Unsettled mind

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: True Confessions  |  House: Booksie Classic
Reminiscing, realizations and more confusions.

Submitted: August 04, 2012

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Submitted: August 04, 2012




Sad, Confused, Disappointed, Desperate, Waiting: What am I?


Even reminiscing gives me a feeling so natural and relieving. What is missing? Just saw a movie, ‘Seeking a friend for the end of the world’. Placed in UK, made me remember what I often forget. I could recognize the houses, the names, the signs that put me back there (I studied in the UK, now I am back, home, and busy with my new business). And then later that day, there was Google Maps, with Street View, to further refresh my memories. Here are some immediate reactions:


Definitely makes me sad, because I miss all of it. And also cause now I realize impossible. If only there was an option to quit and run. From the movie, the closing scene was really important to me: the bright light, the thump and the deep hum. A part of me wishes to be there, a part of that ending. That thought puts me at a better place. A place where me and her were so safe together. Life was so easy. The bright light was a new beginning. Thump was the signal and the hum was what made me scared to the new beginning.


Am I doing it right? Why is this feeling deep inside so rare, what is it that I am not realizing, but , my sub-conscious knows that feeling and it is so nice. I need to feel more of this. I know I become unsettled after all this, but, it is one of the purest feelings that I get. It’s a reminder of what true goodness is like. So what is missing? Is it her?  That life with her earlier, just the two of us, did make me feel the same. I need to know whether it is the place, or is it her? I have to confess a lot of signs that reminds me of that past, those houses, names, signs, roads, etc. often invariably brings back some memory of her.


I often wonder what is it that is missing, and thats probably is what makes me disappointed. I should know. I deserve to know. I want to try to be happy, or at least happier. The fact that I am talking about this, and yet not aware of what I need to have a passion for, makes it clear to me that I am clueless.


These days are rare when I am forced to think and write my thoughts. I started writing, feeling that the more I write, the more I would realize. What I realized is that writing can calm you for now, but that’s it. This honesty only gives a slight support, but the desperation within is sustained. It will again stir up at the slightest signal. And I hope that then I am able to tell myself by words what thoughts lie within. That day I will be waiting for.






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