50 Ways To Annoy People In An Elevator

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
Most of the work from this comes from eMails sent to me, but many are also freelance work. Yay! I suck!

Submitted: March 05, 2009

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Submitted: March 05, 2009

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1. Make race-car commentary like, “Ooh, and he’s in the lift! His finger’s going forward…forward…ohhhhh! He’s opening his suitcase!” whenever people come in or do minor activity.
2. Squint at a spot on their face in horror, then when they ask, say, “oh, it’s not too bad, don’t worry.” If they get out a mirror, stop at the next floor.
3. Lie face up on the ground with your eyes closed. If someone touches you, scream.
4. Stand to one side of them and pretend to be the devil, urging them to do bad things. Quickly swap to the other side and pretend to be an angel.
5. Wrap your arms around your back until your palms are against your shoulder plates. Pretend that you’re hugging and pashing somebody.
6. Do the “Cheaper By The Dozen” trick. Walk thoughtfully, pacing back and forth, then stop at the person. Run your hand horizontally over their head, making a steady beeping noise. When your hand rests over their head each time, make the beeping more rapid.
7. Slip some Mentos™ in their bag, and as they’re leaving, pour in some Coke™. Classic!
8.  When someone gets in, hold the door. Hold it for as long as you can, and if they ask you to stop, say you’re waiting for your twin sister’s sister. If they figure it out, run! If they ask you a second time to close the door, sigh and say, “Oh, that’s right! She died!” and run off.
9. Jack stands in one corner, Jill the other. Slowly move closer to sandwich the person between you.
10. Act normal, then burst into a gushy, romantic song, walking slowly around the person then proposing to them. Then, pretend that it’s the wrong person. I’ll give you ten bucks if they say yes!
11. Walk into the elevator with your arms bent straight by your side. Shuffle robotically in and speak in a mechanical voice, “I-am-Push-O-Bot. Must-Push. Must-Push. And, you guessed it, you push them.
12. Wear dark sunglasses like blind personages do, then continually bump into them and step on their feet. The beauty of this is that they’ll feel sorry for you and they won’t complain!
13. Put a mobile phone to your mouth and act as if you don’t know the others are listening. Then, repeat lines like these; “Yeah, hi…I was wondering if you had disposed of our…friend. Oh, good. A bullet straight to the head. Listen, ah, I was thinking I could go and dump it in the tip tomorrow, I’m busy robbing the museum tonight. What? Oh, yeah, nobody’s listening at the moment. If they were, I’d stab them right now! (sneaky laughter)…
14. Sing barbershop style (or A Capella as it is known), and dance too. Make it extra corny.
15. If the elevator has rails along the edges, hang from them. If anyone asks, say harshly, “I am Spiderman.”
16. Bring a little water pistol or one of those water sprays for plants. When they aren’t looking at you, spritz them with it in the face or pants. Make sure there’s a scapegoat to blame in the elevator as well.
17. Squat down near the corner and start talking to it like it’s a dog i.e. “Hello kootchy-kootchy-koo! Whoosawooziwoozi? A-wooziwoozi?”
18. With a large ball of string, absentmindedly pretend to knit whilst walking around them. Ignore their pleas for help. When they’re quite tied up in it, walk out of the lift.
19. Do anyone of the items on this list, and if anyone complains, start crying uncontrollably. If they try to console you, say it’s ever since your parents got decapitated by a flying giant panda.
20. If there’s a man and a woman in the elevator, throw confetti and rice at them as if at a wedding.
21. Stand sombrely in the corner, facing the elevator patrons darkly. Mutter demonically, “I must find a more suitable host body.”
22. Listen to an iPod, and start off dancing lightly and humming. Get more crazy, and then turn out flailing your arms wildly and screaming the lyrics. If they get mad, show them the song. It should be a soft opera, or an easy listening song!
23. Suck your cheeks in like a fish and slowly walk around the room. If anyone starts to talk, say, “Stop talking! We fish can’t breathe in oxygen!”
24. If there are mirrors in the elevator, come in with a sponge and start licking the mirror. The, wipe it down with a dry sponge. If anyone asks, say that you’re the janitor.
25. Take off their shoes and attempt to swap them with yours.
26. Cough, sneeze, pretend to vomit and hiccup uncontrollably. If they offer you a handkerchief, make it as grotty as possible.
27. Make like the Queen and knight them. But don’t ask their name, just say, “I dub thee Sir/Dame Monkey-Chunks, Esquire. Rise, I say.”
28. Ask them if they will let you practise your public speaking skills on them. If yes, then say some rubbish whilst spitting on them horribly!
29. When they enter, say politely, “Welcome aboard the H.S.S. Titanic. Would you like some complimentary peanuts? Your friend should guide them to their “seat”.
30. Jolt, then say, “Dear god! I’ve just had a vision! We’re…we’re going to crash!” Start to pray.
31. Sway from side to side, banging into the walls as if on rough seas, frequently saying, “Jeez, this turbulence!”
32. Open your suitcase, if you have one, and say, “Got enough air in there?”
33. Ask the person for the time. Before they tell you, ask them what the square root of pi is. Before they can answer that, ask them who the eighth prime minister of Australia was. Continue asking them annoying questions, and as soon as they leave the lift, say, “Congratulations! You’ve won the million dollars! Thank you!”
34. Grin at the passengers with huge wide eyes. If they look at you, say, “What? Why are you looking at me?” and shake your head in disbelief.
35.  Blow at their hair. Super simple, but very fun.
36. When the lift shows how many floors it goes up, say excitedly, “Yes, yes…it’s going…going…Yay! We made it to floor two!” Then dance and pour them some champagne.
37. Conduct a sermon. Bonus if they kneel.
38. Hyperventilate and ask them if they have any Nitrobylreunic Un-distracted Ribofinoylantic Acidulous Remover. When they say no, shake them and scream, “I NEED MY MEDS!”
39. If anyone EVER tells you that you’re crazy, say, “Hmm. Crazy. I was crazy once. They put me in a hole and I died there. There were rats in the hole. Urgh! Rats! I hate rats! Rats drive me crazy! Hmm. Crazy. I was crazy once…” and repeat. Loads.
40. Act serious and say, “Sir/Ma’am, I’m afraid you’re under arrest. It was YOU who stole the cookies from the cookie jar.”
41. Suddenly fall unconscious and flop all over them. If they try to pile you up against a wall, slide slowly down to the floor and wrap around their feet.
42. Demand that they play hide and seek with you. When it’s time for them to close their eyes and look for you, run like heck out of the elevator and out of their line of sight.
43. Style their hair in piggy tails and plaits. If it’s a man, just put a pretty bow on top of their head. Super Bonus if they don’t notice.
44. Talk to them urgently in nonsense, and when they say they don’t understand you, get your friend to talk to them like that, too.
45. Ask them whether they feel comfortable with a jumpy lift. When they say no, tell them that you agree, and then start jumping up and down.
46. Goosestep strangely and kick your legs out at them. Say you have Freaky Legs Syndrome or something along those lines.
47. You and your friend should wear black, and walk sadly around the person as if they are at a funeral. If the person questions it, scream, “Aah! A zombie!”
48. Frequently ask why the person’s head is so big, and why the elevator’s all green.
49. Stand, taking up all the space, with both hands touching the roof. If the person asks, say that the metal plate is wobbly and could fall to the ground and smash. Tell them that you need to get something out of your bag, and ask that they hold it for a second. When they put their hands up, leave.
50. Tell them that they are annoying.
 


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