Asukas Change

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Other  |  House: Booksie Classic
A scene from my novel in which Asuka meets change. Will she come ou the winner?

Submitted: November 30, 2011

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Submitted: November 30, 2011

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As she sat at the table she thought of her life. Where was she going? What was she doing? Did it all feel right or was she just covering up that which was missing? She didn’t know. Asuka just did what felt right even if it wasn’t the best choice. She knew the risks of all her actions. She knew she had only herself to blame if things did not work out the way she planned them too. So, why was she so depressed? Why was she so stressed? She was happy. She had a great boyfriend. She had kids that loved her and whom she loved dearly. She was attending the art university of her dreams. What was missing? She had everything she could think about wanting. Why this feeling? Why wasn’t she completely happy? Was her happiness all a lie?

“Fuck, I feel like shit,” she said as she poured gin into a cup, “Why do I do this to myself?” All she could think of was her short comings, her fears, her hatred of love and life. She muttered to herself, “Life fucking sucks ass,” as she closed the bottle of gin and placed it on the table. Taking her cup in hand she sipped the gin, letting it burn and dry her mouth. Why did this feel so good to her at this point in time? Was she an alcoholic? Did she drink just to relax? Whatever it was she didn’t mind. Drinking let her forget all about herself. It made her forget all the heartache she felt, all the pain that was inside. She placed the cup on the table and reached for something on a nearby shelf. What was it she reached for? “Now, where’s my lighter?” she asked herself as she pulled a cigarette out of a pack. Finding her lighter she put the cigarette in her mouth and lit it.

“I really hate smoking,” she muttered, “but I’ll die of something one day anyway.” Why this attitude. Did she really not care about herself? Did she hate herself that much? “Maybe,” she said with little effort. “Maybe I do hate myself,” she said softly, “Maybe I’m just drowning myself hoping for death.” With saying that, she started to smoke, taking in the pleasure of each puff. Slowly she let the smoke out before taking another drag. “This shit sucks,” she thought to herself while taking another puff, “Maybe…I don’t know.” She didn’t know why she felt like this. All she knew was that she felt horrible, depressed, agonized. Why? She couldn’t think of any reason to feel like this. As she continued to smoke she considered seeing a counselor. She knew she had too. Her kids needed her too. If she wanted to have a successful relationship with Haru she needed to sort everything out. Yet, she thought about the need. She had lived most of her life feeling this way. If she changed it now how would she become. “Dang it,” she screamed.

At that moment she felt nothing but rage. She balled her fist up and knocked her gin filled cup off the table, letting it spill onto the hardwood floor of her kitchen. Almost immediately she kicked the chair in front of her, making it crash into a cabinet with a frightening thud. Did she care if anyone heard her? She didn’t care. She wasn’t thinking she was letting this rage out. “Why?” she asked herself before falling to the floor in tears, “Why am I like this?” She could do nothing more then cry. Rage and sadness had become a normal nightly routine for Asuka. She never showed this raw emotion in front of anyone, she waited to be alone. Her roommates where never home when she did things like this. She made sure her kids where asleep. Not even her boyfriend knew of these moments. Why was she hiding this from everyone? She couldn’t bare to think about them seeing her like this. She didn’t want them to worry about her. Just the thought of people caring that much about her made her cry more.

She sat, crying, for an hour. Finally, she sat up and wiped the tears from her eyes. She noticed the spilled gin and just laid in it. Why would she do such a thing? Was it that self-hatred? No, she was exhausted. She needed to lay down and she did not want to get up and go somewhere else to do so. She just laid there, letting her clothing soak up the gin. Her hair became wet with gin and it stung at a cut on her face. She couldn’t feel any of it as she just laid there staring into what seemed like space. After a moment of staring off into nothing she fell asleep. She fell asleep in her now gin soaked clothing.


© Copyright 2017 Akira Vladimir. All rights reserved.

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