Teacher; Hello, David and Kiersten, and welcome to your parent/teacher night.
Teacher; Oh, I’m very, very sorry…Kimberly. Anyway, we’re here to talk about your young and meaty child, Matthew.
Father; I’m sorry, what was that you just said?
Father; No, before that.
Teacher; And? Young? Your? About?
Father; No, none of those!
Mother; It’s Catherine! And we never said that! You said Matthew was meaty!
Teacher; No, no! Not meaty as in “I wanna eat him”, meaty as in…the good way.
Father; There’s a good way to say a 6-year-old is meaty?
Teacher; What? Lamb racks are meaty and everybody loves them!
Mother; We’re vegetarians.
Teacher; Back to your child. I feel that he’s just not connecting with the other children. Like, the other day, they were out in the playground, giving him a few knuckle sandwiches, and he didn’t
even bother to clean up his blood?
Teacher; So I went out there and taught him some manners. May I compliment your son on his squishiness of the stomach? Quite fat and entertaining to kick.
Teacher; However, he does provide some light comedy for the class and myself…if you count sitting in the corner, holding onto his knees and rocking back and forth as light comedy…
Father; What are you talking about? This is completely unacceptable! Unacceptable, I say!
Teacher; Whoa, beware the Super Nanny! Come on, Cecilia, control your hubby!
Mother; My name is Catherine! W-why do you have a problem with our son?
Teacher; No, no, I don’t have a problem with him! He’s a little treasure…pity he’s not a BURIED treasure…
Father; I don’t believe this!
Teacher; No, I just want to get across the fact that your son isn’t quite…the hero he thinks he is. Y’know…”he’s not the messiah, he’s a naughty boy!” Hehe, Monty Python…classic.
Mother; Alright, that’s… (Father holds her back from attacking teacher)
Teacher; Hehehe…”Show me the money!” “Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn!” “Shaken, not stirred!”
Father; This is just… (Mother holds HIM back from attacking teacher)
Teacher; “I ATE A BABY!”
(Both parents stand, in fury)
Father; We will be going now. Thank you for your time.
(Both parents walk out calmly, but stiffly)
Teacher; It was nice to meet you, Carla.
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