Sharing a Drink with God

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Abandoned


I was out one night drinking and God came by and we discussed a few things



Dedicated to Robert W. Kasch

Submitted: December 11, 2017

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Submitted: December 11, 2017

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First introductions.  I’m Lemon Jell-O, yes that is my name.  My parents were very strange and maybe a little cruel.  What I’m about to tell you is the truth and I haven’t changed a thing.  The conversation is transcribed word for word from an audio tape I made of it.  Oh, I should explain, I run a little local paper and so I always have a tape recorder and note pads on me.  The paper is called the Jell-O Report and I give it away, mainly because nobody in their right mind would pay for it.

 

I had recently broken up with Kimberly, my ex-girlfriend.  She said I was immature and would never grow up.  I enjoy playing video games and watching internet porn does that make me immature or just a man, I don’t know.  Anyways I was at the Hog’s Head Bar & Grill drowning my sorrow in a few beers when the door opens and everybody freezes, everybody but me.  In walks this person made of light.  He was bright, so bright I had to look away and all I could think was this was a new type of alien.  When I said I wasn’t frozen that wasn’t true, I could move only my head otherwise I would have crapped myself as I ran out the backdoor.

 

This person comes over and sits down beside me.  “Hi Lemon.  I’m not an alien, I’m God.”

 

“God really?”  I started counting in my head trying to figure out if I had maybe drunk more then I remembered.

 

“Oh, you are sober, or as sober as you are normally.”

 

“Are you reading my mind?”

 

“No.  I’m God so I know what you would be thinking.”

 

“It is that all seeing, all knowing stuff?”

 

“Exactly, well not really.”

 

“Which is it?”

 

“It is a little hard to explain.”

 

“I really need a drink right now.”

 

“Oh yeah, I’m going to unfreeze everybody, please stay calm.”

 

“Wait won’t they flip out seeing you here all glowing and stuff?”

 

“Oh, they are going to see me as a young Charlton Heston.  Only you will see me like this and they will hear us just talking about sports.”

 

Suddenly I could move and I almost bolted for the door.  I was still not completely sure this was God and not an alien.  My hand shook as I reached for a beer.  “So, if you are God why come to me, I’m not a believer, well I wasn’t and not sure if this will change that?”

 

“The truth is I don’t know.  I was looking in on you, well really, I was seeing if your girlfriend was in the shower and I saw you were really depressed.  I just felt like coming down here and having a little talk.  You aren’t the first person I have done this with.”

 

I nearly chocked on my beer, “You spy on my girlfriend in the shower?”

 

“Ex-girlfriend, and yes her and others.  I’m a guy so sue me.”

 

“Hold on I want to turn on my recorder.”  I started to reach in my messenger bag.

 

“It is already recording, I knew you would want a recording of this so you can write about it and well I figured if you are going to do it lets get it accurate this time.”

 

“What do you mean this time?”

 

“Like I said you aren’t the first person I sat down and talked with.  Christianity is based off one of those talks, but they completely screwed that up.”

 

“Like what did they mess up?”

 

“The creation for one.  I didn’t plan on creating the universe.  It kind of happen.  Do you really want to know?”

 

“Yeah, let’s set the record straight.”

 

“Ok I have a passion for spice food, I mean really spice, but it doesn’t always like me.  Just before I created the universe I had some really spice chili.  Well it didn’t sit well, it gave me some bad gas.”

 

“Hold on, are you saying the universe was created by a fart?”

 

“Human scientists call it the big bang and let me tell you it was huge.  And did it ever stink.  I missed the beginning stages of life because I couldn’t even enter the room for a long time.”

 

“So, creating man in your own image, Adam and Eve, and the whole Garden of Eden is not true?”

 

“I created Eve first not Adam.  I’m a guy and what guy wouldn’t want a naked woman running around.  I created Adam because she lonely in the garden all by herself.  I mean I had a whole universe to run, besides my other projects so spending all my time with her wasn’t an option.”

 

I was a little confused to say the least.  “So, you make Eve a boyfriend, wouldn’t that like ruin your relationship with her?”

 

“Truth is I’m into men and women, that is kind of normal for enlightened beings.”

