Bottom Eight Movies Of My Life

Reads: 261  | Likes: 0  | Shelves: 0  | Comments: 2

More Details
Status: Finished  |  Genre: Editorial and Opinion  |  House: Booksie Classic
Me Likey reviewing things! My review of eight movies not worth wiping poop off your shoe.

Submitted: June 21, 2009

A A A | A A A

Submitted: June 21, 2009

A A A

A A A


8. Coneheads-In space, no-one can hear you whimper.
Overview;Aah, Coneheads. What started as a Saturday Night Live skit soon became a cinema behemoth, snatching planes from the sky and taking pretty girls up the Empire state Building.
I first heard about this horrendous movie from my dance teacher, who said it was about, “crazy aliens, with big, tall, cone-y heads. And they speak…like…like, really funny.”
I now believe her.
The plot; Two aliens, a male and a female, arrive on earth and continue to gallivant about, getting into shenanigans such as going to the dentist, celebrating Christmas and shopping. They soon have a daughter, who doesn’t take after them-well, not in manner, anyway. The Coneheads speak in a stiff robotic, almost nasal tone, and always use overly formal and incorrect language, and they walk with their arms glued stiffly to their sides, lifting their legs high when they walk. However, their daughter, whose name is Carol, speaks with an American accent and uses slang, loves American culture and has friends. She still, though, uses words which are too formal, sometimes. Eventually, the Coneheads go back to their planet, but the ruler tells them that since they have disobeyed his orders to enslave humanity, the male must fight a huge beast; if he survives, he will have royalty. He, of course, survives, but decides to go back to earth.
My Bla; Okay. So I GET that Coneheads is a comedy, alright? But that’s no excuse; most of the movies here are supposed to be, too (don’t scroll down)! But this is just…strange. No plot, but rather a sequence of situations in which the director thought, “wouldn’t it be mildly comedic if we had aliens with large, towering heads walking around, speaking strangely?” Or was there a director anyway?
With such weak comedy “gems” (as the back cover says) as the parents getting mad at their daughter and saying such things as, “when I was a little cone, I had to walk eighteen light-years to chop wood in the freezing eclipse!”
Oh, nurse, come and stitch me back up.
Wait for it; The main joke in the movie is that the Coneheads have cone-shaped heads…and nobody notices it. They often comment on how strange the Coneheads SPEAK, and how they WALK, but not, ever, how deformed their heads are. Carol, when learning to drive a car, has to open the sunroof to let her huge head out, but her driving teacher just tells her off for her bad hand-eye co-ordination.
My verdict; They may have “greatly pre-advanced brains”, but I feel like mine has somewhat deflated.
7. Sugar N’ Spice-5, 6, 7, 8, what’s the movie we all hate?
Overview;So, we live close to a video store, and every few weeks we get a bundle of DVDs. We stumbled upon this cinematic turd by pure misfortune, and my sister’s love for an actually okay cheerleader movie, Bring It On.
Spoiler Alert; this precious little star is about cheerleaders that become terrorists.
Plot; A group of sassy high-school cheerleaders are “friends-till-the-end”, but eventually, the leader of the group, Missy, gets pregnant, with the head jock’s child. She knows she won’t be able to support the baby, and that she’ll probably live on the streets, so they all hatch a plan to rob a bank. They don Bank-robber Barbie masks and pick up their guns; luckily, although they get caught, they are allowed to keep a small sum of money, and live the rest of their lives rich.
My Bla; What. The. Heck. The stereotypes in this movie are unbelievable! The “Brains”, the “hot Stuff”, and they even say that! The only partially okay part is when Missy’s boyfriend is at a supermarket, picks up a random child, and starts throwing him up and down-“Look, honey, isn’t this so damn cute? Let’s try and get one like this!”-to which the child’s mother hits him over the head. He deserved it.
