It Could've been better

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Other  |  House: Booksie Classic
Who would've thought a simple smile could turn your whole world upside down?

Submitted: December 08, 2011

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Submitted: December 08, 2011

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They looked at each other and smiled.

That was when I knew that nothing will ever be the same anymore. All those sweet promises proved to be nothing but empty words. I was lied to. I was too infatuated by him that I was blinded.

In other words, I was stupid to believe in him. The hands that used to caress me to sleep every night for the past two years had been caressing other women too, and that thought crushed my heart beyond repair.

No wonder he had been so distant, rejecting my hugs and kisses. All those self-blaming sessions were futile because I wasn’t clearly the problem.

Before I could even do anything, tears started rolling down my cheek. I could taste the salty tears and my eyes stung. Letting the tears fell, as they blended with the water from the shower, I cried silently. This had become a routine for me. Crying in the shower.

A feeling of uneasiness suddenly went over me. The irregular eating habits were finally taking effect, I said to myself. It is very true though, as I turned into an emaciated version of myself. I had always said that love will never get in the way of me and food, but I guess I was wrong. I swallowed my words, each one of them. Who could ever eat when your man is playing with another woman behind her back?

A bile rose up my throat as I threw up the contents of my stomach. Bits of pancake from breakfast were seen as it was slowly washed away into the drain. It left a bitter taste in my mouth.

Just like what I felt then.

I stared at nothing for a few minutes before reality came over me that I had been in the shower for almost half an hour. My fingers started to show signs of being in the water for too long. I turned off the tap and grabbed the towel to cover myself. The bathroom mirror showed a reflection of a pale, tired-looking blond. The reflection sighed and I got out of the bathroom.

“ What were you doing in there? Our pizza arrived ages ago,” James asked.

Our. That word struck my raw nerve in every corner.

“Oh, you know, girls’ stuff,” I managed to squeak out. Thank God my eyes didn’t show any signs of crying.

“Okay, then. Hurry up and get dressed! I’ll be waiting in front of the TV. The Simpsons is on and you know how much I love that show!” he winked at me and dashed out to the living room.

Yes, I knew how much you worship The Simpsons. How you didn’t like your pizza getting soggy and feet wet. In fact, I knew everything about you. Every miniscule detail and was all that about to change? Did she knew everything about you too?

I chose my cute pyjamas with hello kitty prints for the night. At least it made me smile from ear-to-ear. Hello Kitty had always been my favourite cartoon character and I didn’t do anything to hide that fact. Everyone knew about my obsession and I had a closetful of Hello Kitty collectibles, for which I treasure until now.

I looked at myself into the mirror and practiced turning the frown upside down.

“You can do it, Anna! Tonight will be the best night ever, so don’t ever be sad!” I chanted the motivational words over and over until I felt confident again. With the confidence of ten businessmen, I marched to the living room in my fuzzy pink slippers.

“Guess who!” I started off the night playfully as I sneaked behind James and covered his eyes.

“Hmmm, who would it be? Could it be Aunt Mary, because you have such wrinkly and rough hands here,” he said as he burst out laughing, totally oblivious to me fuming behind him.

I squeezed his eyeballs and harshly let go as I walked furiously to the couch. I crossed my arms and stuck out my lower lips, emphasizing on how angry I felt.

“I kid you, Anna. You have the softest hand ever,” he stopped laughing and kissed my cheek instead.

My heart skipped a beat. Oh how he had such an impact on me.

I stopped my tantrums and focused on the pizza and television that was in front of me. Happily chewing on the pepperoni-filled pizza, suddenly a familiar ringtone filled the air.

Lying in my bed, I hear the clock ticking. I think of you~

James reached for his cell phone that was on the table. His eyes widened for a moment as he looked at the display screen. I looked uninterested of his actions, but in reality, I already knew who was calling. From the corner of my eyes, I could see him looking at me as he said;

“Excuse me while I take this call. It’s from my office and it looks rather urgent,” he stuttered, guilt and fear evident in his words. His smile quivered as I stared at him.

“I don’t mind. Just take the call.”

He rushed to the other side of the house. A part of me wanted to follow him and eavesdrop on his conversation, but fortunately my conscience was telling myself to just wait patiently. As they say, patience is golden.

I went to the kitchen to get a glass of water when I heard his low whispers. I hid myself behind the kitchen wall, conscience ignored as I listened to my heart and eavesdropped.

