Lucidity: Morpheus' Dream

Forgive me for this, but that was one hell of a chapter ending!! You successfully get the reader caught up in the hero’s fight, then——CLIFFHANGER!!! Can’t wait to see what you do next!

A bit more of a calmed down chapter, emotional and tender, but remaining true to the plot. Well done. I didn't notice many errors, and the ones I did notice were just missing quotations and such, which I think is probably just an editing issue. Haha. Anywho, great chapter Akuma. I'll be off to the next at some point. Hopefully soon but no guarantees with my erratic schedule, hahaha.

Great chapter Akuma. I really don't have much to say, as our mutual friend Chey has outdone me, once again. Hahaha. I will say that your emphasis on dialogue description has improved; but be careful not to fall into the habit of dialogue tagging each line. Less is more in this case (though it's more like "find a happy medium" haha) anywho, I like the change in the storyline. The beginning chapters were more survival oriented; emotion was barely present, but now, survival plays little, where emotion rules. Normally such a change is jarring and frowned upon, but you handled it well. I like Morpheus. He seems level-headed and thoughtful, not overly goody two-shoes like most gods. I can't remember if you described his appearance, but I get the image of something like Gandalf in his white form, albeit less clothed. Hahaha. Anywho, I'm gonna stop here before I ramble. Haha. Great chapter man :D

Awesome chapter once again, Akuma. You definitely delivered on the build up of tension between John and Nachtmahr. I'm eager to see how that finally ends up. Will Nachtmahr see the light and change his ways? Or will he foolishly attempt to seek vengeance, leading to his death? Find out next time, on Lucidity: Morpheus' Dreams! Hahaha. I don't have any real critique, but I did leave a few Icomments. Haha. One thing I can say though, is that you should try and focus some of that descriptive ability into the dialogue scenes. Describe their emotions, their actions, their facial expressions, anything and everything when they're talking. As they say, actions speak louder than words. Even though, ironically, their actions will be written in words. Hahaha. That's just an opinion anywho, your dialogue is fine the way it is. I just think that'd add some more spice and shebang to the story. Hahaha.

Well, that chapter went by rather quick. Not a bad thing though! I think it's around the same length as the others, but your action scenes were well written and had me whizzing right through. Awesome chapter. So, John is a bit of a demi-God eh? This makes me think the Sandman you mentioned in the other chapters is actually Morpheus, leading John to this world to fulfil his destiny. Just a thought of mine though, haha. Anywho, I'm eager to read the oncoming battle between John and Nachtmahr! I'm guessing it's gonna be a big one. Great job once again Akuma. I left a couple of Icomments, just some little typos and the like I think. :)

The elusive chapter 5 finally conquered. Twas a fantastic chapter as well. Like the others have said, the descriptive emphasis you placed on the environment and the emotions felt was awesome. Very well done. One thing that I don't think was brought up was your vocabulary. Excellently done, in that respect. You used a broad and tasteful mix of words without it being obvious you were trying to use "big words" as is an issue with a lot of other writers. I enjoyed the further explanation of the lore of your universe included in this chapter as well, it grants a better understanding of the story and allows me to theorize where it might go. Ah, now I finally understand why chapter 5 was eluded to being so mature and all that. I had a feeling it was something related to what happened but I'll admit, I wasn't expecting a fully fledged intimate scene. That being said, it was done well. Wasn't awkward or cringy like a lot are, so good job on that as well. Now comes time for the more critique-ey side. Firstly, I noticed a couple things that I pointed out with some Icomments. Not a big deal, just typos and editing errors I presume. Secondly, dialogue. It feels a bit rushed and not so emotional. I know dialogue wasn't so integral to the story in the beginning chapters (yet to determine if it is later on) but given the heartfelt and emotional value of this chapter, I'd strongly recommend giving the dialogue here a bit more attention. Just a few sentences to give the dialogue some substance, instead of a plain line of words, ya know? Just an opinion. That being said, even apart from the emotional part, the dialogue still felt rushed. Especially compared to the pace of the rest of the story, which was comfortably done. So, on that note, I'd say dialogue needs some attention. Aside from that, fantastic job :D I'll be off to the next chapter soon enough :)

