Lucidity: Morpheus' Dream
Reads: 1947 | Likes: 7 | Shelves: 10 | Comments: 34
Book by: Akumakaze
Into the world of Traumwelt, survival specialist, John Stryder embarks on a fantastic journey to end his endless nights of insomnia. Jumping from world to world, hunting weird and terrorizing
creatures, just walking around could kill him at any moment. What adventures lie ahead? Will John find what he is after-- the fabled Sandman, the one who could end his nights of restless sleep.
Into this strange land, he journeys. Who knows what he will find?
Disclaimer:This book is rated Mature due to graphic content in Chapter 5.
Table of Contents
Submitted: June 30, 2015
Submitted: July 07, 2015
Submitted: July 07, 2015
Submitted: September 29, 2015
Submitted: February 23, 2017
Submitted: July 16, 2017
Submitted: August 11, 2017
Submitted: October 20, 2017
Submitted: November 17, 2017
Submitted: January 13, 2018
Submitted: March 11, 2018
Recent Comments
I've added my comments to the text - reflecting the points I think a professional editor would make as far as specific passages. Considering the text as a whole, I think I would offer these overall reactions: 1) Is this a dream? Or is it actually happening? If it is a true adventure, we need logistical details. If a dream, then you could allow dream events. He wouldn't have to build maces. They would just appear. 2) Insomnia? Why not see a doctor? An effective backstory would link to the motivation for this journey. Personally, I'm not persuaded why he needs to do all this. What the point of it is. 3) We have no character portrait of our narrator. Just "dude who can't sleep". The fact that there are no details about him means that there's no emotional connection. 4) Make sure your descriptions don't contradict each other. Occasionally, one sentence says one thing. Then another sentence says something else. Make sure everything agrees. Later....
I love reading these review chain requests and getting drawn into the story, without having read the first few chapters. It's like opening a book halfway through, reading a chapter, and loving it so much that you start over on page one. It's an interesting scene, I see a lot of potential here!
Firstly, I notice a lot of run on sentences. You could work on sentence structure a bit, try to keep the story flowing more naturally.
Secondly, the action could be described better. I feel like you're skimming over what could be a great addition to the story here. John fights his way through Hell, then finds the castle he's heading for. At one point just after he arrives at the castle: "It was a fun fight filled with crushing jaws and dismantled ears as well as removed tails for their trouble. I didn't walk away unscathed of course, but the scratches, though rather deep, were healing quite nicely as I entered the doors and began my ascent."
I read 'it was a fun fight' and immediately wanted a play-by-play. How was it fun? I know nothing about how this character fights. Is he a sword guy? Hand to hand, I guess... but with werewolves? Is his combat magically enhanced? Dismantled ears?? I definitely want to know more about that.
Same with the last paragraph - there's so much potential there for exposition. Make it an entire chapter. Training montage!
I went through and icommented on several typos. I suggest you go through and rewrite, editing them all out, changing everything you've icommented on as well. It'll read more cohesively that way.
Keep it up - the visuals your writing brings forth are really interesting. Makes me want to go play Oblivion again ;)
Author
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Thanks for doing the review Cheyjade. As for the run-on sentences, I believe I covered a few of them with my edits.
I agree i could've gone into a little more detail with the fights, but this chapter was a bit of a segue into the next segment of story, plus my character had just gotten out of a major battle with a top tier demon. There should've been a sentence or two that describes his fighting style when he was being attacked by the werewolves. It was aura enhanced martial arts. Remember the kata he performed that created a veil of aura over his body.
The aura also heals him at a faster rate than normal humans, so he's less likely to be majorly damaged. I'll probably try to add some detail into the "fun fight segment" to enhance the visuals for that moment, but it'll be a bit short since the whole chapter is meant to be a bit rushed, at least up to the moment he encounters Morpheus. Also, the being a son of Morpheus was alluded to in a previous chapter by Sonja, so it isn't quite the shock to begin with.
That's what happens when you jump into the middle of a story sometimes. You lose some of the context from previous chapters to help frame the events that are happening in that moment.
Anyway, I appreciate the insights and what edits you proposed. I encourage you to go back and start form the beginning, if you will. You'll get a better understanding of my direction with the story and its overall development. Thanks again.
I like the fight parts and the work you put into the details and how the aura works offensively!
The written yelling was kinda narm-y to me, but putting in "pained roar" and whatnot later 'cause you did say you would be editing it would fix that, but only if you agree with me.
I still got the gist of what was going on even though I only read this one chapter way into the story, too, that's good!
