Month four and I’m still in this same chair trying to write stories but I can’t wrap my mind around anything else but reality. I can’t even focus to write this let alone four 700-1000 worded stories. I can only think about one thing sleep, because I can’t get enough off it. School is sucking the life out of me, and work is what gets me by and when I look around I don’t even know what I stand for. This is no longer the place I can come to bring my revelations, just a drawn out picture burned out of the frame. Inspiration is what I’m looking for but it expired along with the rest of me.
“I don’t know how to motivate you, I need you to tell me because it almost seems like your giving up”
I shake my head no.
I lied and I wonder if she sees that but I have, I much rather just hide in my room and reflect on my life instead of doing that. I need some motivation but it’s not like it’s a drink it’s something I have to find. Frankly motivation videos are cheesy and I can’t bring myself to watch them. She looks like she really wants to help and I want help. But it’s like my pride is getting in the way because I don’t think I can take breaking down. And the type of person I see myself as being stronger than the world around me. The truth hurts people don’t want to see to see it but I see it, I just don’t want to believe it because I feel like I can make it through. Now I just don’t know what to do, I need to vent but here is not the place. All people are concerned about is themselves, or gossip not that many genuine people. For right now all I want to do is to remain still long enough to collect myself and be able to think. It’s hard to admit to yourself that you’re pathetic. It lingers in my head and on the edge of my tongue but this is what it comes to that this is what I’ve become.
“We need to meet up more and talk about everything that’s going on” eyebrow raised “okay?”
I nod yes and my eyes go red and she is leaning in for a hug.
I’m not good with hugs, everything just starts pouring out. Don’t think about it don’t think about it…get ready to smile…
“Alright, anything else?
“I think we got it all”
I feel like she knows I’ve been trying to leave her class. It’s not an easy class at all, and with everything…I don’t think it’s working out. But I like tough love it makes me work harder. If only Alex would pay attention enough. Starting to think that this relationship as a bust but I don’t know I need him. I feel weak for saying it. She knows she has to know that I have given up she sees it and I feel it in me. What do you say in this situation? I’ve given up on life, I hate almost everyone in sight but the few I do like I’m not close to. It’s like a bad teen movie, girl lost in the world crying in the room alone. This sucks ass, how I feel how everything is going on. I’m always sick, I can’t focus and all I want to do is get lost in a drink. A bad habit at a young age, when I have children I wonder what they will think of their poor drunk mother. The rest of my innocence passed down in my kid along with my burdens, then I’m causing a chain reaction. The whole apple falling from the tree. That concept is a joke, all of this is a joke. Am I the effect of a defected mother? I want therapy but I don’t know how to get there let alone if I want to. Maybe I should talk to a hot line…What good will that do. They all get paid for it, who says they will actually care. Do people even talk to those things for real? Pour out there secrets to a person on the phone. What will happen then? I am lost I see it and so does she. I can admit to the truth just at the same time I don’t want to, I’m not ready to admit to anything to someone else. The only person I have admitted to didn’t seem like it was their priority. Just leaving things open ended.
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