Awesome chapter Akuma. I enjoyed the fight scene between our protagonist and the lava demon/doppelganger. For some reason, I got the image of the Smelter Demon from Dark Souls 2. Likewise, your take on auras and power ups are very interesting as well. I wonder what the extent of this power will be... Anywho, I noticed a couple issues which I pointed out with some Icomments, nothing serious, just a typo it seems.

Fantastic chapter Akuma. I honestly think this was my favorite chapter so far. Your descriptions were top-notch and the world felt so fleshed out and real. I could see every detail of it in my mind. I also enjoyed your random little descriptions that at first seemed out of place, like the squirrel and the bird earlier in the chapter. At first, it seemed a bit intrusive but I quickly changed my mind as I noticed it paint a better picture in my mind. Great job.

It was quite a surprise to see John (I believe that's his name, right? I'll feel pretty embarrassed if it isn't hahaha) Power up like that and enter fisticuffs with a dire wolf. I found myself smirking at that scene hahaha. This falcon also seems gigantic, I wonder, will we see more of it later on?

I have nothing to offer in the way of critique, but I did point a few things out with some Icomments. Great job. :)

So right off the bat one of the smaller issues is the tags. You have the story listed as a first person view, but that would mean you would be saying first person pronouns for John's perspective.

But anyways, as for the story itself I really like the imagery and descriptions you use. They paint a picture really well for the reader and makes the action more engaging.

That being said my biggest issue with this chapter is the dialogue. Some of what John says can feel a bit awk awkward and worded in strange ways.

For example: "Why, just why did it have to be spiders?"

Personal preference but the beginning of that feels off and I feel like his dialogue could have been a bit stronger.

But that being said I really like this! You're a talented author and it shows through your descriptions really well.

Again, this is all my personal opinion so take it with a grain of salt but hope that slightly helps.

Fantastically written Akuma. I enjoyed this thoroughly. Your flow and pacing paired with absolutely masterful descriptive talent makes for a perfect trio. I have no critique to offer, you've written this better than I could have. Fantastic job.

I enjoyed the addition of more character-like individuals in this chapter. I hope you continue to integrate more characters into this story. It seems as though you do have plans for that, as this doppelganger demon creature had said it would reappear at some point.

I also enjoyed your world building. Although we didn't see too much of this place, I could fully imagine this island. Great job :)

A great opening chapter, your world-building is top notch. You've asked me to comment on the general effectiveness (because you're arranging editing services) but there are some things you need to catch BEFORE you send it off (words used out of context, overused words, a few typos). PM me if you want the specifics :)

The pace is good and there are some interesting turns to the plot which kept me engaged. I loved the "dangle" of "she would've understood", it said enough to pique my curiosity without signposting anything- masterfully written there. I don't feel I know the main character, so I'm not connected to him as such (which is a shame) but bugs are icky so it's easy to feel his plight there!

Personally, (and your story, so your rules) I'd have ended the chapter at around the "five feet/chorus" bit. It needs a touch more to build the tension, but that's your hook! If it had ended there, I'd be diving straight to the next chapter to find out what happens next. Either way, it's a great story :)

Very nicely written. Flowed perfectly as well, had me drawn in by the second paragraph. I've never really explored the whole dreamworld idea, but based upon what you've described, it seems very interesting. You're story will be my first experience with this haha. Normally, I'd gripe with how long you made this chapter. However, because it flowed so excellently, I completely change my mind on that. I'll definitely be on to chapter two at some point. As for anything I can point out. Some of your dialogue lines had a comma outside of the quotation. I'd put that inside the quotation, or simply a period. As dialogue has its own rules of punctuation. At least, that's what I've learned through some editorial articles and blogs... they could be wrong hahaha. Anywho, fantastic job. I definitely enjoyed reading :)