Author
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Yeah, I kinda see your point about the yelling scream/roar. I'll have to work on a good descriptor for how the scream sounds and work it in. Thanks for the edits and the review. Not sure, if this is the type of story you'd like to read, but I'd welcome another fan.
This is a great start to something huge for you. Your imagery is excellent and it really paints a picture in the mind of the reader. Great description of everything, making it really pop at the reader. that's the goods of the piece for me so far. The bad is that like I commented in the story, comma placement. Placing commas where none is needed. A thing I like to do, I don't know if you do or not, is that after I write something I reread it as if I was the reader leaving the author perspective out of it, and see how their perspective is. If there is stuff that needs description or work, I leave a note for when I do edit. Or you can always have someone else read it like a grammar or English Comp. person so that way they can give you their opinion. But this is a fascinating story and I'll be checking out the other chapters over time and let you know anything. Great work. If you're interested, I have a book of my own called, "Alice", and it is a twist of Alice in Wonderland, if you want. It needs editing but I'm waiting to get the whole story done before I decide to do that.
Sincerely
Reaper
Author
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Thanks, Reaper. I don't doubt there are some punctuation errors still existing within my work. It seems to be my biggest demon throughout the novel, but there really shouldn't be any in Chapter 1 anymore. That chapter has been edited like ten times now, but I'll check it out anyway.
I'll check your story out soon. Speaking of Alice, I have a poem titled "A Musing Of Alice" based on the same story. Checked that out if you will. It's a short rendition of the entire tale.
This is a very intriguing story. Clearly there's a lot that I've missed out on, having started with the 10th chapter, but the overall concept of the story is very interesting. You did a great job creating this bug world, with many detailed descriptions that brought everything to life. It creeped me out a bit, which is a good sign. The various mechanics of this universe also intrigue me, with the different aura powers and the portals and whatnot. One thing I think you could add is how he actually channels and manipulates each different power, like is it just a thought or concentration thing, or does he actually have to use his emotions or channel energy within his body or within nature. You may have already explained this, I'll have to go back and read the previous chapters. Also, I'm not personally a big fan of having explicit thoughts of characters. To me, thoughts are more complex than just words, so I generally like to express thoughts in the third person, in the style of the rest of the story rather than as an internal dialogue. It works with the telepathic communication, just not, in my opinion, when he's just thinking to himself. Again, that's just my personal preference. Other than that, I just noticed a few spelling and grammar mistakes (you used ceased instead of seized), but not many. Overall a great chapter!
Author
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I'm glad you liked the story J.R., but you didn't do something that would've help me out a lot.That's use the icomments feature to mark the spelling/grammar problems you saw. This helps eliminate having to read through the entire piece looking for the problem areas you mentioned.
I hope you do go through the other chapters and I hope you enjoy them as well as you did this one. there is some description on how he uses his powers a little bit, but I don't go into an elaborate explanation. The auras/powers function basically the same as my source I used as reference for how I wanted to integrate them into my character which was The Dragonball Series by Akira Toriyama.
The main thing I did with the powers was how he accessed them. From there, it is just a matter of manipulation throughout the body. Of course, being able to shot them out is rather new in this chapter. So, I could've elaborated on that a bit more, but as with any power trial and error are the main ways to learn an ability. I'll keep that knowledge in mind for future chapters/books. Thanks for the Read.
Very good rousing storyline... You draw people in, hold their attention, & present a credible read, even while maintaining the Sci-fi! Well done!
Author
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I'm assuming you've only read the chapter and not the entire book to this point, so I'll let you know the story is a bit of a blend between Sci-fi and fantasy. I'm surprised you didn't find more notations to make on the chapter, but I appreciate those catches. They do help. If that's all you found, then I must be getting better at controlling my errors.
You've essentially said the same thing others have said about my work which I can only interpret as good, if everyone has the same opinion. Thanks. There are a couple of notations I'd love to clarify though as it helps to have more context when you comment, particularly the last one you made on the page. Sonja and John are linked telepathically, but can only hear each other when in the presence of The Thread--the wormhole segments that bind and tunnel through each world that Morpheus has traveled through. This dynamic becomes more apparent in my next chapter.
Sonja, however, being a Celestial can always sense John's thoughts, although I haven't explained 100% clearly this portion in the story yet. It's her little secret right now. I should've already alluded to this, but my brain comes up with some pieces of the story after I've written down the bulk of it and it throws my train off its tracks, so to speak. I'm not exactly 100% organized on my plotline with all my subtle hints just yet. Anyway, thanks for the read and the comment.
I feel like I could say much more had I read the previous chapters, because clearly there is a link I am missing.
Still, well written chapter, even without previous knowledge I could easily grasp the relationship between the characters and get a good insight into their personalities.
