purpose

I knew today was going to be a bad day. I could feel it right in the pit of my stomach. From the moment that I awoke, I began noticing how disastrous my life had become. What was once a bedroom so emaculate that an item would never be caught out of place, now didn’t even hold a shred of resemblance. My luxurious lilac sheets had turned mustard and itchy, my soft as a new born puppie’s fur, carpet had grown coarse; and I couldn’t so much as find a clean t-shirt in the avalanche of clothes towering over my bed. It was finally hitting me that maybe I have been stubborn. Maybe everyone was right. I pushed my concerns to the back of my head and completed my morning routine as if it were a race. Work was my number one prority and I refused to be late due to self-pity.  

As I stepped into my office, a wave of calmness washed over me. Though, I wasted no time indulging in the moment. I marched straight over to my desk and immediately began planning the next fundraising event. Interupting my progress, Susan strolled in with a look of pride smeared across her face. I stared blankly as she began realing off all sorts of impressive stats. As she raved about the record breaking amount we raised at our last event and the incredible number of people that now have a home because of us, her expression gradually faded into a look of disappointment. Of course she was expecting me to join her in basking in our success, though it just doesn’t give me the same feeling of accomplishment that it used to. Now it just feels pathetic getting excited over something so minor.My negative thoughts were overwhelming me. So what that we helped a few people, what about the rest? Have we really made any impact at all? Even a dent? All of my employees have a great deal of respect for me, they seem to have in their heads that I am some sort of saint. I built this organisation because I wanted to be one of those people that devoted their lives to others. But where has it gotten me? I work from eight until ten everyday and now I am finding myself unable to put my whole heart and soul into my job the way I always have because they seem to be withering away. I have devoted my life to others and it’s left me empty.

All my thoughts manifestered in my head and haunted me throughout the day. It was as if I was in a dream I couldn’t wake up from. The streets were desolate as I made my way home. My mind elsewhere, I went onto autopilot. It was the blinding headlights coming from my left perifory that snapped me out of it. Here I am, frozen. No time to react, though the seconds awaiting the enevitable feel like an eternity. I knew today was going to be a bad day, it’s the day I realise my life was meaningless.