God! I feel Sick

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
Why did we do it?! Its fuckin' stupid... I mean, it can't be very good for our teeth.
This is just a quick account of what I do at work...

Submitted: April 16, 2007

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Submitted: April 16, 2007



Okay, well last night was a little bit silly. We did it at work, so it's not like we can say we were drunk or anything. It was just getting late, we had practivally shut the restaurant by now, it was about 11 o'clock.

First stupid act: play with fire!

Go out to the back of the restaurant (I'm a waiter, is that obvious?) and take with you: matches, foil, sprayable flammable liquid stuff and, a lot of "absolutely no common sense!" First it was ok, the typical guy thing of light the match then letting it burn. Soon that gets boring, so we're like a small group of monkeys climbing over anything and everything to see what we can light matches on. This would include walls, fences, large bins, pavements, bits of car, roofing, and of course air conditioning units. After getting bored of this, though immensely fun it definately was, we decided to cool down a bit; translates to: sit down and play with fire. So, get this shit! My boss, yes, the fuckin A manager! shows myself and my partner at the time how to make two matches explode using tin foil and a little bit of bottled fire. Some quick instructions: first get two NON-safety matches, position them so the ignitable part of the match - the match heads - is touching each other, wrap that part of your new toy in foil, so the result is like a really long match with foil in the middle. This bit is the exciting part! Get lighter, or other match ready. Hold one end of the homemade contraption and point at wall, floor, air or closest person's easily lit shirt. Hold a naked flame under the foil, so the heat of the flame causes the two match heads inside to ignite simultanously, but the foil acts as a kind of barrel and propels the burning matches at chosen target. Its actually quite impressive. Im pretty sure all of this could have probably got any one of us fired, and the boss is on probation - so best this goes no further between us ok? To clinch the deal I reach for the flammable spray stuff, its literally just loads of oil, with a lot of what is widely referred to as 'ummph'. I'm up first. I pull my shirt sleeve up my arm and make a flat hands, fingers closed. Then, my boss covers my hands with this stuff. It is actually in heaps on my hand, top and bottom so its covered. Getting out his phone, my partner in crime tapes the whole experiance. One, two, three... Light the hand! My hand is just a big blue flame, at least two feet in length. I dont feel any pain or even the heat. Until the part of my hand that wasn't covered properly gets touched by the flame. Fuck! Its a fuckin blue flame! Its as hot as hell, and now i've got this burn at the base of my little finger and God does it sting. Like a bitch it does! Fine, enough of fire we retreat into the restaurant to see what we can find.

Second (and last) Stupid Act: Eating/Drinking not very nice foodstuffs.

Going inside the building we find Lady (I'm chosing to call her lady so not to tell you her real name, its not very original but it makes sense). She had been tidying the restaurant floor, while we had alledgedly been tidying the kitchen. But now we wanted to include her in our fun. Bring on the lemons! Boss gets out a whole tray of the little yellow fruit. Cutting two of them in half he passes one whole half to my partner, and then takes all the skin of my half. My partner first, he takes the lemon and sucks all the fleshy part of it straight of the skin. Remarkeably he has kept a straight face all the way through, but then as he rushes to the sink and starts gagging we realise it was just an act. After seeing that i do it anyway, and place the cut up portion of lemon with my name on it in my mouth. Then I chew it. Then I swallow it. Honestly, I dont know what all the fuss was about, though it is disgusting! The boss lays down the guantlet by squeezing two lemons in a small cup, only a few seeds get in the cup.He then takes the cup and puts the whole sour liquid in his mouth, swishes it in his mouth, ten as the seeds get stuck in his teeth and cheecks he gags and chucks the whole lot into the sink. Disgusting? Only a little. The Lady then goes for it. Three whole squeezed lemons, squeezed by my own hands, pips and all. Taking deep breaths she grasps the cup firmly in her left hand. Then in one swift fluid motion her neck tilts back and the acid juice shoots down her throat. Wow, this is a feat well done, with style. Its a littlbe bit ruined by her running to the sink about five seconds after swallowing, gaging and bringing up stomach acid and lemon juice. Still, great respect for that woman.To finish of its my turn. But I won't be drinking lemon juice, oh no. Instead I get to play with tabasco sauce - the spiciest food sauce on the market today. Not having any shot glasses available at work, we used a ramikin (its for holding sauce and maybe a wee bit smaller) my boss filled the little bugger to the brim with the sauce. I could actually smell it from where i was standing, about five metres away! The guys got out their phones to film it, this was not something they could miss. The deal wasn't to just swallow the stuff though, I had to swish it in my mouth for thirty seconds first, then swallow the lot. Believe me, if you have not done this, then dont ever be tempted! Its not very pleasant. The spice was bareable when it was in my mouth, but as soon as I swallowed it was hell. My nose ran, i choked, and my ears were tearing uncontrollably. Furthermore, after I got over the initial fits I had to eat ice nonstop for the next 45 minutes - this resulted in my mouth goin numb, apart from the tip of my tongue which stayed all tingly..

Though hopefully being a little bit amusing , this was meant to warn future idiots of misbehaving. Firstly, if your gonna shot tabasco, have milk handy...its really good for soothing tongues. And secondly, if you're gonna set your hand alight make sure the flammable stuff entirely covers your hand! If it doesnt you're gonna get blisters from the burn (i'm writing this the next day so I know you get these blisters, pop like a bitch!) Tip: lemon juice is really nice on burns, kinda soothing...

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