I like that this was a fight chapter, there aren't many of those around, at least not in the books I usually read, and the ones that have are way more laid back in their descriptions of how it happened.
I can also see that you dictated the next part of the plot by making Sonja go missing, I hope this is not a bait hehe.
Well I do not really have any suggestions to change, nor anything to criticize, The chapter is good so, that is how I think i should conclude this. Good writting :)
Author
Reply
Thanks for the read, TheRichAlder. Yeah, you did miss some context by not reading the previous chapters. I'm assuming you reviewed this for The Review Chain House by that statement.
Yes, it was definitely a fight chapter, but a lot of my chapters have something going on in similar context. The whole story is a fantasy adventure, so fighting is going to be quite the main focus but it isn't the only thing I have in the works.
As for Sonja going missing, its part of the next phase. This chapter was the final section of a myth building segment, plus it leads into a change in the plot of the book. If you meant did I use her missing status to bait readers into reading more, maybe. Although, it was more unintentional than intended. Although, I think I may have created a small plot hole that I'll have to explain later concerning her disappearance. Unless, my readers understand how it leads into the next chapter without much detail being dictated into her sudden slip from the world.
The next chapter kinda gives some explanation, but it doesn't give specifics that I recall. It's more or less inferred.
Your descriptions are amazing, I felt like I was entering your imagination. I think it's incredible how you described so much and I think it makes it a lot more interesting. From what I gather, he seems to be going through different lands which are all a different type so I think describing it so vividly really adds a lot of depth to your novel.
I loved all your names for this, they're very creative but what I really like about them is that they still work. Sometimes people get overly creative and come up with names that no one could ever think of knowing how to pronounce, but yours are creative and pronouncable. Also I don't know is Eis is meant to be like ice, but if it is it's really clever and if it's not then it's a clever coincidence.
It's good to know that you got all the icomments, I wasn't sure if they had gone through properly or not. I think most of the icomments I left are little grammar fixes or the wording of a sentence. If you want me to say more about any of them just let me know.
I've just noticed that there's quite a few points in this where the first part of a paragraph is missing a word or has a full stop and it wasn't like that yesterday. I don't know if it's because you've edited it, but it looks like something's stuffed up somewhere and you might just want to check that.
One problem is that you overuse commas, which I also do in abundance. My problem when writing is that I put them where I pause, which is what a comma is meant to do, but I think that there's different pauses when writing as opposed to when reading.
Another small thing is that while you descriptions are amazing I think sometimes the words you use are too fancy, like derriere, which i just saw that you changed. Your descriptions are so strong they don't need to be fancy and overcomplicated.
I'm kind of divided about the sex scene. I had a very innocent childhood so if I had read this before I was 18 I would've been shocked but I know that most teenagers already have some idea of this stuff. I saw that you put a warning somewhere, so I think anyone reading this should be aware now. Honestly though, and this is probably due to my innocent chidhood, I don't like the idea of having sex with someone they only know the name of, and then suddenly being in love. I know there's a mysterious familiarity between them, and that's something I would've liked to see beforehand because it wouldn't of seemed so much like having sex just for the sake of sex. A conversation over a cup of tea would've done it. Saying that I think you wrote it very well; it wasn't crass and it's really easy for it to be crass, so that was good. I think also because you're so descriptive and explicit with everything else in this story, it fits with your style to be explicit here. It doesn't overtake the story or turn it into a different type, which I think can be very easy to do.
I don't know a lot of what's going on in this story but I love your original idea and I still felt that this chapter did progress the story. There did seem to be things in it which gave more information about these places and also built up what's going to happen.
One thing which I think you do really well is hint at things before the truth of them comes out; like with these nightmare crystals there was the suspicion about it beforehand which made it even more interesting when their disastrous truth came out. It's really intriguing to see things hinted at and then have a whole bigger truth be behind it and a very clever thing to do.
Overall this is really good. There's just a couple of minor things which you could work on, but your descriptions are amazing, the idea for this is really interesting and even though I have only read this chapter, there does seem to be a pretty solid structure of progression. You've pretty much got everything for a good novel.
Author
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Yeah, Archia. My main character is traveling through different worlds via portals/wormholes that are the passage way of the Gods. As for my naming conventions, I've adopted German/Celtic names for the places, demons, and Gods. Eis is the german word for ICE and it is pronounced virtually the same. Morpheus being my only exception, unless I'm wrong I believe his name is derived from Latin, but his mythology does bleed over into other cultures; although under a different name. I wish i spoke German fluently, but I've had to research some of the words to be sure I'm using them correctly.
