3 - PRAYING TO GET OUT OF LEGAL TROUBLE
According to a Department of Correctional Services census, there are 8,643 people in United States prisons named Jesus, 34 of them women. If you are currently in prison and reading this take note
because your prayers for freedom are probably going straight to these inmates. If you think one of these Jesus's is going to get you off while they're in for life you were misinformed by the prison
Chaplin.
Going higher up the chain of command won't help either because God already answered the victim's prayers to incarcerate your guilty ass, so first prayer wins.
Now, if you're currently free awaiting trial and praying for an advantageous outcome you might stand a chance if your crime was victim-less. That's why so many white collar criminals such as Wall
St. bankers, shady politicians and Vegas card counters get little or no jail time, their prayers were in direct proportion to their crimes.
Praying for an innocent verdict after killing 3 people is just spam in God's inbox, it will be deleted along with numbers 2 and 1 on this list. However, a quick prayer after you've ripped off a
bank for 50 grand will usually result in a time already served sentence or early parole. Bernie Madoff got a 200-year sentence because he pushed the envelope he should have placed in the
collections plate and conned charities, hospitals, churches and Steven Spielberg, who God listens to.
Praying to get out of legal trouble might help if you remember these 3 tips: Your crime should have a zero body count, should only harm huge, multi-national corporations or the IRS and should
always, always be accompanied by a guilty plea. Don't clog up the legal system by saying not guilty when the evidence shows otherwise, you'll just piss God off and you won't stand a chance in hell.
2 - PRAYING FOR MONEY
Dirty, filthy money. The root of all evil. Don't pray for dough folks, it's tacky, sacrilegious and makes God lol. If you're broke and need bucks for food or rent…
