11:56

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Status: In Progress  |  Genre: Romance  |  House: Booksie Classic

Submitted: April 23, 2016

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Submitted: April 23, 2016

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So i hate feel like shit, especially when  my day was so great. Everytime i think i'm over you and your shenanigans you seem to do something to make me upset again. I hate how I feel. I feel like shit. Like I'm on a roller coaster of emotions and I can´t get off. I hate feeling like shit.

 

Today was the last time I looked at our old text messages and I wanted to cry. I couldn't help but to think about how I fucked up everything becuz I dont know how to express myself. I have trust issues, commitment issues, abandonment issues, all the issues. It seems like everytime I express myself I get penalized for it. I felt like we could have worked on everything. In my mind you were the best thing for me. I loved you.  I  honestly don't think that any of this was for the best. I don't regret any of the decisions I've made from December 23rd( the day we started talking) to april 20th ( the day we broke up). I know what's in front of you.  No one is putting stress on you besides yourself and me at times. I tried to support you as much as possible and be your stress relief when you needed it the most. I honestly tried, but it felt like I was giving my all into someone that could give me anything.

 

I wrote because i can't say this out loud. Growing up with a dying mom, a drug addict dad, family drama,  a woman that was supposed to be my replacement mom, mental and sometime physical abuse, Depression , anxiety and suicide attempts takes a toll on me. I still try to go through the day with a positive attitude. You never see sweat under the pressure of my demons. I may get sad and Cry but no one really knows the half of what I’ve been through. I’m broken. I can’t fix myself, my pieces and shattered and scattered. I’m just waiting for that one person to come along, pick up my pieces and attempt to put me back togther. I thought that person was you.  

 

In my mind you were like a god sent. I had prayed for guys like you and god just happened to drop you in my line of vision. In my mind you were perfect, flaws and all. I saw you freshman year, summer institute. When you said your name your voice echoed of authority, and I think I might of shivered a bit. To be honest I didn't like you in the beginning. I thought you were loud, annoying and a know it all. Then I got to know you, your goals, your passions, your drive was more than mind could ever be. When sophomore year rolled around i had a slight crush. It was an on and off thing. Long story short I thought you were it.

 

We got together and you immediately promised me false hope, The white house the kids, the dogs the oval… Everything. Knowing that there was the smallest chance that we could have any of that. We dreamt big with small minds.

 

In the beginning I assumed that our relationship would be lovey dovey and you know, like a normal couple. Holding hands, kissing before class,  cuddling etc.  Nope none of that.. at all. We had multiple conversations about over our on and off  6 month relationship and  by the 2nd time we Talked about it, it felt like I was talking to a brick wall. It took me the longest to come to the realization that you may be completely incapable of show affections, or amy you just don't like PDA, but i wouldn’t know that  because I feel like there's always this wall up with you.


You say that we didn't know each other and that's why our relationship failed, but how can you even try to get to know someone that doesn't express themselves. Know that I look at it, it seems to be that I le down more walls than you did. I was vulnerable and exposed and you that you were ¨down¨  and the you ¨Loved me¨ so all of my walls went down because I too trusting of people who talk  sweet to me and then turn sour when they run out of words to say.  Like I said before… I’m broken. It takes a lot of love to love someone that can’t even pick themselves up sometimes. In my mind you were what made me happy, you didn’t have to do much to make me happy honestly. You told me you loved me and I cried. Just talking to you made me happy in itself. I was sad every time we broke up. I’m sad now because through expressing myself I lost you. The one thing that made me happy through tough  times, the person who made me happy when I couldn't  pick myself up. We had more bad times then good. When I showed you the very long message I wrote my intentions were not to break up they were to use it to fix the problem, mend the problem and move forward. But instead of moving forward my walls went up, my heart got cold and my feelings got hurt again. So once again I’m back to being broken again and i guess i’ll wait for someone to come along a fix me again since you gave up because there were too many pieces and you couldn’t figure out how to put the together correctly.


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