Also, every single one of the movie’s jokes fall flat; I was always unsure whether to laugh or cry.
I cried.
Wait for it…; One of the jokes was this; The nerdy girl is trying to find out about the bank’s security, when she slips in dog…well, you know. She falls on her butt, then rotates her head, looks dizzy, crosses her eyes and faints. This is the best joke in the whole movie.
Verdict; Cheerleading+Pregnancy=Drama. Bank robber+Pregnancy= Crime. Cheerleader+Bank Robbery=Lame-ish TV skit. Cheerleading+Pregnancy+Bank robber= 7th worst movie I’ve ever seen.
6. Bubble Boy-No, not the John Travolta one
Overview; It was a late night, and I admit that I had been going a little nuts. Me and a few friends were in need of something quick to watch, so we turned on the TV. I know that my friends and I had’nt been exactly signing up for the convent, but what did we do to deserve this? What? WHAT?
Plot; Jimmy was born without an immune system, and so has to spend his whole life inside a plastic bubble. His mother, a devout Christian, is extremely strict, and tries to keep him within the confinements of his infamous bubble. Soon, he falls deeply in love with his next-door-neighbour, and must follow her to her wedding, so he can stop the ceremony. Along the way he encounters an Indian ice-cream man, an occult Bright ‘N Shiny sect, and a group of bikies. Eventually, he learns that he developed an immune system and rides away with his true love.
My Bla; What do you get when you put a turd, hair gel, and various sexual and toilet jokes in a blender? This little stinker, that’s what. Most of the movie is listening to Jimmy, gratingly played by Jake Gyhlenhall, shouting at his mom with a lisp. Sorry, I watched too much of it, and am now saying, “mom”. Oh, god. The girl next door isn’t charming and cute, she’s just a bimbo who has huge eyes and tiny lips. I turned it off at the point when he is thrown out of a bus, and then picked up by some freakishly optimistic cult that repeatedly sings, “Bright…and shiiiiiiny! Bright…and shiiiiiiny!” Jimmy starts hopping around, smiling, and I literally had a nervous breakdown and started crying.
Wait for it…; The girl who plays the annoyingly innocent next-door-neighbour, What’s-her-name, is also the actress of the head cheerleader in Sugar N’ Spice! God, I hate her…she’s my least favourite actress, Marley Shelton.
Verdict; Sorry to burst your bubble, boy, but no one with a working immune system would watch this shonky junk.  
5. Kung Pow-Dumb Trouble in Little China
Overview; This is my mum’s friend’s daughter’s least favourite movie, and for reasons I can plainly see. It was made by a thoroughly non-Asian idiot, Steve Oedekerk, who just photo-shops himself into various famous Hong-Kong-made films. Ridiculous lines and unbelievably racist scenes make this movie another media failure.
Plot; The Chosen One’s parents were killed as a child, but that doesn’t stop him from fighting Betty, The Evil One and finding true love in Ling, a dojo servant who repeatedly cries “whee-oo, wheee-oo, whee!” He also must fight such horrendous villains as a Matrix cow, an evil baby-slayer, and, of course, his own demons. But with the tiny face living on his tongue, named Tonguey, he’s sure to make it!
My Bla; You already understand what the kind of movies I watch are like, but this is just…unbelievable. In one part, there’s an intermission, and all the characters come on and start saying things like, “Let’s go get a carbonated soda! I hope they have Icee’s!”, and in another part, during a fight, The Chosen One grabs two chipmunks and makes them bite a cloth, then whirls them around like nunchucks crying, “Chipchucks! Chipchucks!”. Also, it’s horribly racist, with most of the characters speaking in muddled, fake-Asian voices.
Wait for it…; As a child, The Chosen One was tossed out of his crib and over a huge cliff, which he goes rolling through for half a night. Eventually, a kind old lady picks him up.