I've added my comments to the text - reflecting the points I think a professional editor would make as far as specific passages. Considering the text as a whole, I think I would offer these overall reactions: 1) Is this a dream? Or is it actually happening? If it is a true adventure, we need logistical details. If a dream, then you could allow dream events. He wouldn't have to build maces. They would just appear. 2) Insomnia? Why not see a doctor? An effective backstory would link to the motivation for this journey. Personally, I'm not persuaded why he needs to do all this. What the point of it is. 3) We have no character portrait of our narrator. Just "dude who can't sleep". The fact that there are no details about him means that there's no emotional connection. 4) Make sure your descriptions don't contradict each other. Occasionally, one sentence says one thing. Then another sentence says something else. Make sure everything agrees. Later....

I love reading these review chain requests and getting drawn into the story, without having read the first few chapters. It's like opening a book halfway through, reading a chapter, and loving it so much that you start over on page one. It's an interesting scene, I see a lot of potential here!

Firstly, I notice a lot of run on sentences. You could work on sentence structure a bit, try to keep the story flowing more naturally.

Secondly, the action could be described better. I feel like you're skimming over what could be a great addition to the story here. John fights his way through Hell, then finds the castle he's heading for. At one point just after he arrives at the castle: "It was a fun fight filled with crushing jaws and dismantled ears as well as removed tails for their trouble. I didn't walk away unscathed of course, but the scratches, though rather deep, were healing quite nicely as I entered the doors and began my ascent."

I read 'it was a fun fight' and immediately wanted a play-by-play. How was it fun? I know nothing about how this character fights. Is he a sword guy? Hand to hand, I guess... but with werewolves? Is his combat magically enhanced? Dismantled ears?? I definitely want to know more about that.

Same with the last paragraph - there's so much potential there for exposition. Make it an entire chapter. Training montage!

I went through and icommented on several typos. I suggest you go through and rewrite, editing them all out, changing everything you've icommented on as well. It'll read more cohesively that way.

Keep it up - the visuals your writing brings forth are really interesting. Makes me want to go play Oblivion again ;)

I like the fight parts and the work you put into the details and how the aura works offensively!
The written yelling was kinda narm-y to me, but putting in "pained roar" and whatnot later 'cause you did say you would be editing it would fix that, but only if you agree with me.
I still got the gist of what was going on even though I only read this one chapter way into the story, too, that's good!

This is a great start to something huge for you. Your imagery is excellent and it really paints a picture in the mind of the reader. Great description of everything, making it really pop at the reader. that's the goods of the piece for me so far. The bad is that like I commented in the story, comma placement. Placing commas where none is needed. A thing I like to do, I don't know if you do or not, is that after I write something I reread it as if I was the reader leaving the author perspective out of it, and see how their perspective is. If there is stuff that needs description or work, I leave a note for when I do edit. Or you can always have someone else read it like a grammar or English Comp. person so that way they can give you their opinion. But this is a fascinating story and I'll be checking out the other chapters over time and let you know anything. Great work. If you're interested, I have a book of my own called, "Alice", and it is a twist of Alice in Wonderland, if you want. It needs editing but I'm waiting to get the whole story done before I decide to do that.

Sincerely
Reaper

This is a very intriguing story. Clearly there's a lot that I've missed out on, having started with the 10th chapter, but the overall concept of the story is very interesting. You did a great job creating this bug world, with many detailed descriptions that brought everything to life. It creeped me out a bit, which is a good sign. The various mechanics of this universe also intrigue me, with the different aura powers and the portals and whatnot. One thing I think you could add is how he actually channels and manipulates each different power, like is it just a thought or concentration thing, or does he actually have to use his emotions or channel energy within his body or within nature. You may have already explained this, I'll have to go back and read the previous chapters. Also, I'm not personally a big fan of having explicit thoughts of characters. To me, thoughts are more complex than just words, so I generally like to express thoughts in the third person, in the style of the rest of the story rather than as an internal dialogue. It works with the telepathic communication, just not, in my opinion, when he's just thinking to himself. Again, that's just my personal preference. Other than that, I just noticed a few spelling and grammar mistakes (you used ceased instead of seized), but not many. Overall a great chapter!