“I’ll tell her eventually. Just be patient…that’s not it! I love you, but you know how we’ve been together for two years now. This will break her.”

I was already broken, James.

“ Just give me a few weeks. Ok, days! Just give me a few days to settle everything. I’m suffering, too. I just don’t have the heart to do it, Fiona.”

At least he was still concerned about me. I took a deep breath and mustered all of my courage to do the next step.

“What do you want to tell me, James?” I suddenly made myself audible and visible. My voice stern.

His eyes widened and bid goodbye to the person on the other line as fast as lightning. Hands shaking as he looked down, afraid to make eye-contact.

“James, look at me. What is going on?” My inquiry hung in the air as he kept on being silent.

I know everything, James. Just tell me and get it over with.

I walked to him slowly and touched his face. It was cold to the touch and I ran my fingers through his hair, smelling his scent. I looked directly into his eyes and we made eye-contact for a few seconds until I snapped to reality.

Those were the soft eyes that attracted me the most. I didn’t want to be pulled again into this web of lies, or it would be very hard to let go.

I whispered closely to his ears, “It’s okay, James. Please… don’t do this to me and just get it over with.”

My last sentence shocked the highlights out of him as he realized the obvious.

“Anna…it’s hard to…I...,” he tried to find the right words to describe everything, but failed.

“It happened so quickly, Anna. I wasn’t sure of what happened either, but it happened. I’m so very sorry. I loved you, Anna, I really did love you.”

He did love me. Did. Why did it felt so different in the past tense?

“What happened actually?” I asked in a very soft tone, almost inaudible to human ears. Eyes still in contact with his, but my vision was slowly blurring.

He met Fiona on one of his business meetings. They clicked instantly and became friends. Friendly feelings turned into passion rather quickly as Fiona’s soft-hearted nature would attract any men. James wasn’t excluded. They had been going out since five months ago and I just found out last week.

I didn’t know what crushed my heart more. The fact that my boyfriend was hiding that for five months until now or the fact that he stopped loving me five months ago.

“I saw you guys at the coffee shop last week. I was getting my daily dose of caffeine when I saw you entering the café, linking hands with a woman,” tears started to fall like a torrent. The cat was out of the bag and I wasn’t afraid of showing my feelings anymore. Everything was over then.

He looked at me helplessly as he didn’t know how to react to me breaking down. Typical of James, he never did know how to calm me whenever I cried. Such an awkward turtle he was.

It was alright, though at the time. I didn’t need any consolation from anybody.

That night, James held me in his arms to sleep. I knew that his guilt were probably killing him inside and it was the least that he could do. His lips didn’t stop apologizing for hurting me and that was enough assurance for me that he was feeling sorry that everything turned out this way.

We were just not meant to be together.

I cried myself to sleep in the safety of his care. That was the last time I ever slept with him.

I went to the hospital the next day because of the occasional queasiness that I had been feeling. Maybe the hospital could give me some supplements, I thought. It was a long time since I had a full body check up anyway.

The results of my check up shocked me to the very core. My feelings were all mixed up and I could feel a slur of emotions. I cried when the doctor broke the news, knowing that it would be hard to handle everything after what had happened. The doctor gave me an official slip of my check-up result and I clenched it tightly, refusing to look at it.

The bus ride home was a very long one. I was so occupied with my own thoughts that I missed my bus stop. I rang the bell, signalling for the bus driver to stop and got off a few kilometers away from my house. As I reached home, I got across James bringing his suitcase and boxes out of the house.

“I have to leave now, Anna. I’m very sorry, again. Just hope that we will meet again in the next life. Maybe we will have another chance,” he hugged me tenderly and loaded his things in the car.

Then I remembered.

“Wait, James. I have something to tell you. I...I’m… Never mind,” I decided not to tell him. He was better off without knowing anything.

He waved me a goodbye and I stood there silently. Watching his car disappear from sight in time. I reached for the paper in my pocket and examined the content of the letter. Tears started to fall again.

There on the paper, all in bold and huge lettering.

I was pregnant.

“I wish you for the best in life, James. I will keep this baby,” I said to myself, eyes all swollen ascribed to the non-stopping tears.

At least a piece of James will always be with me.

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A/N : A new writer here! ^^ Please do comment!


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