 

“Enlightened beings, are you talking about angels cause I always thought that whole robe wearing harp playing thing was a little gay.  Not that I have anything against gays or whatever the PC term is for them.”

 

“The angels are really only others of my race and the image of them is a human creation, they look like me.”

 

“So you are part of a bisexual race of beings made up of pure energy.  God damn.”  I was really blown away by all this.  “So why toss Adam and Eve out of the Garden for eating an apple, I mean it was the perfect set up.”

 

“I tossed Adam out, Eve decided to go with him.  OK here it is.  I was experimenting with some planets and I had a whole section of the Garden I was growing some plants that I was working with.  Adam goes in there and uses the whole crop.”

 

“Uses it?  Eats it or what?”

 

“He smoked it all.”

 

To say I was surprised would be an understatement.  I wanted to ask more about these plants, but the report in me wanted to learn more of what the bible got wrong.  “So you throw them out and they go on to produce the human race?”

 

“No.  Humans had developed on their own and Adam dumps Eve for another woman soon after they leave the garden.  Eve does have kids, but none are Adam’s he is sterile.”

 

I drank my beer as I tried to remember more from the Bible, I mean I never read it and only caught a few of the movies and mini-series based off it.  “Sodom and Gomorrah, why destroy them?”

 

“I didn’t I use to go there for a little fun.  It was my wife, well ex-wife.”

 

“So, you were married and there is a Mrs. God out there or did she go back to her maiden name?”

 

“My name isn’t really God.  It would just sound like static to you if I said it.  Anyways she caught me messing around in Sodom and Gomorrah and destroyed them before she went to stay with her mother.”

 

“The flood, that was pretty harsh.”

 

“The flood, well that was caused by a broken pipe.  Me and the wife had gotten back together and I was away when a pipe burst.  To keep it from flooding the house she redirected it here.  By the time I came back and got the plumber around it the world had been flooded.  I did try to save as many people as I could.  The whole Noah and the ark thing was completely wrong.  I told him to grab as many creatures as he could and get them on the ark, not two of each.  He wasn’t the only one, he was just the only one that later published a whole book about it.”

 

“Ok what about the Virgin Mary?”

 

“The virgin part was a big joke, she was a total slut and it is totally possible I’m not even Jesus father.  She was banging a lot of my kind.  She and Lucifer were an item for a while even.”

 

“Wait Lucifer as in the Devil?”

 

“He is a really great guy, we hang out all the time.  The whole throwing him out of Haven was just crazy.  We had a fight and I tossed him out of my house.  A couple days later we talked and relieved it was just a big misunderstanding.  I mean it wasn’t like I hadn’t slept with his wife first.  But me forgiving him didn’t mean I forgave her and I tossed her out.  So, I was lonely and Mary was looking really good.  One thing lead to another and Jesus is born.  She was a real freak between the sheets and in the bushes and in the manger …”

 

“Ok I get the point.  So, if you are all knowing why don’t you know if Jesus is yours or not?”

 

“I really didn’t care, I mean Mary wasn’t asking for money or me to take the kid for the weekend.  By the time I did want to know it was too late, the world was saying he was my kid so even if I denied it they wouldn’t believe me.”

 

“I completely understand.  People make up their minds and you just can’t change them even if you show them proof.  Like this, people are going think I was drunk and made this all up.”

 

“Some will see the truth.  Oh, about you and Kimberly, she will be back and I would tell you not to take her back, but you are going to anyways.  I just hope you remember I warned you.”

 

“Could you hook me up with the lotto numbers?”

 

“I could, but money won’t make you happy Lemon.  You have to learn that the world and your place in it is just a series of accidents and there is no big plan.  Learn to laugh at life’s misfortunes and you will be happier than if you had a million dollars.  I have to go now, I have a date with Swedish swimsuit team, but I found this kind of therapeutic.”

 

“If you ever want to talk again just drop by, you know where I am.”

 

“I just may take you up on that.”  He left and I continue to drink not remember how I got home that night.  I really thought it was all just a drunk hallucinations until I found my recorder and played back the tape. 


© Copyright 2018 Ian D. Mooby. All rights reserved.

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