Lucidity: Morpheus' Dream

I'll have to finish getting caught up after work, but I love this so far!!! Job well done!!

Very nice! I like the imagery although sometimes it does get a bit too much. Also you use the word insects a little too much so maybe see if there is another word you could use instead. I really like this world building though and using a dreamscape seems awesome. I like your idea and creativity so I'm off to chapter 2!

I loved how much detail you put into this, especially at the beginning! I could easily picture him trekking through the snow and the crystal landscape all aroun him. Just absolutely beautiful descriptions. I also liked how you kept the story moving, there were never points that I wanted it to speed up. But it wasn't going to fast either, good pace. One thing I do wish you would consider though when writing this is that kids may be reading this, or adults who aren't comfortable in reading such intricately described sex. I think the story would have been just as good and you still would have been able to get the point across without it. But, either way it was still a good story.

Finished! I left a few more icomments. Interesting section. I really liked the golem and the imagery of the magma lake. Just watch your tenses. If you refer to something as one thing, don't change it and then flip back and forth between them. I'm referring to the golem. If you read the icomments in that section it'll make more sense.

I noticed a few grammar mistakes as I read, most had already been pointed out to you by other fellow readers, but one thing I would like to reiterate is to keep your writing in the same tense. Another suggestion is to try and find synonyms for frequently used words. I did noticed a few spots where you would use the word pain, glow, and a few others, in a sentence then the next you would use the same word again. Other than a few minor errors, I fairly enjoyed the read. Keep up the good work

Hey Akumakaze,
Cool section. I promise I’ll read ch. 2 + 3 next but I wanted to give a review for Review Chain so I can have someone edit my 2nd chapter. Anyway, I left a lot of icomments again. Most of them are small corrects but a few have questions attached. I don’t expect you to answer all of them, I simply put them there so you could see what sorts of questions, or confusions, a reader might have while reading your stuff. You can probably disregard most of them, but I hope a few of them prove helpful. Anyway, moving on to my overall impression of your work, you’ve done a superb job of creating a very realistic and exciting world for your character to traipse through. It’s too bad he spends such little time here. I liked how you gave clues about the world before revealing the true essence of it (can’t say more than that because I don’t want to give anything away to someone reading the comments before the content, which I know I’m guilty of doing on occasion). One thing though, I was super confused by your stars. Usually when an author uses a spacer like that, it indicates a lapse in time. But you don’t seem to be using them for that purpose, so I found myself ignoring them for the most part. I’m not entirely sure why they’re there. Also just an observation, and I mean absolutely no criticism by it, your chapter is LONG! That’s kind of my end reaction to your piece, though that could also be due to how much time it took to go through and edit half of it as well as read. But you used your words effectively. I really like your descriptive language and can see why you would need the length to deliver the story in the manner that you did. Anyway I had to stop about halfway through since it’s getting late, but I’ll finish it tomorrow and sent you another message if I find something else. Just as a side note there’s a “Kaphoom!” word that’s in red. Is there a reason for that? Or did Booksie do that when you uploaded the words? I know it’s done that to me and I had to go back to fix it.

Awesome idea. I was a little confused at the beginning. Your main character seemed to be having trouble sleeping but then he ended up in this dreamworld-like place. I couldn't tell if he had fallen asleep or been transported there by some form of magic. I went through and left a lot of icomments that I hope are helpful. Your character seems very distant. You don't really give him form other than explaining that he's male through the fact that he sleeps in boxers, though of course I suppose a female could do this as well, so even that's a little vague. But the distance you provide between the reader and the main character adds to the strange dreamlike state he appears to be in. Its an interesting concept I've never seen before. One thing I wanted to point out is you seem to flip between present and past tense a lot. Like you started writing the story in present tense, took a break from writing but continued to think about the topic, and then returned to add what you had thought of which had the unfortunate side effect of coming out in past tense since you thought of it at a previous time. Then, at the very end of the chapter you flipped back to present which made the paragraph seem out of place. An easy fix if you want to make everything past tense, though I know from experience, that it's much harder to go back and chance everything to present. Anyway just wanted to bring it to your attention. Awesome story so far and I'll hopefully find some time tomorrow to take a look at chapter 2.

It's difficult to judge the story strictly upon the first chapter, but, having skimmed it over, my first reaction would be to compare it with Lovecraft's "Dream Cycle," MacDonald's Phantastes, or Dunsany's A Dreamer's Tales. If your not familiar with any of these you may want to check them out. I also noticed a number of inconsistencies in conjugation towards the end.

