not get excited about the holiday because I never wanted to do anything but read to escape my reality.  I had a book lined up for weeks until I was able to go back to the library and check out more books.  This was my excitement, me secrete and my joy as a child with one sibling.

I did not care much about homework, I just want to read and think about my future. I did not know what profession I would be good at, all I was clear about was that I had to do something to make money. 

My mother was a nurse and I felt that was what I should be as well and I stuck with that dream and became a nurse.  I was not familiar with the world, I only saw what was in-front of me and watched my parents go to work.  I only could dream so far into the future and that was limited because I kept my head in the books I enjoyed reading.  My fantasies were always surrounding being this child with a big family, having a big family of my own.

There were times I would sit at the dinner table and bring my books and hide them as I read them.  I did not want to stop my fantasies for breakfast lunch or dinner.  I continued this into high school and then my love for books stopped. I met new friends in high school who I decided to give my attention to which was new and exciting and became my book replacement. 

This carried on into college and then this stopped when I started to like the opposite sex.  Significant lengthy relationships that I felt remined me of fantasy books, but this was short lived because even fairy tales do end at some point and a new chapter begins.

It seemed college was like a wild book fest with different academic subjects, different book authors and mandatory chapters to read which was not a choice.  I never liked reading books I could not make my reality. 

Eventually, college became my fantasy because it was full of different people from all of the world and I wanted to know everything about everyone.  Each college class I wanted to master the subject matter and move on to the next course book to discover what was in the literature to dwell on.   My sons are my joy and I am so grateful for their lives. I broke the family curse by doing everything different with my family.



The End


Parise Shepherd

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Language: English

Founder: Parise Shepherd

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