Life Loving and After Leaving
It has been a while since I’ve talked about the man I once loved. This man had been the one who made me realised I could do many things I thought I could not. Like loving someone for example. I have always thought loving someone is the most stupid thing to do. Anyway, I am not the kind of person who enjoys being controlled so initially I am someone who just preferred to be alone, to daydream in my own world. I believe that love exists but to a certain point that it had never really existed. That was one of the reasons why I had enjoyed being alone and daydream in what I called my “imaginary world”. In fact, I am still doing it till the present days but less so I would say. Those imaginary things I imagine were one of the many reasons why writing stories became my hobby. But I had never published them then. I never knew there were writing sites like Booksie.
But before I get sidetracked with my story, I want to tell you a tale of the man I once loved. This man made me realise I have been quite silly because I rather be alone than to be controlled, and to imagine what true love is like than really experience it. This man made me fell madly in love with him, made me do childish thing willingly all because I fell for him. I had never liked anyone this much, seriously. I’ve had crushes before but never fell seriously in love with them. But this man is different. I don’t know what kind of charm he possesses which made me crave for his presence every single day. I don’t know why, but I really liked seeing him. I don’t know if it’s because of the way he smiles, he laughs or he frown. All I knew then, seeing him was the only way I can keep smiling. I can’t help smiling when he’s around. He isn’t charming or dashing like my previous boyfriends but every word that came out from his lips is enough to make me smile and happy for the whole day.
Ever since his presence in my life, I had never missed school. I used to hate school and the only reason why I came to school was to receive some decent education for the sake of my parents who had paid my school fees. Anyway, who doesn’t hate school? You’ll have to wake up at 6.30 am every morning and drag your sleepy feet to school and listen to the teachers nag, nag, nag (in other case, my Physics teacher who loves shouting at the top of his voice). School will end at 2.10pm if it’s on Wednesday and if it’s Friday, it’ll probably end later than 12.10 pm if there was a school assembly. But despite all this crazy routine I did for the past three years of my secondary school life, I finally enjoyed everything that happened in school, all because of his presence. Even the teacher’s shouting could not ruin my mood. It’s like miracle. It’s like love has sort of power or brains that gives me hope. These hopes could no longer match my “imaginary world”. These hopes were better than just imagining it. I mean at time when you think something like ‘I hope he likes me too’, it makes you feel that there is actually hope and worth living even if he confesses that he might not have romantic feelings for you.
Suddenly I realised that I became greedy. I tried not to hope too much. But I did. I tried hard not to fall too deep for him. But I did. I tried to forget him, shut myself in my room, forcing myself back to daydream in my “imaginary world”. But I couldn’t. I could no longer do that. It was difficult. I tried to shut my eyes, but I saw him in my dreams. I tried shutting my ears so that I would not yearn to hear his voice again but it didn’t work because he would suddenly text me and it was just as good as hearing his voice. I tried to stop breathing even though I couldn’t possibly do that because I miss his smell. It was actually amazing that I had bothered to remember every detail about him. His face, his voice and his smell. It could drive me crazy not seeing, hearing or smell him for just one day. It was as though I had been completely possessed by him.
I never told a soul about my feelings for him. I bottled everything up. I was afraid my friends would find out about this so I pretended to maintain a certain distance away from him, preferring to watch him surrounded by other giggling, short-skirted girls and feel a stab in my heart. But sometimes, I couldn’t stand it. I would seek for him when he was alone and have a friendly chat. At times, I almost told him of my feelings. It was really suffocating to keep everything as a secret. It felt all the feelings I felt – the happiness, the sadness, the disappointment, the pain and the love—were choking me like a thick blanket. It was hard to suppress a smile when he was around. He likes jokes and he enjoys gossiping with me at times. He was funny. There were many times that I had forgotten to do many things because I was with him. When I’m with him, everything was driven out from my mind. I only want to smile, to laugh, to remember everything he said, every detail of expression he’s wearing. I want to remember him.
But after he left, you don’t know how hard it was for me to come back and live in my “imaginary world”. His cruel presence had all been a reality and I wasn’t daydreaming. It was difficult. I didn’t know which is dream and whish is real. I wished he was only a dream but he had been too real to be a dream. I was distraught. I wanted to cry but I couldn’t because the tears wouldn’t come out. I fell sick and lost my appetite. I kept remembering his smile, his laugh, his jokes and his expression and I burst into tears. I broke down completely. It was as though there was no more hope. I felt as though I’d never be able to feel happy again. It felt as though he had taken everything away from me when he left. It was so painful that I actually thought of taking my life. I chose to take a slower and much more suffering path. I tried starving myself. I was already ill for so many days, why not just end it? But I didn’t die. I was brought to see a doctor and the doctor chided me because I was too skinny. He thought that I was undergoing diet. But when I got home, I had actually bothered to swallow the medicines that the doctor had prescribed. I got better but still weak. I fall ill often and always skipped school. The only reason why school became the place I truly grew detest was because every corner around the school was filled by memories of him.
I tried many ways to forget him. It was difficult for me to keep my mind on many things. I am a person with many responsibilities in school but I left everything. I cast aside my duties and focused on one thing I had on my mind: to forget him. I heard people say if you work hard on something, you’ll eventually be able to forget unhappy events. But the memories of those times when I was alone with him studying subjects after subjects for exam kept coming back to me. To open a maths textbook is a torture for me. My sister said listening to songs will help you heal all those painful wounds you had in your heart. She suggested a variety. But none succeeded. From Beyonce to Avril Lavigne. Then to local singers like Hady Mirza and Taufik Batisah, it never really helped me. I cried more than ever in fact. It was all then I realise how weak I was actually. Love could affect me greatly. It was amazing to think how wonderful it had been and how painful it can get.
My best friend suddenly suggested on a few online games. She said she needed friends to play and I agreed. I had never really liked playing computer games. But gradually, I got addicted. Addicted but not to the extent that I had stuck my face on the computer screen until midnight. But the addiction helped a lot although it made me become a completely an irresponsible student in school for not doing my duties well. The addiction drove him temporarily out of my mind. In class, I think of nothing but think of the next strategy for the battle in the online game. It helped but it worsened my marks in school. I was failing plenty of subjects and was not able to catch up in my studies.
One night, I was browsing through my document folder in my laptop and found several stories I had written before I met him. The stories were part of my imagination. They were sweet and beautiful. Somewhere in my heart, I actually wished that it really happened to me. Then I had a sudden thought of sharing my stories worldwide. It doesn’t matter to me I would get criticism but I want to share my works, my ideas, and my imaginaries. Through Google search engine, I found Booksie and I’ve been writing ever since. Writing in Booksie had stopped my addiction on computer games though I played some games on my free time. But all in all, I’ve managed my life well ever since I joined Booksie. I keep telling myself to be responsible and write more stories to update people when I promised them to. I was too irresponsible then, all because of love and pain. But now I’ve graduated from my secondary school and am glad to do so. I managed to get my priorities right. I’ve registered in my new school and can’t wait to start school in April. It has been eight months since he left. Even though, I might think of him sometimes, all I can say I am over him. I got over him finally. I know I might fall in love again someday, but I will never forget the way he made me act silly and childish because of love.
© Copyright 2017 Ah Zee. All rights reserved.
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