Dragon Eyes

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Young Adult  |  House: Booksie Classic
Sometimes there's a darkness deeper inside

Submitted: August 22, 2015

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Submitted: August 22, 2015

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I think I'm doing right by you

But suddenly I've made you mad

I do more than you ask of me

But I still "should have done that"

The kids they watch you with wonder

Not the wonder of a child to his hero father

But the wonder of which dad you will be today

Will you love me or hate me today?

One day it's peaceful here, we talk and laugh and dance

Actually, just earlier, you danced with me

And you sang to me in the kitchen,

Rocked me back and forth, whispering those words

But fast forward an hour later

Dinner time is a war zone

My eating disorder lingers on the tip of my mind

Control, control, out of control

"I just want things to be consistent for the kids"

You told the judge

But one meal, eat or don't eat

The next meal, eat or sit there

The next meal, eat or get a whipping

Then... eat. Just eat.

Screaming now, JUST EAT.

And I tuck my head because I don't want that aimed at me

I shovel my own food in until the hiccups start

And my stomach cramps

And every part of me wants to go throw it all up

But I tuck my head and listen

And I watch them cry

My heart breaks

And they beg me to override the rules

Beg me to let them out of the unpredictable contracts you put them in

And I cant.

I can't because I am a coward

I can't because I can't handle your wrath sometimes

I can't because it wouldn't do any good

Like the night you tore the bedroom apart

Screaming and threatening to leave me

Your rage nonverbally threatening to hurt me

Breaking furniture and spewing hatred in my face

And that night I was terrified

I saw a side of you I had never seen before

Those eyes I fell in love with,

Those eyes that looked deep into my soul

Those eyes that time and time again gave me comfort

Were suddenly dragon eyes

Suddenly on fire

And it was like the world stopped spinning

The pedistal I had you on, the respect and the devotion,

It all came into question when I saw that part of you

And love should love the good and the bad

And love should love the deepest darkest parts of us

But that part of you is a darkness I had never seen before

But now it is a frequent visitor at our dinner table

Now it has control of the children and with a flip of a switch

There it is again

Jekyle and Hyde

But it's bed time, so

Now it has control of me

Dragon eyes

Nothing I do will ever be good enough

Nothing they do will ever be good enough

Nothing you do will ever take it back

I'm getting tired now

I'm getting weaker

I'm medicating myself to deal with it all

I tried so hard

I gave so much

But one day so much will be too much

But for you it will still never be enough

I'm sorry that I tried to love

To fix, to help, to follow

To give, to share, to hold

Your dragon eyes.


© Copyright 2019 Aedyn. All rights reserved.

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