Wow! First of all, the concept of the novel is unique, treading that very interesting ground between fantasy and allegory - reminded me of certain works by John Bunyan and C.S.Lewis, though with a more abstract theme. Another extremely impressive thing are your descriptions - it is obvious a lot of effort went into them, there is plenty of sensual beauty and loving detail in the worlds that you paint. Particularly, the jungle scenario came to life so vividly that I could swear I was watching a movie right there. You've created something unique here, and did it with a lot of soul.

Very creeped out about the insect takeover.... nicely done with the foreboding and unease, and well-written in general. Coupla spelling errors, but nothing too major.
Good job!

Really liking the story so far, it's a unique concept and a unique way of telling it--love the introduction of parallel verses too.
The paragraphs could be structured a bit better, but all in all this is really well done!

Great story! I really was not expecting for stuff like parallel universes to be in this! It does get a tiny bit confusing for me but some of that is from not reading the first chapter to get context. Your wording is pretty good, although some of it is hard to understand. Great action! Keep this up!

So I love your play on auras, I've always been interested in them. Sometimes I even feel like I can sense the auras of people. I like how it was black instead of the stereotypical white, as usually a good aura is portrayed as being light in color, but it also puts forth the question of what the white aura might be. Maybe the positions are flipped, and the white auras are bad while black is good.

The golem fight was intense as well, and I'm glad you didn't forget about the doppelganger. I think he'll play a pivotal role in either the death or the survival of the main character. Speaking of the main, he's quite intelligent... I like his resourcefulness and how he combines a strong sense of common knowledge with school smarts. He isn't unknowledgeable, which is excellent in a main.

As for the title of this story, I think Lucidity could be cool. Insomnia is a distinct lack or inability to sleep, and all these vivid images and descriptions are giving me the vibe that this man is going through one hell of a lucid dream. By the end of the story, the questions he has might be answered, and everything might be clarified (or 'lucid'). Just a thought.

Great chapter, my friend. Keep up the good work :)

What a turn. Going from that hot environment to the frigid cold must be a terrifying act to the nerve receptors. I think it's quite obvious that this is going to involve a volcano (the walls shaking, the world being called 'Lavos') and I'm super excited for it. Maybe a dinosaur chase down the volcano? Oh, or maybe a lava monster, like a golem. Lava golems are cool. A phoenix could also be awesome. Sorry I took forever, schools being a right bugger with getting in the way of Booksie shenanigans. I apologize, but hey, at least I got to it! Can't wait for the second half.

Well, that was great. You got me into it... I really want more now. The wolf was a very unexpected change, one I actually didn't see coming. I'm just not gonna say anything about the descriptions from now on, because they're all great and I bet they'll still be amazing in future chapters. When you introduced the volcano island initially, I thought something totally different; the narrator says it seemed familiar. Like maybe it was the same island he was just on. Almost like a loop, or a neverending cycle of islands. The story would've taken a completely different direction then, but I liked the way you did it just as much. I'm very anxious for the next world; I'm guessing fire. Don't tell me, though; I wanna be surprised. Oh, and with the page breaks with the asterisks; you don't need so many of them where they go off the page. If you just include two or three asterisks and center them, that works and it's way more convenient. That's just my advice though. Awesome job with the continuation!

Dreamscapes are wonderful to work with, Akumakaze. There are no real limits as to what you can do inside them. There are tricks you can use to make your paragraphs shorter, yet separate single thoughts. The best way to do this is to use a "thought break". To do that, you use several carriage returns. Another method is to use A symbolic page break, such as asterisks: (* * * ) and center them. That way, you readers won't have to keept rack of an overly long para. Your story is great and I'll move on to the next chapter. ~Tom

There's gonna be a giant bug. I'm kinda excited but a little scared at the same time... I mean, everything's pointing towards insect takeover, from the dudes thoughts to the mosquitoes to the shadows lurking in the jungle. This works much better as a novel so I'm glad you made that choice. I look forward to potential fire and ice worlds (my two favorite elements). Maybe even a holy realm where he reunited with the older version of himself. Descriptions were spot on and the imagery was absolutely gorgeous as it always has been - Just a really amazing third chapter overall... A couple spelling things, so a real quick re-read would iron all those out. Can't wait for what comes next even if I do have a general idea, and extraordinary job!

Your descriptions are top notch! Excellent job! You may, however, wish to divide the bigger paragraphs into smaller ones for an easier read.

I really really reaaaally love this idea. A lot. Dreamworlds harnessing the different elements... Ugh it's so cool. This was awesome. I'll be reading more.