Yeah, I realize punctuation isn't my strongest area. I keep forgetting the rules while I'm writing and just kinda go with the flow. Of course, I do plan to go back and restructure and edit to make the changes necessary for better writing. There's a difference between a natural pause and a written pause during the read process for sure, but it shouldn't detract from the whole experience which is why i get wonderful people such as yourself to review my work. I take all suggestions to heart and try to implement them accordingly.
As for the fancy words, i'm just trying to make sure I'm not using the same word twice too much within the space of a paragraph. That's a pet peeve of mine. It irks me to no end when a author gets carried away by the sound of one word and uses it to describe the same thing over and over again. I'm sure I'm a bit guilty of it myself, but it isn't for a lack of trying. Insect seems to be one that got me in my first chapter, but I couldn't for the life of me find a suitable replacement of a six-legged creature that made sense. Pest was too annoying and didn't cover all insects, but i digress.
Thanks for the hard work, Archia. I know it was a long read. I hope you decide to go back and start from the beginning. You'll get a better understanding of the novel if you do. Also, a tie-in story 'Sonja's Song' explains some of the extra mythology and her role in the events.
I haven't read all of this yet, but I will. I just wanted to quickly say that I've left some icomments. There were some phrases which were a little off, and I tried to say what was off about it for most of them, but some I couldn't quite place, but they just didn't flow right. I marked those ones 'awk'. Even though I haven't read any other chapters of your book I'm still really enjoying this one. Your descriptions are great, really vivid. I love your whole idea for this too, I read the summary and it got my attention. I won't say more now, but I'll leave a proper comment once I've read it all.
Author
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All right Archia, I know this chapter is long. You may notice some comments I'm marking up as well as you move further along, so don't be bothered by it I'm trying to edit some myself along with what ever you find. Later, we'll have to discuss why some of the phrases seem awkward to you. That'll give me a better understanding of how you think versus how I think when reading it. Thanks for the update. See ya.
Wow! I can only hope to someday come close to your ability of being able to paint a moving picture for your readers. I know a story has capture my attention when I can insert myself in the character's place. I'm intrigued and want to read more. Great job.
Author
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Thanks Islebabe. I hope you continue with it. I've tried to keep the intensity through out the first four chapters on a even keel ramping up around the major scenes. Things start to balance out within Chapter 5 as the scope of the story goes through a plot change a bit, but it should still feel like there's a sense of urgency to some degree.
Thanks for the comment. Check out anything else that you may like in my portfolio as well. I've got a bit of everything I think, except romance but that is better left to my novel. You'll see should you continue reading. It's within Chapter 5.
I'd have to say, Akumakaze, that I enjoyed this chapter even more than the first. From the initial struggle in the water, the surreal discovery of chasing oneself, and then the horror of the creature, you kept the whole thing flowing nicely. Excellent descriptions too!
Author
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Thanks, Hully. It's been a while since I've revisited that chapter, but the first world in Chapter 1 is going to be relevant in the next chapter. Kind of a u-turn, so to speak, but it's essential to the story at that point. The creature is probably the most interesting part of Chapter Two, at least it was to me when I was writing it. He's a prominent element to the next few chapters and most likely through out the story with what I've done so far.
You'll see once you get that far.
You know by now, Akumakaze, that I don't go in for really long comments. I'm not sure what I expected but the visualization in this was brilliantly done. Kind of put me in mind of a Ciro Marchetti painting (he's by far my favourite artist) and incidentally, my Dreamland is my favorite place. I'll be reading more; that's a promise!
Author
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I appreciate it, Hully, but don't feel forced too. That's all I ask. Comments don't have to be long. And I promise to keep it going as fast as I can write it, barring any stumbling blocks like writer's block, however I have plans in place to get it done completely by January or Feb. of next year, at the latest. Thanks for the love, my dear.
So story. Star was writing a comment, the comment was 200 words. Booksie reloaded the page, logged her out and erased the entire thing. There were tears.
Maybe that's what I get for typing too much lol.
Anyhoo, this is a pretty good start. I found the past tense a little irksome but this is totes reader preference. Only because I feel like there's a freshness and spontanouity to present tense and it makes me wonder why the speaker would be recalling their experience in the dream world.
Regardless, I appreciated the imagery. The purple sky and mountains with flowers was oh so nostalgic of all things impressionist and anime. Beautifully done.
The dark realm seems especially trying what with the insects everywhere and the unknown. I'm just glad there were no spiders out there to get him! I would tote lose my shit lol!
I do believe that some distinguishing of different insect species would be helpful.
I think the chaotic sequencing is relevant to a dream world and I'm interested to see why he's after the sandman in the next chapters.
