Two men are walking down the street when they spot a squirrel leisurely crossing the street, minding his own business, eating nuts and such when WHAM! Poor thing is hit by fairly large out of place rig speeding down a suburban neighborhood with a speed limit of 25 mph. Clearly the man was in a hurry: probably rushing to get to the Burger King before it closed.
M1: “Dear, God! Poor squirrel was just hit. Did you see that?”
Man 2 proceeds to turn his head in Mission Impossible slow motion in the direction to which Man 1 was gesturing to hysterically.
M2: “I don’t see a thing.”
M1: “How could you not see that steaming pile of pure red adulterous gore!?”
M2: “I… I just don’t see it.”
M1: “Bloody hell! Its right in your face!”
M2: “ I don’t see why you’re blowing this so out of proportion. Did you know the squirrel?”
M1: “ What?”
M2: “Were you acquainted with that creature?”
M1: “W-well no-“
M2: “So we eat it.”
M2: “ I’m hungry, and clearly that was left to us by some divine force.”
M1: “I’m not eating a squirrel!”
M2: “You’re quite dramatic. Did you know that? Were you always like that?”
Man 2 strolls into the middle of the street, stoops down onto his knees and pulls out a Spork.
Man1 proceeds to watch Man 2 in slightly less animated hysteria, twitching his fingers, and wondering why his friend carries Sporks around.
M1: “At least get him out of the street!”
M2: “She is a lady. You would know this if you grabbed a Spork and dined with me.”
M1: “I don’t carry Sporks.”
M2: “What kind of man doesn’t have the decency to carry a Spork?”
Man 1 was contemplating an educated answer his comrade’s question when WHAM! Man 2 was hit by a speeding nut rig going 70 mph with a label on it’s side reading “We carry handfuls of nuts: sometimes one, two, or three nuts at a time! Fill your mouth with delicious salty nuts today!”
M1: Cries “The Gods! The Gods! There’s your divine force, dammit!”
Shrieked a squirrel just two feet away from Man 1, causing the man to leap literally out of his shoes.
M1: “Bloody hell was that?”
S2: “What reason could you possibly have for shrieking?”
S1: “Did you not see the human get brutally murdered by that giant machine?”
S2: “If I did?”
S1: “It was inhuman!”
M1: “Why are you talking!”
S2: “What do you know about humanity? Did you know the human?”
S2: “Were you acquainted with that human?”
M1: “Wait a minute…”
S1: “Well no but-“
S2: “Then we feast.”
M1: “No! That is my friend!”
S2 proceeds to look nonchalantly at M1.
S2: “… How well did you know him…”
M1: “What do you mean how well did I know him!?”
Cat: “Enough! I have seen way too much for my liking and I’ve established that you all three need a therapist. Preferably Freud. Maybe a bit of shock therapy…. Hmmm yes, I would love to watch that: hair flying about and such. You all stupidly drooling like dogs....”
S2: “How dare you! I should have you know that we squirrel are far more superior than those mangy canines.”
M1: “Wait… Where’s my friend?”
Cat: “ I ate him.”
© Copyright 2016 AemmaBella. All rights reserved.
Poem / Non-Fiction
Poem / Non-Fiction
Poem / Humor
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