Very good rousing storyline... You draw people in, hold their attention, & present a credible read, even while maintaining the Sci-fi! Well done!

I feel like I could say much more had I read the previous chapters, because clearly there is a link I am missing.

Still, well written chapter, even without previous knowledge I could easily grasp the relationship between the characters and get a good insight into their personalities.

I like that this was a fight chapter, there aren't many of those around, at least not in the books I usually read, and the ones that have are way more laid back in their descriptions of how it happened.

I can also see that you dictated the next part of the plot by making Sonja go missing, I hope this is not a bait hehe.

Well I do not really have any suggestions to change, nor anything to criticize, The chapter is good so, that is how I think i should conclude this. Good writting :)

Your descriptions are amazing, I felt like I was entering your imagination. I think it's incredible how you described so much and I think it makes it a lot more interesting. From what I gather, he seems to be going through different lands which are all a different type so I think describing it so vividly really adds a lot of depth to your novel.
I loved all your names for this, they're very creative but what I really like about them is that they still work. Sometimes people get overly creative and come up with names that no one could ever think of knowing how to pronounce, but yours are creative and pronouncable. Also I don't know is Eis is meant to be like ice, but if it is it's really clever and if it's not then it's a clever coincidence.
It's good to know that you got all the icomments, I wasn't sure if they had gone through properly or not. I think most of the icomments I left are little grammar fixes or the wording of a sentence. If you want me to say more about any of them just let me know.
I've just noticed that there's quite a few points in this where the first part of a paragraph is missing a word or has a full stop and it wasn't like that yesterday. I don't know if it's because you've edited it, but it looks like something's stuffed up somewhere and you might just want to check that.
One problem is that you overuse commas, which I also do in abundance. My problem when writing is that I put them where I pause, which is what a comma is meant to do, but I think that there's different pauses when writing as opposed to when reading.
Another small thing is that while you descriptions are amazing I think sometimes the words you use are too fancy, like derriere, which i just saw that you changed. Your descriptions are so strong they don't need to be fancy and overcomplicated.
I'm kind of divided about the sex scene. I had a very innocent childhood so if I had read this before I was 18 I would've been shocked but I know that most teenagers already have some idea of this stuff. I saw that you put a warning somewhere, so I think anyone reading this should be aware now. Honestly though, and this is probably due to my innocent chidhood, I don't like the idea of having sex with someone they only know the name of, and then suddenly being in love. I know there's a mysterious familiarity between them, and that's something I would've liked to see beforehand because it wouldn't of seemed so much like having sex just for the sake of sex. A conversation over a cup of tea would've done it. Saying that I think you wrote it very well; it wasn't crass and it's really easy for it to be crass, so that was good. I think also because you're so descriptive and explicit with everything else in this story, it fits with your style to be explicit here. It doesn't overtake the story or turn it into a different type, which I think can be very easy to do.
I don't know a lot of what's going on in this story but I love your original idea and I still felt that this chapter did progress the story. There did seem to be things in it which gave more information about these places and also built up what's going to happen.
One thing which I think you do really well is hint at things before the truth of them comes out; like with these nightmare crystals there was the suspicion about it beforehand which made it even more interesting when their disastrous truth came out. It's really intriguing to see things hinted at and then have a whole bigger truth be behind it and a very clever thing to do.
Overall this is really good. There's just a couple of minor things which you could work on, but your descriptions are amazing, the idea for this is really interesting and even though I have only read this chapter, there does seem to be a pretty solid structure of progression. You've pretty much got everything for a good novel.