"It's the Scotch talking"

Short Story by: 19DEREK84


The funniest story you will ever read, period.


Submitted: February 04, 2009

A A A | A A A


Submitted: February 04, 2009



"Grandpa's War Journal"

Grandpa: So Jenny, did we get an "A" or what? Hey where's that "A" at? So Jenny, I gather from the dinner invitation you might have "A" particular grade to show me? {Oh come on old man. Hold your scotch and just ring the damn bell.}

{Stupid ass fuckin' bell. Who could stand that? Whatever happened to a quick buzz or-}

Connie: Hi dad. Come on in. The Lasagna will be ready in a few minutes. Did you bring your appetite?

Grandpa: Yeah {Great, lasagna. Lets shit ourselves with anticipation.} Yeah, I guess I did. So where’s Jenny? I think she may have something to show me. Wink wink, huh?

Connie: About that dad, you know we- well what I'm trying to say is that's kind of the reason we invited you over here. The-

Grandpa: JENNY!!! There she is. Come give your Grandpa Peters a hug.

(Jenny gives her grandfather a faint welcome. Her arms barely touch his body, with no squeeze to the hug at all.)

Grandpa: Ohhhh! Easy there, I wouldn't want any of my old war wounds to flair up. Say, speaking of old war wounds. How did we do on our report, huh?

Jenny: I didn't-

Grandpa: What’s with the long face? Hey, you know what always cheers me up?

Connie: A fifth of scotch.

Grandpa: No, {You ungrateful bitch!} I was going to say, an "A" on an important history paper about your grandpa.
You know, I'm beginning to wonder...What's going on around here?

Connie: Dad lets just sit down and eat, huh? We can talk about it over dinner. {BULL-SHIT! We get answers now.} Yeah lets do that. Lets eat dad.

Grandpa: BULL-SHIT! We get... I get answers now. I gave that young lady the journal I kept during World War two. Now I wanna’ see that history paper and I want my diary back. NOW!!!

{Right Fuckin' now}


Connie: Dad you've been drinking... so lets all just calm down, we'll eat and it'll help you sober up.

Grandpa: OH FUCK YOUR LASAGNA CONNIE! Jenny, just go get my diary and I'll leave.

Jenny: Grandpa-

Connie: Dingus ate it dad. You happy now? Scream all you want!

Grandpa: Dingus?! What the hell is a Dingus?!

Connie: The dog dad. While we were at church last Sunday the dog snatched your diary off the table and ripped it to shreds. I'm sorry.
Your drunk. You need to-

(Grandpa Peters sits down, nearly in tears. Jenny runs down the hall crying.)

Grandpa: Those were the most important years of my life. D-DAY, that foxhole near the Rhine river...I nearly died there. All my memories, just gone. Ripped to shreds by some fucking Dingus. {Kill'em. Kill'em with your bare hands. Reeeeal slow like. Dingus too!}

Connie: I'm really sorry dad. Let me go get Jenny and she'll apologize. Ok? Just don't leave. I'll be right back.

(Connie runs after Jenny)

Connie: Jenny please...he's drunk is all. He'll get over- (Connie's sentence is interupted by the long, loud, ear-piercing yelp of a dog)

(Connie runs to the sliding glass door to check the back yard. Grandpa is chasing Dingus with his belt and has left his pants behind him.)

Connie: He forgot to put on underwear...

(opens the back door)

Get BACK in the house!


I told you what would happen the next time you exposed your genitalia to the neighborhood.

{You tell that bitch she's next! Right after Ding- SHE'S GOT THE HOSE! Run to the car! Run to the car...FUCK THE PANTS! JUST RUN!!!}

© Copyright 2016 19DEREK84. All rights reserved.

Status: Finished

Genre: Humor



Status: Finished

Genre: Humor



The funniest story you will ever read, period.
Share :
Add picture

Paste the link to picture in the entry below:

— or —

Drag a picture from your file manager into this box,
or click to select.

Add video

Paste the link to Youtube video in the following entry:

Existing Comments:
Bad selection

Cannot annotate a non-flat selection. Make sure your selection starts and ends within the same node.

(example of bad selection): This is bold text and this is normal text.
(example of good selection): This is bold text and this is normal text.
Bad selection

An annotation cannot contain another annotation.

Really delete this comment?
Really delete this comment?

There was an error uploading your file.