“Aaaw, what a cute baby!” she says, tickling his stomach, and then she tosses him back over the other side.
“Bye bye!”
Verdict; Confucius says, “Producers were drunk, Director was mentally disturbed, and actors were unforgivable. Can it!”
4. Ratz-My sentiments exactly
Overview; In Australia’s society today, we have many wonderful “new talents”, young stars who have already carved their names into media history forever, in such emotion-inducing shows in which the acting of the child stars can even outshine the adults.
It is not so in this flimsy, floppy, flabby mess of a children’s film.
Plot; (I don’t remember any names) A girl and her friend are branded as dorks, because they have no boyfriends and always visit an eccentric op-shop owner after school, who is rumoured to be a witch. After finding a magic ring, which will grant your wishes if you pronounce them whilst turning around three times, they wish for “kind boys who will look after them”. The ring turns some rats from the store into handsome boys, but the boys act like rats, eating garbage and ultimately embarrassing them at the dance, where the magic begins to wear off. Eventually, the shop owner is able to fix everything, but accidentally sells the ring.
My Bla; Okay, so the plot isn’t overly original already, but the real kick in the groin in this one is the acting. Here are what I presume the leading lady’s acting techniques;
1. If everybody else on screen is talking, you have to talk, too, as loudly as possible.
2. Leave long, long awkward, slowly-getting-extremely-grating pauses where you forget what to do in singing-to-your-hairbrush scenes.
3. Sadness; Open your mouth until the audience can see your tonsils. Happiness; Open your mouth until the audience can see your tonsils, and make small yelping noises. Anger; Open your mouth until the audience can see your tonsils, and fold your arms. Then unfold them, then fold them again. Repeat.
Wait for it…; The eccentric op-shop owner is the only real adult seen in this film, so you’d expect she’d get some good scenes, right? Wrong. So. Wrong. Her best line is when a little boy comes into the store and smashes a vase. She then tells him, “Hey, kid! If you ever walk into my store again, I’m gonna take off your socks, and sell them in my store!” The boy then says, “But how will you get through my shoes?” She replies, “Well, I’ll have to peel them off with a popsicle stick, won’t I?”
The kid acts (horribly) like he’s scared, and runs away. What? He’s scared of a middle-aged woman somehow taking off his shoes with a popsicle stick, and then selling them? Oh, good, because then I’m not the only one…(that was sarcastic)
Verdict; The actors are the REAL rodents in this horrendous flick. Check yourself for the Bubonic Plague after watching.
3. Bratz-Should’ve stayed in the box, where they belong
Overview; These young girls are malicious,, Even the kindest critics got vicious,
Teaching young girls self-obsession, brought on hate, and much aggression,
With depressing morals and enough junk to fill a truck,
This lame-o movie makes me say, “…..Yuck!”
Plot; Chloe is a bubbly, sporty type, Sasha is a sassy cheerleader. Jade is a scientific genius. Yasmin is a creative songstress. However, they are best friends for life. Unfortunately, this may change due to a gossiping control freak who is set to split up the girl’s friendship, because they all belong to different cliques. The Bratz must set out to keep their friendship alive and try to stop the control freak from ruining their lives.
My Bla; Gaaughk! Stereotypes! Stereotypes! Gaaughk! Jade is Asian, and therefore is a nerd! Gaaughk! Yasmin is Greek, and so her mother must always cook ethnic food, and everything they own is blue and white! Gaaughk! Sasha is black, and she is a cheerleader, so she must speak ghetto-nese and must be sassy! Gaaughk! Chloe is blonde, and therefore leader of the group! Gaaughk! Gaaughk!
