I must say friend you had me caught in a frantic dismantling and you words rang like soul-doubting chimes in my bones. In the ever lightening days like another ephemeral passion you graced me
with honest red eyes and a slurring indifference as you ambled over with a look of despising my presence. So I told myself hard I’d strung dovish expectations to the awe softly goaded off your
rareness of heart. I see that you see I can’t hide the disappointment nor the way that I churn when you lessen my rank but I tightly comply to my expendability with a jaw growing old and forgetting
a smile. Know you’ve rotted my kindness for others forever, for nothing and I must say I’m a fool. I left you in the sound of scoffing and your insincere ‘stay?’ and with a thought I was stuck like
a tree bleeding amber I broke on the bus. I felt dumb and transparent while I quietly despaired at my unfounded state with the hot head-bound war that you wanted me gone. Later watching the crows
weave their god-awful fate in the wires I cried out and begged them to come down and sit safe on my shoulders, though they’d claw till my heart made the pain outweigh my stance in the mud, I
watched on with futility, pleading them down and fearing wide-eyed at their silly incautious souls.
I told myself over and over I was letting you go and there’d be so much more, and I did not believe a word as I willed myself to sleep rasping your name, crawling over the times when you
needed me. Dear me I might feign an idea of lightness and ease in the long-run, but every day I wake with the familiar grip on my day and your tallow wet eyes pinned like thoughts of deer trouble
and bravery to the space I’d cleared for myself. And it’s typical of my undying fawn to chastise my failures and cowardice while its shrieks flood my throat with a bee-like perpetuity
stressing the emptiness and the dull half-life when you’re not around. I don’t know how to forget or to compartmentalise, to disregard or hope and now I know it shows more than ever, I still
hurt to think this might tarnish you. And I need to quit my burdensome traits and resigning to your every look but all that’s left, I’ve come to realise, all there is now is my weight on
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