Have you ever delved into any of Dali's work? I highly recommend any surrealist work in order to gain some inspiration regarding imagery in this book. ^^
Happy writing in the meantime! :)
Author
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That freshness and spontaneity you feel in present tense is actually a product of a younger generation looking to be whizzed through the story at a pace far too fast for a novel. If past tense is done well, it should read as if it's happening right in front of you as you read it. I'm hoping I've pulled it off pretty well, especially since I had quite the time going back in and changing it from present tense after several people told me it wasn't working for them.
As for the reason my character is after the Sandman that is stated in the first two paragraphs somewhere. Although, it changes a bit later on.
I've never read Dali's work. Also, I wasn't going for a full blown surrealistic feeling even though my imagery for the first part seems to indicate that. You'll see as you read further. Thanks for the read and the comment.
I'm glad Sonja decided to go with him - I was beginning to feel that the story was suffering a little bit from being so focused on John with hardly any interactions from others in the first few chapters, so I think she turned up at just the right time!
Author
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Yeah, when I was writing I realized that I didn't have quite the balance in the story I needed. With my point of view being solely centered around John, it made sense to include a partner at some point. Someone strong and determined like John, but his opposite in appearance and physique. Plus, I needed other interactions rather than the typical bad guy scenes. Also, my world building is becoming larger in scope at this juncture and the mythos I had in mind required a catalyst to the rest of the story.
I'm glad you like the story I hope you decide to continue to follow it. Check out Sonja's Song for some extra info into the myth behind the legend. It's not complete yet, but it enhances the understanding of why Sonja is integral to the story.
I love the abstract, dreamlike ideas in this story - it really makes me feel like anything can and will happen! Your writing style is clear and easy to read. I'll be reading on...
I'll have to finish getting caught up after work, but I love this so far!!! Job well done!!
Author
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Thanks. No rush. I've already sent that chapter I was talking about. I just finished it a few minutes ago.
Very nice! I like the imagery although sometimes it does get a bit too much. Also you use the word insects a little too much so maybe see if there is another word you could use instead. I really like this world building though and using a dreamscape seems awesome. I like your idea and creativity so I'm off to chapter 2!
Author
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Appreciate the read, I'll have to check for another word for insects. My vocab on entomology is somewhat limited, so I just chose a generic term to prevent from confusing readers and myself. I imagine I could have explored the idea of different types within that setting, but it was Darkness for a reason. Leaving the idea of what type was actually hunting my character was kind of integral to that chapter. Personally, I'm thinking large cockroaches. Ha, ha , ha!
I hope to do a return to that world, if the framework of my narrative allows me to do so, which I think it will. Maybe then, I can elaborate on the reason for that worlds entomological issue. Thanks, hope you enjoy the rest.
I loved how much detail you put into this, especially at the beginning! I could easily picture him trekking through the snow and the crystal landscape all aroun him. Just absolutely beautiful descriptions. I also liked how you kept the story moving, there were never points that I wanted it to speed up. But it wasn't going to fast either, good pace. One thing I do wish you would consider though when writing this is that kids may be reading this, or adults who aren't comfortable in reading such intricately described sex. I think the story would have been just as good and you still would have been able to get the point across without it. But, either way it was still a good story.
Author
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Thanks for the read. As for the sex scene within the story, I did think about that. I came to the conclusion that kids will find it once they start getting interested in it anyway and as for adults being uncomfortable with it I find that hard to believe, but should I actually be published beyond this site the target audience is ages 15 and up. By that point most kids have already experienced or seen and heard of sex in more details than I've described within. It's the only point within the story where I plan to give that much attention to it as it was their first intimate moment together and the fact that this interaction is integral to the mythos later on.
Checkout "Sonja's Song" for some added info. It's a side story that explains Sonja's integration into the story as well as the mythos a bit more. It's not finished yet, but it does show some insight into the matter. i do plan to have an alternate version written for that segment should I be discouraged about publishing it with that much detail.
Finished! I left a few more icomments. Interesting section. I really liked the golem and the imagery of the magma lake. Just watch your tenses. If you refer to something as one thing, don't change it and then flip back and forth between them. I'm referring to the golem. If you read the icomments in that section it'll make more sense.
I noticed a few grammar mistakes as I read, most had already been pointed out to you by other fellow readers, but one thing I would like to reiterate is to keep your writing in the same tense. Another suggestion is to try and find synonyms for frequently used words. I did noticed a few spots where you would use the word pain, glow, and a few others, in a sentence then the next you would use the same word again. Other than a few minor errors, I fairly enjoyed the read. Keep up the good work
Author
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Appreciate the read. This chapter is currently undergoing extensive editing as I had it posted to the Review Chain House for just that purpose.
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