Wait for it…; The Bratz movie actually encourages children to go for a bimbo look…Jade and Sasha are talking about how hard school is, when jade says that she got an A+ on a math test.
“Good job, Jade, my lady! Flirt that IQ, girl, but never lose yo’ passion for fashion!”
Verdict; Wait, the dolls aren’t actually in the movie? Oh, but the actors are just like the dolls! They have hollow heads, wear inappropriately short outfits, and cost way too much than what they’re worth!
2. Disaster Movie-A Disaster of a movie
This is an excerpt from my review of this horrible movie.
Every so often a movie comes out that is so daringly idiotic, so outrageously stinky that you feel and urge to watch it repeatedly. This is because the movie is so bad, it's good, and it's worth gossiping, and it's scandalous, and it's funny. You feel good and have a great, stupid time watching it. Disaster Movie is not one of those movies. If you read this and think , "I've seen the other ---- Movie spoofs, and they were okay-ish. There's no harm in watching this", you're wrong. It's not that it's stupid, it's that it's dumb and unfunny. Here's an example. In 100, 001 BC, a caveman meets an Amy Winehouse impersonator. She chugs a bottle of gasoline after saying, "Bottoms Up!". She has sabre-tooth tiger fangs. She burps in his face for about two minute with such ferocity that his hair flies outwards. Then, it's some guy's Super Duper Sweet Sixteenth, and he sees a girl, ahead. "Mary!" he says. She's presumably his girlfriend. She kisses him, then says, "Hey, check out these @!#$!" and lifts up her top. She bobs from side to side with a stupid expression on her face, then cuts to the next scene. The next scene involves female wrestling. I have no idea why. I can't really give a review because I didn't watch nine tenths of it, it was so bad. The actors should be drawn and quartered, or at least plead insanity for signing onto this crass excuse for a film.
The movie has no plot, so I need not write it.
2. Barney’s Easter Egg Adventure-BLAAARGH!
Overview; BLAAARGH! BLAAARGH! BLAAARGH! BLAAARGH! BLAAARGH! BLAAARGH! BLAAARGH! BLAAARGH! BLAAARGH! BLAAARGH! BLAAARGH! BLAAARGH!BLAAARGH! BLAAARGH! BLAAARGH! BLAAARGH! BLAAARGH! BLAAARGH!BLAAARGH! BLAAARGH! BLAAARGH! BLAAARGH! BLAAARGH! BLAAARGH!BLAAARGH! BLAAARGH! BLAAARGH! BLAAARGH! BLAAARGH! BLAAARGH!BLAAARGH! BLAAARGH! BLAAARGH! BLAAARGH!
Plot; BLAAARGH! BLAAARGH!BLAAARGH! BLAAARGH! BLAAARGH! BLAAARGH! BLAAARGH! BLAAARGH! BLAAARGH! BLAAARGH! BLAAARGH! BLAAARGH! BLAAARGH! BLAAARGH!BLAAARGH! BLAAARGH! BLAAARGH! BLAAARGH! BLAAARGH! BLAAARGH!BLAAARGH! BLAAARGH! BLAAARGH! BLAAARGH! BLAAARGH! BLAAARGH!BLAAARGH! BLAAARGH! BLAAARGH! BLAAARGH! BLAAARGH! BLAAARGH! BLAAARGH! BLAAARGH! BLAAARGH! BLAAARGH! BLAAARGH! BLAAARGH! BLAAARGH! BLAAARGH! BLAAARGH! BLAAARGH! BLAAARGH! BLAAARGH! BLAAARGH! BLAAARGH! BLAAARGH! BLAAARGH! BLAAARGH! BLAAARGH! BLAAARGH! BLAAARGH! BLAAARGH! BLAAARGH! BLAAARGH! BLAAARGH! BLAAARGH! BLAAARGH! BLAAARGH! BLAAARGH!
My Bla; BLAAARGH! BLAAARGH! BLAAARGH! BLAAARGH! BLAAARGH! BLAAARGH! BLAAARGH! BLAAARGH! BLAAARGH! BLAAARGH! BLAAARGH! BLAAARGH!BLAAARGH! BLAAARGH! BLAAARGH! BLAAARGH! BLAAARGH! BLAAARGH! BLAAARGH! BLAAARGH! BLAAARGH! BLAAARGH! BLAAARGH! BLAAARGH!BLAAARGH! BLAAARGH! BLAAARGH! BLAAARGH! BLAAARGH! BLAAARGH!BLAAARGH! BLAAARGH! BLAAARGH! BLAAARGH! BLAAARGH! BLAAARGH!BLAAARGH! BLAAARGH! BLAAARGH! BLAAARGH! BLAAARGH! BLAAARGH! BLAAARGH! BLAAARGH! BLAAARGH! BLAAARGH! BLAAARGH! BLAAARGH! BLAAARGH!
Verdict; BLAAARGH! BLAAARGH! BLAAARGH! BLAAARGH! BLAAARGH! BLAAARGH! BLAAARGH! BLAAARGH! BLAAARGH! BLAAARGH! BLAAARGH! BLAAARGH! BLAAARGH! BLAAARGH! BLAAARGH! BLAAARGH! BLAAARGH! BLAAARGH! BLAAARGH! BLAAARGH! BLAAARGH! BLAAARGH! BLAAARGH! BLAAARGH! BLAAARGH! BLAAARGH! BLAAARGH! BLAAARGH! BLAAARGH! BLAAARGH! BLAAARGH! BLAAARGH!
 
I hope you enjoyed this look into the window of my malice for these ridiculous movies. BLAAARGH! BLAAARGH!
 
 
 
 
 
 
 


© Copyright 2019 122333MexicanPeanut122333. All rights reserved.

Add Your Comments:

Comments

avatar

Author
Reply

More Editorial and Opinion Articles