Defeated, and Ruined

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: True Confessions  |  House: Booksie Classic
My feelings with depression. The past, that brought me to where I am today.

Submitted: December 13, 2011

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Submitted: December 13, 2011

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Defeated, and ruined.  He took something from me.  He took pieces of me.  I gave my all, to make him happy, I became someone I am not, for his approval.  I am broken, lost, and ashamed.  I am still trying to figure out who I am.  Allowing myself to take on adult roles when I wasn’t ready, tore me.  I am not happy.  I am not myself.  No matter what I do, I am never satisfied with who I am, because he was never satisfied.  Defeated, and ruined.  I am my own worse enemy.  I see myself how others see me.  Useless, fat, no confidence.  What happened?  I never used to care or let a man destroy me the way my father had.. I looked highly of myself.  I believed in myself.  I had goals, and ambitions.  I am not satisfied.  I do not feel beautiful, inside and out.  I feel ashamed.  I am disgusted with myself.  I am broken.  How do I fix myself?  How can I take back the stolen pieces and act like I don’t care?  Where is my respect towards myself?  I am screaming on the inside for a conversion.  I want me back.  I used to share the Word of God.  I knew the Word in my heart, and I lived an abundant life.  I do not feel Him.  I doubt His existence.  I don’t think.  About anything the way I used too.  Where has my perspective on life, my life, gone? 
 
Defeated.  He broke me.  He took my happiness, and threw it in my face.  He’s everywhere.  On my mind, in my dreams, in other’s conversations.  Hell, I am the conversation being secretly held as if I was not standing 3 feet away.  He is in my cryptic thoughts.  It hurts to breathe when his name appears in sight and through speech.  He is condescending and he took advantage.  
 
Ruined.  My soul is lost.  My mind is in a constant daze.  How did this happen?  He made me believe I was naive and unintelligent.  I feel inferior, hurt, cheated, and wrongfully accused.  I need my sanity back, but I don’t know where to start. 
 
-Ashli Greenlee


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