Finding Myself: The Beginning

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Young Adult  |  House: Booksie Classic

I'm not exactly sure where this is going to go, but I have a project. This project is to not just sit idly by. I want to make something of myself, and this is sort of all the reasons explaining that. Its the beginning of my journey. I hope I can keep this going, maybe document my progress. All I know is, Booksie is the place where I can get the support I need to do this. Please read, leave your thoughts, anything is helpful.
*Unedited*

Finding Myself: The Beginning

 

I was never really liked. And when I say that, I don’t secretly mean I was exactly how most teenage female protagonists are. I am not secretly outstanding, I am not clumsy and awkward in a cute way, I am not flawless in looks and most of all I never had someone look at me and wonder what could possibly be hidden by the wall I had put up. I never really caught the attention of anyone. I’m sure my life can be explained by something that I did, but I also like to blame it on the injustices in today’s society.

I can’t guarantee that as I tell this story I will be able to give an accurate representation of people or events, as I never really got the hang of social encounters. I also don’t mean that in an “I’m a cute, shy girl, who eventually found a boy who made her feel confident.” I mean that in the way that I genuinely felt social awkwardness, to the point where it really interfered with my life. I wished more than anything that I could have been different. I wish that in my high school life I could have walked into a group of people and just started talking. I wish I could have attended parties. I wish that I could have been surrounded by a group of girls who, really may not have liked me that much to begin with, but that I could call my friends nonetheless.

This wasn’t my case. I attended one party in my final year of school and the only reason it wasn’t a disaster was because everyone was so drunk they didn’t really pay me attention. I spent the whole night not really knowing what to do, and ending up calling it a night and going to “sleep” in the car at eleven. I realise now that I shouldn’t have really expected anything different. Who can seriously expect a group of drunk eighteen year olds to complete a game of hide and seek? I did. What a stupid thought that was.

I was the type of person that if you put me up in front of the class to give a speech I would be able to rant on for five minutes without tripping over my words, or getting flustered. However, if you were to put me in the situation where I had to make small talk with someone for one minute, I would find myself frozen, completely unable to think or speak coherently. I knew I needed a job, but how could I get one when the only available jobs in my specific town was customer service? The very idea of being within someone else’s orbital long enough to serve them terrified me.

I think that is an element of my problem. I never liked the idea that someone could be aware that I existed. If they knew I existed, they could scrutinise every part of me. They could look at my physical appearance and see all the flaws. I was physically strong, I knew that, it was part of my training, but there was still parts of my body that could be better. I didn’t exactly put much effort into my appearance. Most days I kept my bed hair all day, I didn’t wear make-up (which definitely wasn’t because my skin was already perfect the way it was), I couldn’t do fashion. I wore clothes based on comfort value, not attractiveness.

I wasn’t completely alone. I had friends as I grew up, but the friendships that didn’t end in arguments, normally ended because I was slowly clipping away at our attachments until there was no real emotion shared between us at all. By the end of my year twelve, I’d successfully managed to alienate everyone. I had acquaintances, but none who were close enough to know what I actually thought when I perceived my life.

I felt awkward when my family told me they loved me, because that meant I had to say it in return. And I wasn’t sure how much I actually did. It wasn’t that they were a bad family, in fact I knew they genuinely loved and cared for me as much as any other parent would. But I always wanted more. I felt so much pressure to prove to them that I was going to be different. I was going to finish my education, I was going to get into university, and move out of my small home town. I was going to show them that it was because of my determination, because of my willpower, that I succeeded. Not because of the way I raised. I’ve always been aware that point of view sounds exactly like the point of view of an ungrateful child. But, because of reasons I don’t particularly care to go into right now, I genuinely believe that the way they raised me had no impact on how well I did in my schooling.

There was one person I could relate to, and to this day I thank that I have him in my life. Not that was ever easy. Living six hundred kilometres away from the only person who has any chance of calming me down was torture. It was a long year but I can say right now, sitting in the lounge room of the apartment we both live in, it was more than worth it. I suppose most adults would look at us and say “they are only children, surely they have no idea what they actually want”. But have you ever felt something so fierce, so strong, that with every fibre of your being you know that it is right? That is what I feel. Even when I was drifting away from everyone else in my life, he was growing closer, creeping his way further into my heart until even the sound of his name or one look in his direction had me swelling up with pride.

He didn’t sort out my life. As time progresses, there are improvements. He makes me feel more confident about me as a person. I’ve never had the feeling of one hundred percent certainty concerning someone being in my life forever, loving me forever, but with him I don’t doubt that this is the case. I feel confident in that he is the one thing that won’t leave me. Despite this, as I said before, my life is not all perfect. I strived so hard to prove to everyone else that I was going to go to university, and get a job, and build myself a life, that I didn’t realise I didn’t really want to undertake any more education straight away. I wanted to live for my pleasures for a little while.

Writing this is actually the first step of changing my life for the better. I’ve always had a love for writing. A love for being able to twist words together to actually form a story. Writing has been a constant ever since I was a little girl. I feel like now is the time to indulge in that, and to make something out of it. I want to write, I want to be published. I want to do something I enjoy. And if that doesn’t work out, I guess I will go back to university and I will study and develop my career. But I can’t be full of “what if’s?” What if I was supposed to be a writer? What if I was supposed to think of an idea that would be remembered for generations? What if I don’t contribute to the world in the way that I’m supposed to? What if I allow myself to be stuck in a lab all day, working normal days, contributing nothing because somebody else could be doing that instead of me?

My life was a mess: financial struggles, stress loads larger than I can handle, feelings of isolation. But I knew one thing for sure. I wasn’t going to be a person who just accepted that this was the direction I was supposed to go. I was going to discover that for myself.

I was going to at least try.


Submitted: April 09, 2014

© Copyright 2022 2010Alana. All rights reserved.

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SmileyChina

Aw, I still love you!! =( xx

Wed, April 9th, 2014 10:24pm

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Reply

Love you! xx

Wed, April 9th, 2014 5:51pm

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