Dear Mrs Thorn

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
An idiot vandal "accidentally" floods his neighbour's house, nearly kills her husband and stains all the furniture.

Submitted: August 07, 2008

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Submitted: August 07, 2008



Dear Mrs Thorn,
I am riting writing this note because I am very very very really sorry, and me and Chopper did not never mean to flood your house yesterday. I also apologise for the large dent in your husband’s head, and the stained furniture and the smashed telly.
You see, dogs have a really big bladder, and my dog Chopper is getting older and older and he had to pee on your lawn.
But there must have been sumthing something rong wrong because…put it this way; he is a spoilt dog, and your lawn just wasn’t good enough for him, so he had to go for your house. Sorry about that. And I wasn’t approving, I WAS trying to stop him, but he’s a big dog. That’s not my fault either. It’s just because Dad insists it’s better to be obese than anorexic. Anyway, I tried to distract him by throwing his ball, but (by accidentally accident) it swerved, spontaneously, into your window. I was nerves Nervous about entering your house, as you may not have liked it, so I went in through the window. Your cat, which is a little piece of totally jerky little highly alerted and proctective puss started to attack me.
Only an idiot would realize that it was only possible that I could have bumped into your good china collection with a cat over my optical nerves. And you’re not an idiot, are you, Mrs Thorn?
I (really, I’ll get my dad to pay for it) crushed the china collection, and all the little porcelain horses met their doom. I wos wasn’t sure what to do about it, so I decided to hide the evidence.
I piled them up and tried to flush them down the toilet. As I watched your glass unicorn collectibles swirl around the bowl, I felt very nervous, because I heard somebody’s footsteps.
This next part is rather gruesome, I feel. What I did was entirely in self-defence.
I heard somebody, and thought it was a burgular. Taking a chance, I swung around the corner and socked him right in the face. Of course, I was not aware that the “burglar” was your husband, coming home from work. As he has probably told you, he hit the edge of the desk, and was knocked out cold.
Isaac Newton says that for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. That means that if something does something, something else will happen, but oppositely-ish. When he hit the desk, there was a cup of coffee on the other end. Your husband’s weight propelled the cup into the stratosphere, then back down towards the ceiling fan.
I will use all of my pocket money to refurnish the stained, soggy couches. And the smash in the telly where the cup hit it in the screen. 
As I was wondering whether you would strangle me or skin me alive, I heard a gurgling noise. It was the china pieces in your thunderbox-they had blocked the water. But good old Isaac Newton gave us another little present with his laws of gravity; pressure. The contained water burst out of the loo, and started to flood down your corydore corridor.
I’m not a coward, Mrs Thorn. I did save your husband, but next time, be sure he goes easy on the fries because it was a tough job.
At least the stains of coffee on the couch were washed out.
Sinserly, Love, See ya,
From David Cricket
P.S. Please don’t kill me in my sleep.

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