How To Survive Game Day

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Editorial and Opinion  |  House: Booksie Classic
How to survive living in a Buckeye household.

Submitted: September 26, 2015

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Submitted: September 26, 2015

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Drive, drive on down that field, men of the Scarlet and Gray. Don’t let them through that line, because if you do, a beer can may just fly through the living room. Growing up in a household dominated by Ohio State Buckeyes fanatics as nothing more than a casual fan has proven time and time again to be a tricky task. It requires patience, hard work, and great agility. Over the course of a lifetime though, one acquires quite a few handy tips and tricks on how to survive the Saturday kick-off.

Make sure to be well stocked for the day. When pre-game starts, Mom and Dad are going to either be in the living room, deep into ESPN-land, or at the neighbors. Regardless of age, six or sixteen, they will run off, and having a surplus of food for the day is always a solid plan. Make sure to always have last night’s leftovers stored in the basement fridge where Mom and Dad won’t think to look, ergo, they’ll forget to bring it to the neighbors for the Big Game. They’ll scamper away and voila, no one will be there to steal away that pasta salad.  Also be sure to be well stocked on chips, cereal, crackers, toaster pastries, and canned foods. These are easy to make and will not taste nearly as bad as Mom’s pasta salad from the night before. These foods should be eaten first when getting hungry, unless mom made chicken or something, but let’s be real, Mom’s food always sucks when it’s reheated.

Be prepared to block out noise. So Mom and Dad have decided to stay home, huh? Bad luck. Typically they think it’s safe enough to go across the street with their children at home, but not today. And since they’re home, that means the living room television will be turned up to full volume, and Mom will be screeching at the television like a drunken frat boy for the next several hours. Have no fear, the sound can be mostly blocked out, though the added screams from Dad during touchdowns means the entire house will always know the score, no matter how hard anyone tries. After heading into the hideout that was chosen for today’s game, snacks in hand, make sure to close the door tightly, and pack blankets or towels underneath the door as compact as possible. Then, grab an iPod base, and start blasting music. It really doesn’t matter what you play, just anything to make the cheers from the TV go away. Having a strong pair of headphones or going another layer deep into the room’s closet and repeating the packing process also helps.

Learn to be silent. The game is nearly two and a half hours in, and in the rush of avoiding kick-off only a single bag of Lays and half a sleeve of Ritz made it upstairs in the escape. And since the Ritz have run out, and Mom and Dad only buy the nasty flavored Lays, it’s time to make a food run. After unpacking the blankets and heading down the stairs, the only thing in the way of the kitchen is the living room. This means heavy stealth is required, since Mom and Dad have a rule against food in the bedroom. On game day though, all bets are off. Okay, well, maybe not for Mom and Dad, but that’s exactly why stealth is required. Sneaking silently behind them is hard, seriously. Because of that it’s probably best to wait at the bottom of the steps until Todd Boeckman passes off to someone who ends up making a 40-year sprint towards touchdown. Mom will start screaming and Dad will stand up and yell “Go! Go! Go!” while pumping his fist into the air like Judd Nelson on repeat. This is the time to run. Make a break for the pantry and grab the closest box of something you can find. Make sure to grab a water bottle or something before leaving the kitchen, it will be sorely needed after downing half a bag of Cheez-its in fifteen minutes.

Be brave. Okay, Grandma called and needs to know ASAP what the number for the vet’s office is. Grandma is on hold in the kitchen, awaiting Mom’s response. This means only the worst, interrupting Mom. Traditionally, waiting for commercial is the proper way to handle this, but Grandma thinks Meeka may have eaten a bar of chocolate, this is an emergency situation and cannot wait. The best way to handle breaking Mom out of her football fueled mania is to approach from the side. Much like a wild beast, walking straight at her will cause her to attack, but coming up and startling her from behind could prove potentially fatal. Approaching from the side, give her ample time to notice someone is coming towards her. It might also be smart to make quiet, reassuring noises, though this is only needed if the Buckeyes are losing. Shaking her arm gently, inform her of the situation and its urgency, and most likely she will go and help Grandma just as fast as she can.

Football season is a stressful time in any Ohio household, but in one where the parents are rabid fans whose entire existence boils down to screaming in front of a 40” HD plasma screen TV bought for the sole purpose of being able to see individual beads of sweat drip down Terrelle Pryor’s forehead, it can step beyond stressful and into sheer insanity. But by staying safe, staying alert, and making sure Grandma’s phone number is on speed dial, surviving the season may just be possible. If we get to play-off’s though? Well, spending the night at a friend’s house may just be best.


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